Little Conor William attended a horse auction with
his father. He
watched as his father moved from horse to horse,
running his hands up
and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a
few minutes, Conor
William asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses,
I have to make
sure that they are healthy and in good shape before
I buy."
Conor William, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think
the UPS guy wants
to buy Mom."

A Texas cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to
talk to a male
pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that
she was the Pharmacist and
as she and her sister owned the store, there were no
males employed there.

She then asked if she could help the gentleman.
The cowpoke said that it was something that he would
be much more
comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was
completely professional and
whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could
be confident that she
would treat him with the highest level of
professionalism.

The old bronco-buster agreed and began by saying,
"This is tough for me to
discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes
me a lot of problems and
severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you
could give me for it."

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to
my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at
length and the absolute
best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a
company car, and $3,000 a
month plus living expenses."

LOL^^^^^^^.

Nice to see you back Bardog!!

Thank you
It feels good to be back

A lady was driving down the highway and a cop was pulled her over for speeding. The officer got out of his car and walked up to the lady and the following conversation took place.

"I need to see your drivers license."
The lady replied, " I dont have one."
Then I need to see your registration. the officer advised.
"I dont have that either and I guess you want to see the dead body in the truck too?" The lady asked.
The officer then adv the lady to stay there and he would be back in a minute.

The officer went to his patrol car and called for a supervisor. When his sargent arrive on the scene he confronted the lady and asked her the same questions.

"I need to see your drivers license ma'am." The sargent said.
She handed him the license.
"and your registration?" the Sargent continued.
She handed the paper to him.
" Ma'am, My officer told me that you said you had a dead body in the trunk?" the Sargent inquired.
"And I bet he also told you that I was speeding too?" the lady replied.

THE SOLUTION

Here it is . . the solution to three major problems:

The Plan . . . a win win win situation.

Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.

Take the dirt and raise the levies in New Orleans.

Put all the Florida alligators in the moat.


Any other problems you'd like for me to solve today?

A tomato, a pickle, and a penis were all sitting around one day talking about how much their lives sucked.

The tomato said, "Man, my life sucks. Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad."

So the pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, someone puts me in vinegar, puts spices on me, and sticks me in a jar."

The penis glared at them both and said, "You guys think that you have it rough? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, they put a rubber tarp over my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against a wall until I throw up and pass out."

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch
table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go
through
the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage
can
under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put
the
bills
back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when
I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check
left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house
to my
desk
where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke
aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is
getting
warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
counter
catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the
counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for
all
morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to
water
the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a
container
with
water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen
table.

I realize that to night when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for
the
remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I
decide
to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the
flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the
floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe
up
the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was
planning
to do.

At the end of the day:
----the car isn't washed,
----the bills aren't paid,
----there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
----the flowers don't have enough water,
----there is still only 1 check in my check book,
----I can't find the remote, ----I can't find my glasses,
----and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know! I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I
realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for
it,
But first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

If this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY, GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL,
AND LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC.

At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth recently, John Howard turned to the Queen
and said:


"As I'm the Prime Minister, I'm thinking of changing how*my great country is
referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."
The Queen replied, "I'm sorry Mr. Howard, but to be a Kingdom, you have*to have
a King in charge - and you're not a King."
John Howard thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"


To which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you*have to be a
Prince - and you're *not a Prince, Mr. Howard."
Howard thought long and hard and came up with *"How about an Empire then?"
The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, *replied : "Sorry again, Mr.
Howard, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge and you are not
an Emperor."
Before Howard could utter *another word, The Queen said: "I think*you're doing
quite nicely as a Country."

Four Religious Truths
 

It is important for those of all faiths to recognize these Four Religious Truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian World.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.

Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, “Okay pedestrians”. Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted “Pedestrians” for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, “Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?”

Choo-choo.......!!
 

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying,

"All of you bastards who want off, get the fuck off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you basterds who are getting on, get the fuck on, cause
we're going down the tracks".

The horrified mother went in and told her son,

"We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train,but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with
his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,

"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue,

"For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see
the fat bitch in the kitchen."

Lucky Pig..........
 

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)




If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)




The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)



A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)



A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.) !




Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)




The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)



The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)



Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)



Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)




The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm........)




Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)



Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(OK, so that would be a good thing....)




A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)



An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)


Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words send it to everyone.

LOL, DM. Those are terrific. Thanks.

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his
room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad,
can you help?"


I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies!"

Shocked "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie,
Mom!"


I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
inquired (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my
most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed me (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.


"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're
about to witness the miracle of birth."


"Oh, gross!" they shrieked. "Yuck."


"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know (I really do think
she was being snotty here too, don't you?)


We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.


"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.


"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.


"Okay, okay." Squeamishly! , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several
more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the
females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.


We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. Women
can be so cruel to their own young (I mean what she does to me is one
thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a
C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step
outside.


"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie
is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like
most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did,
lying on his back" He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know
what I'm sa ying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just.....just.....excited,"
my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.
Then my vicious , cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then
even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless
manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...
I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..." she gasped
for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back
into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea." Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with
laughter.


2 - Lizards - $140...


1 - Cage - $50...


Trip to the Vet - $30...


Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's
wacker...........Priceless!