Oldie but goodie
 

Please do not let this upset you too much.

Today, the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny.

He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 last evening.

Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going, and going, "Pinkie", as he was known to his friends and family, was alone at the time of his death.

An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation.

Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming...

"What a way to GO !"

fishing with grandpa
 

A man and his grandson are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some weeping willow trees. The man takes out a cigarette and lights it.

His grandson says, "Grandpa, Can I try some of your cigarette?" "Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" he says. "No," says the little boy. "Then you're not big enough."

A few more minutes pass, and the man takes a beer our of his cooler and opens it. The little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?"

"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?", he says. "No," says the little boy. "Then you're not old enough."

Time passes and they continue to fish. The little boy gets hungry and he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies and eats one.

The grandfather looks at him and says, "Hey they look good. Can I have one of your cookies?" "Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" says the little boy. "I most certainly can!" says the grandfather.

"Then go f*** yourself," says the boy, "These are my cookies!"

more puns...
 

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot round the world.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental
medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of
the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has identical twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his Mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are identical twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the nude beaches while they were there.

They didn't want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him that the men with really big dicks were really really dumb, and that the woman with really big tits were really really dumb.

When they got to the beach they split up. Later the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was.

The boy said, "Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really, really dumb blond, and the longer they talked the dumber he got."

A blonde at a party, was telling her friend that she'd gone off men for life. "They lie, they cheat, and they're just no good," she moaned.

"From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my tried and tested plastic companion," she said.

"What happens when the batteries run out?" asked her friend. "That's simple," replied the blonde. "I'll just fake an orgasm as usual!"

Lady in a carpet store bends over to inspect a persian rug,
as she does so,she passes wind.feeling very embarrassed
she stands back up hoping no one heard.but there right
be side her stands a salesman,may i help you he ask's
i was wondering about the price of this rug,she replies,
well ,he say's,if touching it makes you fart,you a going to
shit yourself,when i tell you the price.

A small business owner was faced with a problem that he needed to downsize his company. He added up all the receipts and discovered he could get by if he laid off one of his employees.

He looked in his files and discovered that he had two new employees, one named Jill and the other named Jack. Because they had started on the same day at the same time, he wondered how he would make the decision on who to fire. Finally he decided that the first one he saw taking a break would be fired. About ten minutes later, he saw Jill leaning against the wall next to the water cooler.

He left his office and walked over to her with a serious look on his face. He turned to her and said, "Jill, I have some rather bad news. It seems as though I'm going to lay you or Jack off."

Jill looked at her employer and said, "Well, you're going to have to jack off. I have a headache."

How to Tell if Your Viagra is Working
 

How to Tell if Your Viagra is Working

- At work, they call you a spiritualist because when you sit down at a meeting, the table floats.

- Your face is very pale due to lack of blood.

- When you walk into a sauna, everyone stands and applauds. They begin to call you "the tripod."

- You begin to think your mother in law is pretty.

- Sunbathing nude outside standing: Birds perch on it.

- Sunbathing nude outside lying down: You look like a sundial.

- Everyone at the bank, grocery, etc... lets you go to the front of the line...

- Compared to you, Pinocchio doesn't look like such a liar.

- You always lose limbo contests.

- Lewinsky wants you to be president someday.

- You can make drawings in the sand without having to find a stick.

- You like to sleep on your back, so you had to remove the ceiling fan.

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colors - green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared.

The young man said, "What's the matter, old timer? Never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Nubian....LMAO


Q What is making love?


A It's what your girlfriend's doing while your screwing her brains out.

7 Things Men Won't Say...
 

..(This, of course, excludes the men here at Pixies :D )

1. I'd like to take you out on a date but your tits are just too big.

2. Here honey, you use the remote for awhile.

3. While I'm up, can I get you anything?

4. Sex isn't important, sometimes, I just want to be held.

5. We never talk anymore.

6. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.

7. I'm sick of blow-jobs. How about if I just try to satisfy you for an hour?

Politic Science 101
 

One day a son asked his father to explain what politics was.

DAD, "Well son, let us take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let us call me the Management. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we will call her the government. We take care of you and your needs, so let us call you the People. We will call the maid the Working class and your baby brother the Future. Do you understand politics then?"

SON, "I am not really sure dad, but I will think about it."

That night the boy was awakened by his baby brother crying, so he went to see what was wrong. He discovered that the baby had heavily soiled his nappy. The son went to his parents room and found his mother asleep. He then went to the maids room where, peeping through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. He tried to knock but his knock went totally unheard. He then decided to go back to his room and slept.

The next morning he went to his father and said he finally understood what politics was.

Nubian---My wife loved your thread on--7things that Men won't
say. Irish

Morning after a party, two female flatmates are talking.

One says, "My mouth tastes like the bottom of a bird-cage."

Her friend says "No wonder, you had a cock or two in there

last night."

LOL...Please relay my thanks.

Top Ten Signs Your Grandparents Are Still Sexually Active
 

10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.

9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.

8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn."

7. Granny found cuffed to her walker.

6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.

5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.

4. Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith.

3. You've just seen the photos in the "BeaverHunt" section of the May issue of Hustler.

2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.

1. Kraft-matic adjustable bed set for "doggystyle."

30 Harsh Things A Woman Can Say To A Naked Man
 

Some may have been repeated here already...

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhh, its cute
3. Why don't we just cuddle
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it.
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's ok we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no...a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you.
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me.
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you should judge people on their personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.

What do you call an epileptic man in a pile of leaves?

Russell

What do you call a man with no arms in a swimming pool?

Bob

following OF's lead...
 

What do u call a man with a shovel in his head?

Doug



What do u call a man without a shovel in his head?

Douglas

What do you call a man with a spade stuck in his head?

Doug.

What do you call a man with a trowel in his head?

Douglas

beat ya to it OF....sorry :(

What do you call a man with no arms or legs on your doorstep?

Matt

Legend
 

Sorry bloke, missed them.

Nubian---As an aside;this strikes me funny and brings back funny
memories.Regarding your thread 30 Harsh things a woman can
say----.It brings back a memory to me that she would deny--Straight front--Accountant,Bookkeeper,business professional,etc.
Is completely different with me.
I used to lie on the bed with an erection(hard-on)pointing up
my stomach.She would ask me to make it twitch and jump.I could
do this easily by tightening my stomach or groin muscles!
That's the first thing that I thought of when I read #5. Irish
P.S.It's funny that you remember; the things; that you do!I'm
talking about my wife.I always compared our relationship to a
magnet.Likes repell and unlikes attract.I was wild and she was straight acting!

LOL and LMAO. You're one of a kind Irish, one of a kind.

For those of us with daughters.
 

*DADDY'S TEN RULES OF DATING*

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come
off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my
daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something
useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon
as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car --there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Nubian---You must be right when you say that I am one of a kind!
My wife and daughters agree with you.They always told me that after they made me that they broke the mold.One of the rules for
daughters boyfriends that you forgot is to show them your gun
collection and explain to them that you shoot-"Expert"I used to
delight in showing them my new stainless 44Mag. Redhawk that
I had accurised and explain to them that was what I used when
I competed in Handgun Competions.They treated my daughters
very well after that speech. Irish

Irish, I must keep that in mind. I'm sure it will be handy someday.

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO Prostitutes - $50.00"

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "Jesus Saves."

One of the girls asked the cop: "how come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."

The Heights Of Ecstasy...



The Italian says, "When I've a finished makina da love with my girlfriend, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees. She floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy."

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Av'ave finished making ze love to ze girlfriend, Ah kiss way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure exstasy."

The Newfie says, "Dat's nuttin bye! When I finish doin me missus, I gets out of bed, walks over to da window and wipes me dick on the curtains.She hits da fuckin' roof every time." :D :D :D

A lady wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in her tree.

She looks in the phone book and finds a gorilla removal service. When she asks if they can remove the gorilla, the service guy asks, "Is it a male or female?" "Male," she replies. "Oh yeah, we can do it. I'll be right there," he states.

An hour later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the woman some instructions.

"I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will go to bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself, allowing you to put the handcuffs on him."

The woman asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"

The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla does, shoot the Chihuahua."

Subject: raise request...

"REQUEST FOR A RAISE"

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:

-I do physical labour
-I work at great depths
-I plunge head first into everything I do
-I do not get weekends off or public holidays
-I work in a damp environment
-I don't get paid overtime
-I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
-I work in high temperatures
-My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Signed,
Penis

************************************************** **
Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, The administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

-You do not work 8 hours straight
-You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
-You do not always follow the orders of the management team
-You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
-You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
-You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
-You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
-You'll retire well before reaching 65
-You're unable to work double shifts
-You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work
-Your frequently sick on the job
-And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.


Sincerely,
TheManagement

How to Impress the Opposite Sex...
 

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

Compliment her
Cuddle her
Kiss her
Caress her
Love her
Stroke her
Tease her
Comfort her
Protect her
Hug her
Hold her
Spend money on her
Wine & Dine her
Buy things for her
Listen to her
Care for her
Stand by her
Support her
Go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

Show up naked.
Bring beer.

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow, the horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm, but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving his friend from sinking.

A few days later, the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!". Grab my thingy and pull yourself up". The chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If your hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

LoveDiva4u---When the penis requested a raise in salary;he forgot to mention that he was constantly abused.His boss;beats
him all the time!You'ld love the T'shirt that my youngest daughter
gave me.It has multiple penis's on it.Each one has a saying;like
my closest neighbors are nuts.My other neighbor is an asshole,my
owner beats me all of the time,the rest of the time;I just hang
around,etc. Irish
P.S.It made a big hit with management when I wore it to work!
It also gets noticed at Wal*Mart.

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.

"Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?"

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention.

It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

"Why this is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Just look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"

"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin.

He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" exclaimed the grateful monarch. "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.

"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur. "My one and only true knight. Only you among all the nobles have been true to me.

What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"

But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.

Welcome to student life...

Departmental Grading

This is a list of the ways that my professors grade their final exams:

Dept Of Statistics:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

Dept Of Psychology:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

Dept Of History:
All students get the same grade they got last year.

Dept Of Religion:
Grade is determined by God.

Dept Of Philosophy:
What is a grade?

English Dept.:
Your final exam will be scored by totaling the weight of all the books you read this semester:
40+ pounds - A
30 pounds - B
20 pounds - C
10 pounds - D
-10 pounds - F

Law School:
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

Dept Of Mathematics:
Grades are variable.

Dept. Of Physics:
Grades are relative. but... All theoretical physics is really mathematics. See above.

Dept. Of Chemistry:
All theoretical chemistry is really physics. See above.

Dept. Of Biology:
All theoretical biology is really chemistry. See above.

Dept Of Logic:
If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

Dept. Of Marxist Studies:
The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of class
struggles. Therefore, everyone will now get the same grade!

Dept. Of Economics:
All of your grades, as a collection, will reach the level where your marginal
product (MP) of labour for each individual grade is equal.

Dept. Of Operations & Logistics Management:
Grades will be posted *at* 12:00 Noon. NOT 11:59 -- NOT 12:01

Dept Of Computer Science:
Random number generator determines grade, but... YOUR grade is an object in a class of its own.

Music Department:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the
corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).