Baptist Bra
 

BAPTIST BRA

A man walked into the Women's Department of Macy's in New York City. He told the sales lady "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 30AA." With a quizzical look the sales lady asked? "What kind of bra?"

He repeated "A Baptist Bra" - She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist Bra, and that you would know what she wanted."

Ah, now I remember" said the sales lady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the

Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type."

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?"

The lady responded. "It is all really quite simple.

The Catholic type supports the Masses.

The Salvation Army lifts up the Fallen. Presbyterian type keeps them Staunch and Upright."

He mused on that information for a minute, and asked "So, what is the Baptist type for?"

They," she replied, "Make Mountains out of Mole-Hills."

**********

Bra Sizes

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, H and how the letters
used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out
what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up.

A RUSSIAN AND A REDNECK WRESTLER WERE SET TO SQUARE OFF FOR THE OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL. BEFORE THE FINAL MATCH, THE REDNECK WRESTLER'S TRAINER CAME TO HIM AND SAID, :console: "NOW, DON'T FORGET ALL THE RESEARCH WE'VE DONE ON THIS RUSSIAN. HE'S NEVER LOST A MATCH BECAUSE OF THIS 'PRETZEL' HOLD HE HAS.

WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT LET HIM GET YOU IN THAT HOLD! IF HE DOES, YOU'RE FINISHED!" :eek:

THE REDNECK NODDED IN ACKNOWLEDGMENT. :nod: AS THE MATCH STARTED, THE REDNECK AND THE RUSSIAN CIRCLED EACH OTHER SEVERAL TIMES, LOOKING FOR AN OPENING.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE RUSSIAN LUNGED FORWARD, GRABBING THE REDNECK AND WRAPPING HIM UP IN THE DREADED PRETZEL HOLD. :help:

A SIGH OF DISAPPOINTMENT AROSE FROM THE CROWD AND THE TRAINER BURIED HIS FACE IN HIS HANDS, FOR HE KNEW ALL WAS LOST. HE COULDN'T WATCH THE INEVITABLE HAPPEN. :banghead:

SUDDENLY, THERE WAS A SCREAM, THEN A CHEER FROM THE CROWD AND THE TRAINER RAISED HIS EYES JUST IN TIME TO WATCH THE RUSSIAN GO FLYING UP IN THE AIR. HIS BACK HIT THE MAT WITH A THUD AND THE REDNECK COLLAPSED ON TOP OF HIM MAKING THE PIN AND WINNING THE MATCH. :faint:

THE TRAINER WAS ASTOUNDED. WHEN HE FINALLY GOT HIS WRESTLER ALONE, HE ASKED, "HOW DID YOU EVER GET OUT OF THAT HOLD? NO ONE HAS EVER DONE IT BEFORE!" :shrug:

THE WRESTLER ANSWERED "WELL, I WAS READY TO GIVE UP WHEN HE GOT ME IN THAT HOLD BUT AT THE LAST MOMENT, I OPENED MY EYES AND SAW THIS PAIR OF TESTICLES RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE. I HAD NOTHING TO LOSE SO WITH MY LAST OUNCE OF STRENGTH I STRETCHED OUT MY NECK AND BIT THOSE BABIES JUST AS HARD AS I COULD." :bite:

"SO" THE TRAINER EXCLAIMED, "THAT'S WHAT FINISHED HIM OFF!"

"NOT REALLY. YOU'D BE AMAZED HOW STRONG YOU GET WHEN YOU BITE YOUR OWN NUTS." :yikes:


:thumbs:

Ouch!!

Babies!
>
> Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the
> other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
>
> "I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
>
> "What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
>
> "I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
> "Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib
>
> and find out."
>
> He carefully manoeuvred himself into the other baby's crib, then
> quickly
>
> disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he
> resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm
> a
>
> little boy," he said proudly.
>
> "You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"
>
> "It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink socks
>
> and I've got blue ones."
>
>
>
> SHAME ON YOU, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???
>

:roflmao:

The Blonde Handywoman
 

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "Handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband,

"Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

:rolleyes2

Oops.
 

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde who waves at him and says hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says "do you know me?".

To which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my children."

He thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and says... "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery ?"

Suddenly looking very uncomfortable, she said "No, I'm your son's math teacher.

Roflmao

Banned from Wal-Mart
 

Dear Mrs. Cottrell:

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. R.D. Cottrell has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Cottrell have been compiled and are listed below.

Mr. Wally Underpants
President and CEO of Wal-mart Complaint Department

************************************************** *******
MEMO
RE: Mr R.D. Cottrell-Complaints

Things Mr. R.D. Cottrell has done while his spouse is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they were not looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an offical tone, 'Code 3' in Housewares...and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay-away.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION-WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he know where the anit-depressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, prracticed his "Madonna Look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!".

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams " NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

(And; last, but not least)

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

How tough ARE the Scots?
 

SCOTTISH HUMOUR
***************************
How Tough Are the Scots?
The following comparisons of the attitude of the Scots to different levels
of temperature, compared with those in some other parts of the world, has
been circulating on the Net. My thanks to a reader who passed me a copy.

40 degrees - Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Scotland
sunbathe.
35 degrees - Italian cars won't start. People in Scotland drive with the
windows down.
20 degrees - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats. People in
Scotland throw on a T-shirt.
15 degrees - Californians begin to evacuate the state. People in Scotland
go swimming in the sea.
0 degrees - New York landlords turn the heat on. People in Scotland have a
last barbecue before it gets cold.
-10 degrees - People in Miami are extinct. People in Scotland lick
flagpoles instead of ice lollipops.
-20 degrees - Californians all now live in Mexico. People in Scotland throw
on a light jacket.
-80 degrees - Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Scottish Boy Scouts
postpone winter survival exercise until it gets cold enough.
-100 degrees - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. People in Scotland wear
a vest and put something on under their kilts.
-173 degrees - Ethyl alcohol freezes. People in Scotland are angry 'cos
they can't thaw their whisky bottles.
-297 degrees - Microbial life starts to grind to a halt. Scottish cows
complain of farmers with cold hands.
-460 degrees - ALL atomic motion stops. People in Scotland start saying
"Aye it's a bit cooler today... eh?"
-500 degrees - Hell freezes over. Scottish people support England in the
World Cup

Has YOUR neigbour.....
 

........... ever pissed you off??

Maybe a solution for ya!!!

LOL

DM

One from the papers.

Long life ends in fast lane.

From our friends in London: A young-at-heart pensioner who whizzed around a supermarket on a trolley shouting "Wheeee" died after losing control and crashing in the car park outside.

Widower Dennis Wiltshire, 80, of Neath, South Wales, was hit in the head by his speeding trolley when he was thrown to the ground as it overturned.

An inquest in Swansea recorded a verdict of accidental death after the pensioner died.



The man was a God, a Pixies person who didn't know it.

the Texas farmer
 

A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drives in and comes to the door.

"Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed in your
pasture. Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?"

"You don't get milk from milkweed," the farmer replied.
"Oh yes," said the young man, "I have a degree in Agriculture from Texas A&M, I know all about it."

"Well, help yourself," said the farmer.

He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full
of milk.

The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same
young man drove up.

"Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some
honeysuckle in the fence row. I wondered if you would mind if I got
some honey?"

"You don't get honey from honeysuckle," said the farmer.

Again, the young man explained about his degree from A&M, so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey. Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.

The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house.

"Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some
pussy willow down by the creek ...."

The farmer interrupted, "Let me get my shoes. I'll go with you!"

Southern Belles
 

Miss Annabelle had just returned from her first trip to New York City and was serving refreshments to her Southern belle friends on her Daddy's mansion's front porch. It was a hot summer day, but her tales held them spellbound.


"In New York City," said Miss Annabelle, "they have men who kiss other men on the lips."


Miss Annabelle's friends fanned themselves faster and said, "Oh, my!"


"They call them homosexuals," proclaimed Miss Annabelle. "They also have women in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"


"Oh, my!" exclaimed the girls, as the pace of the fanning increased.


"They call them lesbians," said Miss Annabelle. "And they have men in New York City who kiss women between the legs," said Miss Annabelle.


"Oh, my!" said the girls from the edge of their chairs "What are they called?"


Miss Annabelle replied with a smile, "After I caught my breath, I called him 'Precious'!"

This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart. Girls -- Have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.