Norddakota
 

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there).

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.

He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk.

When he grabs a teat and pulls....the cow farts.

Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again.

He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again.

Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow.

When he gets back to Minnesota , he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.'

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat...the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole and says, You bought dis here cow over in Nordakota, didn't yah?'

Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip.

Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how did yah know?'

Sven says, 'My wife is from Nordakota.'

Vegetarian
 

"Vegetarian: Old Indian Word for 'Bad Hunter'"

:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:

My Twitter Won't Tweet
 

At my age I can't keep up. Anything I learn will be obsolete before I can apply it.


(Thought this was funny however it really hits pretty close to home for most of us.)

Things are spiraling out of control. I think I have become lost in a world of electronic madness.

One of my sons informed me this week that my cell phone has become obsolete and I must head down to the Cell Phone store and get a phone that is contemporary with the time.

I pointed out that the fancy Razor/Slim line phone with camera built in that he made me trade my perfectly good flip-top Motorola cell phone for two years ago still works perfectly fine. Well, except for the camera thing. Never could figure that out.. Even the few times I actually did take pictures I couldn't figure what to do with them and gave up. That is except when I would push the wrong button and take a video of the ceiling or my feet.

Seems the issue is that I am unable to text with the tiny little 3 character buttons. "Hi, son," would come out looking like, "Gh Qmo." My grandkids have even spoken to my wife about Poppa's crazy text messages. Give me abreak. Whatever happened to actually talking on a phone? Isn't that what they were invented for?

They want me to get one of those phones that you can turn upside down and sideways and has a typewriter keyboard with keys about one-eighth the size of my pinky finger. One of my four sons is a realtor whose real occupation is fly-fishing. "Way to go, son." Or in text language, "Xbz um Io, rmo."

We were floating the Yakima River in his guide quality drift boat south of Ellensburg , Washington . We were miles from anything remotely resembling civilization. Rock canyon walls were on either side of us. Bear with me as I try to explain this thing. His "Blackberry" rang. It was blue and I asked him why it wasn't called a Blueberry. He shook his head with that 'dealing with an elder despair' look I get a lot these days. It was another realtor who called to say that the sellers he represented had agreed to my son's client's changes and he had the signed documents in hand.

My son told him to FAX the papers to his office and he would get them signed and Faxed back, to close the deal that morning. A minute later the phone rang and he hit a few buttons and looked ove r the FAX, now on the Yakima River with us. He then called his clients and told them he was Faxing the papers to them to sign and asked them to FAX them back to
his office. While he was waiting, he hooked into a fat rainbow and was just releasing this 22 inch beauty as his phone rang again with the signed FAX from his clients.

He called the other realtor and told him he was sending the signed papers back by FAX. The deal was closed. He smiled and just said, "You are a little behind the times, Dad."

I thought about the sixty million dollar a year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter an d Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world. My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone within 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating" You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good. When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Jill, the GSP lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I Check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth re-usable bags to avoid looking confused but never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me,"Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

Have a nice weekend

Yes.

A Salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.



It's opened by a twelve year-old boy who has a cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Playboy Magazine tucked under his arm.



Salesman says: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"



The little boy responds: "What the fuck do you think!"

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'


'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'


'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.


She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

______________

Reporter interviewing an elderly woman asked, 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?'


She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
________________

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

_______________

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes, I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, tTake 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia & poor circulation. Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license!

_________________

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.

__________________

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

__________________

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

__________________

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

__________________


These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously. 'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?'



The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, 'I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.' Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay,' said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, 'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: 'Same illness, better insurance'.
:thumbs:

His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly
used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at
the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up
outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed
the Door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go.'

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and
took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the
pilot, `Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can
take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he
responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he
stammered, 'So, what you're telling me is . . . You're NOT
my Flight Instructor?

I apologise in advance for this one.









Mexican Words O f The Day
1. *Cheese*
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence.
Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese ugly.
2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car
There's not mushroom.
3. *Shoulder*
My fren wants 2 become a citizen,
But che didn't know how to read,
So I, shoulder.

4. * Texas *
When I'm not home,
My fren always Texas me,
Che wonders where I am!

5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza.
I got mine piece
Then che got herpes.
6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store
But ju went to see sum guy,
July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars
But my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife
But che said chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left
But don't worry wheelchair

10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women.
I told her, "Honey, harassment nothen to me.

12. * Bishop *
My wife fell down the stair
So I had to pick the bishop.
13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club
But no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*
That women has a nice body,
Budweiser face so ugly?

An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a
cafe, when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.


The Australian politely ignored the American who, nevertheless started up
conversation.


The American snapped his gum and said, "Do you Australian folk eat the
whole bread?


The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast,
and replied, "Of course".


The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States we only eat
what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them,
transform them into croissants, and sell them to Australia ."


The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence!


The American persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"


Sighing, the Australian replied, "Of course."


Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the
States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds
and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell
it to Australia ."


The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"


The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do."


The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the
condoms once you've used them?"


"We throw them away of course." replied the American.


Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. "We don't in Australia !


We put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum
and sell them to the United States .....that's why its called Wrigley's."

Pixies, deal with caution.

^^^^ :roflmao:

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH. He says to himself, "this driver is just as dangerous as a speedster!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seats and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly. Twenty-two kilometres an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly..

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error..

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask.. is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189."

I LOVE IT! :roflmao:

A Scottish Soldier in full dress uniform marches into a chemist shop.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
“How much to repair it?” the Scot asks the chemist.
“Six pence,” says the chemist.
“How much for a new one?”
“Ten pence,”says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemist shop and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
“The regiment has taken a vote,” he says.
“We’ll have a new one.

Makes you want to cry!
 

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

It's so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter
asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient
Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher
than GM.

The economy is so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and
learned their children's names.

The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into
Mexico.

The economy is so bad Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

The economy is so bad Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The economy is so bad the Mafia is laying off judges.

The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

And finally...

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.

Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated
by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

Sadly close to the bone.

Good one, but...















:eew: :eew: :eew:

A minister was going out of town and made a reservation at a motel with special requests.

When he arrived to check in he asked "I hope the pornography channel is disabled."

The desk clerk looked at him with amazement and scorn, said "No, you sick bastard, it's just normal people"!

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:


MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.

Must have been a blond.

Here's something to think about:

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' .

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you, party with friends, drive fast cars, travel a lot, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said,...




'Then, why do you even give a shit if you live to be 80 or not?

The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies". Toward the end of the service, He asked his congregation, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. This time about 80 percent held up their hands. He then repeated his question again. All responded, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs.Jones?" inquired the preacher, "are you not willing to forgive your enemies?
"I don't have any," she replied smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three." she replied.
"Oh Mrs. Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would you please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how a person can live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in the world?"

Mrs. Jones tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches!".

Halleluja!

FATHER OF THE YEAR


A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.


After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

Here's your sign.

Where?

No sign of the sign.

No, Bill Engvall has a series of jokes under the heading of "Here's your sign." The way I read that joke it sounded like one of his.

No sign of Bill Engvall in my horizon.

Let Me Understand This Health Care Thing ...
 

:rolleyes2

We're going to pass a health care plan
written by a committee whose head says he doesn't understand it,
passed by a Congress that hasn't read it but exempts themselves from it,
signed by a president that also hasn't read it, and who smokes,
with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes,
overseen by a surgeon general who is obese, and
financed by a country that's nearly broke.

What possibly could go wrong? Somebody's going to end up telling us this
was all just a joke ... right?

:shrug:

Another blond joke ... :)
 

During A Recent Password Audit, It Was Found That A Blonde Was Using The Following Password:

Mickeyminnieplutohueylouiedeweydonaldgoofy



When Asked Why Such A Big Password, She Said That It Had To Be At Least 8 Characters Long.

Yes, but the punchline won't hit for seven years.

Green Tree Snakes, can be dangerous.
A couple in Lismore, N.S.W. had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing some of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green tree snake was hidden in one of the plants, and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa..

She let out a very loud scream!

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.

About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The paramedics rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests, and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and a paramedic saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. The man broke his leg and is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor. He volunteered to capture the snake.

He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that he had been bitten by the snake.

She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred.

They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green tree snake. The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

The little snake again came out from under the sofa. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, and the lamp on it shattered, and as the bulb broke it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes were seen by the neighbors who called the fire department.

The firemen had started raising the fire truck ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the electricity, and disconnected the telephones in a ten city-block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV, and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

That's when he shot her.

Look closely, very closely at this picture.

We'll discuss it tomorrow.

I hope to hell you want us to find what I found.

I love the background. :)

For those of you who cannot tell the difference between an arse and an armpit, well, what can I say?

There was an armpit in the background? :yikes:

Irish Joke
 

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night".
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."