Scotz,

The "You know you're from Darwin" quote has much in common with the redneck version.

Sadly true is the one where "You companion plant dope and tomatos and make more from the tomatos."

Tools Explained
 

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, " Crap "

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Us ed for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool fo r testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMN-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling '"Son-Ova-Beach" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need, now hiding somewhere under the bench .

Being a grandparent
 

Being a Grandparent...

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, 'But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!' I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye!!

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.' He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, 'Who was THAT?'

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: 'We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.' The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!'

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?' I mentally polished my halo and I said, 'No, how are we alike?'' You're both old,' he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. 'What's it about?' he asked.
'I don't know,' she replied. 'I can't read.

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I conti nued. At last she headed for the door, saying, 'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!'

8. When my grandson Melvin and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, 'It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.'

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, 'I'm not sure.' 'Look in your underwear, Grandpa,' he advised. 'Mine says I'm
four to six.'

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, 'Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.' The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. 'That's interesting,' she said, 'how do you make babies? ''It's simple,' replied the girl. 'You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'.'

11. Children's Logic: 'Give me a sentence about a public servant,' said a teacher. The small boy wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.' The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. 'Don't you know what pregnant means?' she asked. 'Sure,' said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child.'

12. A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. 'They use him to keep crowds back,' said one child. 'No,' said another, 'He's just for good luck.' A third child brought the argument to a close. 'They use the dogs,' she said firmly, 'to find the fire hydrants!'

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man and a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

A 6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER, WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''

GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!

It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

Absolutely no connection.

Doctors vs. Gun Owners

Doctors

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. - 700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.

(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services.
----------------

Now think about this:

Guns

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. - 80,000,000.
(Yes, that's 80 million)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups,
is 1,500.


(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.

Statistics courtesy of FBI
---------------------

So, statistically, doctors are approximately
9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN...
BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.

We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!

Out of concern for the public at large, I withheld the statistics on
Lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek
medical attention!

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf
When she suffered a bee sting.


Her pain was so intense that she decided to return
To the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and
Asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'

'I was stung by a bee', she said.

'Where', he asked.

'Between the first and second hole', she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said,
'Then your stance is too wide.'

Nookie Green
 

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession.

I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional.

'Father, it has been two months since my last confession.

I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.

The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.

Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

The State of the Union
 

Got these from another Pixie and I love them ...


1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing. Its called the stock market.
2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wal-Mart Street.
3. The difference between a pigeon and an investment banker. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.
4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!
5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.
6. I want to warn people from Nigeria. if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it.
7. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my checks is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's...

"BAIL EM OUT! ????
 

Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country and our banking system to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey!

Pulled over
 

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out a second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit fitted in the car he had just pulled over, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Dangit " woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

I love this part........... :

'Only when he's been drinking.'

To be 6 ... again
 

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again??'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Savoir?'

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt with the pencil.

'Jesus Chris t!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that f***#@^ thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.

New Company Policy
 

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate..

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S . or C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.).

We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!

The Management

Ah yes, the tender heart of Management.

Blonde Flying To Houston
 

The plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy class gets up and moves to the First Class Section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy Class adn that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde. I'm beautiful. I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde. I'm beautiful. I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry." She gets up and goes back to her seat in Economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss..

I just told her First Class isn't going to Houston.

Good one! :rofl:

I wonder where First Class ended up?

Took a left at Albuquerque?

Duh, what's up Doc?

Better ask Nurse, she has the X-rays.

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making bikie steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to him with a menacing stare as if to say 'Well, - whatcha gonna do about it?'

The little guy starts crying.

'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time', the bikie says, 'I didn't think you'd CRY. - I can't stand to see a man crying.'

'This is the worst day of my life', says the little guy between sobs.

'I've got to admit it - I'm a complete failure -I just can't do anything right.'

'I overslept and was late to an important meeting,- so my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance.

I left my wallet in the cab I took home..

I found my wife in bed with the gardener - and then my own dog bit me.

So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.

I buy a drink - I drop my capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve - then you show up and drink the lot! '

:roflmao:

Laughs for Seniors





An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of
years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able
to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that
allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the
doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is
perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you
can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my
family yet. I just sit around and listen to the
conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center
were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns
to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now
and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're
about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple' s
house, and after eating, the wives left the table
and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,
'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it
was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally
said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to
someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then
turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's
the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for
patients being discharged. However, while working
as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman
already dressed and sitting on the bed with a
suitcase at his feet, who insisted he! Didn't need
my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he
reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was
meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in
the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'


Couple in their nineties are both having problems
remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor
tells them that they're physically okay, but they
might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that n ight, while watching TV, the old man
gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you
can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.
ys, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of
ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll
forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it
down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries
and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his
wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the
plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a
new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars,
but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to
get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking
down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris
and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc :
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said,
'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto
a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Soon, not yet, but soon enough.

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating. ' The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating' .

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate' Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

Makes you wonder how many time little Johnny's parents have been called in to the principle's office.

A small boy was lost at a large shopping Centre.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my pop!'
'The cop asked, 'What's he like?'
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
' Bundaberg Rum and sheilas with big tits.'

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for
his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500
in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price..



Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it
home.



He presents it to his wife and asks her to go
upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.



Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I
have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as
well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do
the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep
the $500 refund for myself.'



She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a
pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think
for $500, they'd at least iron it !'



He never heard the shot.



Funeral on Thursday at Noon . Closed coffin.

Wake to be advised?

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE (AND THEIR HUSBAND'S)

Barbara Walters, of Television's 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands.

From Ms Walters' vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women walked even further back behind their husbands, and seemed to appear happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you continue with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said...

'Land Mines.'


The moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak and where you go)

BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN!

So true.

Is this just a sick coincidence?

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig -
Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of people around the globe.


Next year is ...

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

An increase in viagra sales?

A guy goes into a drug store and starts wandering up and down the aisles. Soon a sales lady asks him if she can help him find something. He tells her he's looking for tampons for his wife. She points him down the correct aisle and tells him if he needs anymore help let her know. A few minutes later she's at the register and the guy walks up with a big bag of cotton balls and a roll of string. She gives him a puzzled look and says she thought he was looking for tampons. The guy replies, well the other day I sent my wife out for a carton of cigarettes and she came back with a tin of loose tobacco and rolling papers because "it's sooooo much cheaper." So I figure, if I have to roll my own, so does she.

:roflmao:

LS, you're just stringing us along.

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."

For dicksbro
 

Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

'Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......'

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?'

The Dentist




A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled.. The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot. 'No way! No needles! I hate needles,' the patient said.




The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man
objects. 'I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocating me!'




The Dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says.. I'm fine with pills.' The Dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.'




The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'




'It doesn't,' said the Dentist, 'but it will give you something to
hold on to when I pull your tooth.

:roflmao: Good one! Thanks. :thumbs: