A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known necking spot.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light Brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a Computer magazine. He immediately notices a young Woman in the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car And gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"
The cop says: "What are you doing?"
The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat The cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting A pullover sweater."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane... And nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The Young man says "I'm 22, sir."
The cop asks: "And her...what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.

Lmao. I'll have to remember that one Booger.

9 months later!!!

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.

'Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... You know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)

I've heard that


*choke*


our favourite


*choke*


Kermit the Frog


IS DEAD!!!!


His last


*choke*


words were . . . . . . .











Bitch pig told me she was clean.

A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed. The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied,

Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Traffic Cop: You what!?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.


Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands
it to the officer

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my
officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car,
and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the bastard told you I was speeding, too.

:roflmao:

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'
The Aussie said 'One!'
The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64p.'
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.' 'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the
Coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'
'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4.
The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'
'No, no, no... He came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said... 'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

Lmao!!!!!!!!!!!!

:rofl:

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Babara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.

Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamppost below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

"What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied.

"Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."

:roflmao:

Well said.

THIS IS IN THE WORST POSSIBLE TASTE.


I was walking in a cemetery this morning
and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.

I said, "Mourning."

He replied, "No, just having a shit."

---------------------------------------------------


Went to my first Muslim birthday party last week.

The musical chairs was a bit slow, but fuck me,

pass the parcel was quick!!!

------------------------------------------------------

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way,
so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

-------------------------------------------------------

Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit,

"Get this thing outta me! Give me the drugs!"

She turns to her boyfriend and says,

"You did this to me, you fucker!"

He casually replies,

"If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse", but you said,

"fuck off it'll be too painful.'"


--------------------------------------------------

I'm not racist, racism is a crime, and crime is for black people

--------------------------------------------------


I went to see the nurse this morning for my
annual check-up. She said I had to stop wanking.

When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine
you!"

-----------------------------------------------------

I was walking down the road when I saw an
Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him,

What's up Abdul, won't it fucking start?"

-----------------------------------------------------

My girlfriend and I were having sex the
other day when she looked at me and said,

"Make love to me like in the movies."

So I fucked her in the arse, pulled out, and
came all over her face and hair.

I guess we don't watch the same movies.


-----------------------------------------------------


A man walks into a petrol station and says,

"Can I please have a Kit Kat Chunky?"

The lady behind the till gets him a Kit Kat
Chunky and brings it back to him.

"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal Kit Kat, you fat bitch."

-----------------------------------------------------

Chinese guy walks into a bar.

The bartender is black.

Chinese guys says, "Gimmie a jigger, nigger!"

The black guy is shocked, but gives him a
shot.

The Chinese guy does the same thing again.

The black guy gets pissed but still gives him another shot.

The Chinese guy says it again.

The black guy is royally pissed off by now.

He yells, "You get back here! I'm going to do the same

thing to you and you can see how it feels."

The black guy storms out and the Chinese
guy gets behind the bar.

The black guy walks in and yells,

"Gimmie a drink, chink!"

The Chinese guys says, "Sorry. We don't serve niggers here!"

---------------------------------------------------------

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted,

"Oi, what's your disability?"

I said, "Tourettes! Now fuck off."

OF, those are horrible, racist, stereotypical, perverse, and absolutely wonderful jokes. LMAO. Just the thing to read after a hard day at work.

Now for one that was sent to my via text:

This guy had a girlfriend who after sex loved to stroke his balls. One day he finally asked her why. She smiled at him and said, "Because I miss mine."

ok........ donning my flame proof garters..... these are awful, horrid, and in poor taste. LordSnow, his father and I found them pretty funny!




Farrah Fawcett reached the pearly gates and Gabriel greeted her. Saying he was a big fan of her work he said he would like to grant her a wish. "I wish for all the children in the world to be safe." was her only reply. and Gabriel said "Done!"






Due to the fact that Michael Jackson is 99% plastic, he will be melted down into lego blocks so little kids can play with HIM for a change.



Do I think he did it? honestly thats between him and his higher power. these are jokes. be entertained, or ignore it.
>hides<

Almost ashamed of myself for laughing at all those.


Almost...

COURT DOCKET 12659
CASE OF THE PREGNANT WOMAN
A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus, she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately got up and moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and had the man arrested.

The case came to court. The judge asked the man, (about 20) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor it was like this. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Slogan's Liniment will Reduce the Swelling" and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT you Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident...." I just lost it"

CASE DISMISSED

The mystery dollar
Three guys in a hotel call room service and order two large pizzas. The delivery boy brings them up with a bill for exactly $30.00. Each guy gives him a $10.00 bill, and he leaves.

When he hands the $30.00 to the cashier, he is told a mistake was made.
The bill was only $25.00, not $30.00. The cashier gives the delivery boy five $1.00 bills and tells him to take it back to the 3 guys who ordered the pizza.

On the way back to their room, the delivery boy has a thought... these guys did not give him a tip. He figures that since there is no way to split $5.00 evenly three ways anyhow, he will keep two dollars for himself and give them back three dollars. OK! So far so good!

He knocks on the door and one fellow answers. He explains about a mix up in the bill, and hands the guy the three dollars, then departs with his two dollar tip in his pocket.

Now the fun begins!
remember $30-$25=$5 Right? $5-$3=$2 Right?

So what's the problem? All is well, right? Not quite.

Answer this:

Each of the three guys originally gave $10.00 each.
They each got back $1.00 in change. That means they paid $9.00 each, which times three is $27.00. The pizza delivery boy kept $2.00 for a tip. $27.00 plus 2.00 equals $29.00.

Where the hell is that other dollar?

A riddle for the intellectually minded.


At the exact same time, there are two young men (20 years old)
on opposite sides of the earth:

One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers

The other is getting oral sex from an 85 year old woman.

They are each thinking the exact same thing.

What are they both thinking?

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

>

Answer:



Don't look down!!!!

Before leaving the house this morning, a man left this letter for his wife:

Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to Learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old secretary. I'll be home before midnight and will see you then.

Your Husband


When the Husband arrived at the hotel, there was this faxed letter waiting for him:

Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will also be at the Grand Hotel --- with our 18-year old pool boy.
Since you are an accountant, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.

Your Wife

Guess what I am????

THIS TOOL, COMMONLY FOUND IN THE RANGE OF <8> INCHES LONG.

THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH IS ENJOYED BY MEMBERS OF BOTH SEXES.

IS USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING LOOSELY, READY FOR INSTANT ACTION.

IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS AT ONE END AND SMALL HOLE AT THE OTHER.

IN USE, IT IS INSERTED, ALMOST ALWAYS WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY, SOMETIMES QUICKLY, INTO A WARM, FLESHY, MOIST OPENING WHERE IT IS THRUST IN AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN SUCCESSION, OFTEN QUICKLY AND ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS.

ANYONE FOUND LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC, PULSING SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE WELL LUBRICATED MOVEMENTS.

WHEN FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES BEHIND A JUICY, FROTHY, STICKY WHITE SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL NEED CLEANING FROM THE OUTER SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND SOME FROM ITS LONG GLISTENING SHAFT.

AFTER EVERYTHING IS DONE AND THE FLOWING AND CLEANSING LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED EMANATING, IT IS RETURNED TO ITS FREELY
HANGING STATE OF REST, READY FOR YET ANOTHER BIT OF ACTION, HOPEFULLY REACHING ITS BRISTLING CLIMAX TWICE OR THREE TIMES A DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS.


WHAT AM I???????



AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED, THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN..........










































TOOTHBRUSH......... :-)))))

what were you thinking you pervert!!!

I heard they are going to send Michael to Lego. He has enough plastic in him they can make blocks, then little boys can play with him for a change.

PF, look a few posts up. Bama beat you to that one a few days ago. I still find it funny though.

I see.:o

I knew those jokes would come, but not that quick. I thought I was hearing the first one...... or they been written and just waiting. LOL

The statement that they paid $9 is incorrect, they paid 1/3 of 25 (8 1/3) and were give $1 each, bringing it to 9 1/3 accounted for.

more PI humor
 

An Amish farmer walking through his field
notices a man drinking from his pond, with
his hand.

The Amish man shouts: "Trinken Sie nicht
das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben
in ihm geschissen!" (which means: "Don't drink
the water. The cows and pigs have pooped in it!)"

The man shouts back: "I am a Muslim. I don't
understand, nor do I care to understand your
gibberish. Speak English, Infidel!"

The Amish man shouts back in English:
"Use two hands, you'll get more!"

From my bro, the Col...


Bro's,

Remember:

-Marines don't go hunting. Hunting implies a chance of failure. Marines go killing.

-When Marines do push-ups they don't push themselves up, they push the earth away.

-Marines have been to the Virgin Islands. That's why they are now simply referred to as "The Islands".

-Marines don't wear watches. They tell you what time it is.

Semper Fi,
Minimus

That sounds like Chuck Norris jokes. Still funny though.

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!'


(OF/Sharni - real-life guy?)


General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

LOL! TY dm383. :)

I'm sending that friends and family. To funny not to.

Cosgrove is real, but I read this attributed to a Yank a few years ago.

There is a trend to Australianise interesting American or British stories.


"A college girl" becomes "an Australian girl" etc.

It's cool to be Aussie again, isn't it...

When was it not?

uuuummm...couple weeks ago, I think you were having a coffee break... :shrug:

I'm in England at the moment, you know, the long dark coffee-break of the soul.

Did I tell you about a postcard I saw?

It had a typically 1950s kitchen scene, her over the stove and him looking on.

She said "What brings you home at 7 in the morning?"

He said " Breakfast."

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

:blink:

Just in case you need a laugh:

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground..
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode..
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing..
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
(I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last...
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.