Even rejection's going high-tech these days....... well, kinda!!

Lastly.........
 

Now, it seems, even our four-legged friends are getting in on the act!!

Hope you enjoyed at least one of these. :)

DM

Do you know how to.....
 

POTATO PROSTITUTES

Two little potatoes are standing on the street corner. One is a prostitute.

How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

Hold on......










You're gonna love it...







It's the one with the little sticker that says...









I-DA-HO :D

Pet Dog Peeves
 

"10 Dog Peeves with Humans"


1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all!!!

2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG !

3. Taking me for walks, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose.. stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo!!! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

8 Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. Dog sweaters. Hello??? Haven't you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both now the truth -- you're just jealous.


Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who's boss here. You don't see me picking up your poop, do you ???

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life
>with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair,
>watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob
for
>companionship.
>
> One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy
>godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here
>after all these years?"
>
> The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived
>an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which
your
>heart still yearns?"
>
> Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some
>thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was
>wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my
>disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
>
> Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold
>Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother."
>
> The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can
>do What do you want for your second wish?"
>
> Cinderella! looked down at her frail body, and said, "I
>wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."
>
> At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful
>young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that
had
>been dormant for years.
>
> And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have
>one more wish; what shall it be?"
>
> Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the
>corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a
>kind and handsome young man."
>
> Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a
>change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he
was
>a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever
>seen.
>
> The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella,
>enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
>the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few
>eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
>Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly
>perfect man she had ever seen.
>
> Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed
>in her rocking chair, &held her close in his young muscular arms. He
>leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he
>whispered..........
>
> "Bet you're sorry you neutered me."
>
>
>
>

So THIS is what db gets up to!!
 

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting.

Well for example, the other day I went into town and went to a shop in
High street.

I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a
cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on
mate, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and
continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi Bastard.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn
tyres. So I called him a piece of stinking dog shit.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the
first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20
minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.


Personally, I didn't give a shit. I came into town by bus.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

Kids, you've gotta love 'em!
 

"A fireman is working on the engine outside the station when he notices
a little girl riding down the pavement in a little red wagon with little
ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the
middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet.
The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fireman walks out to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire
truck," he says admiringly. "Thanks, Mister Fireman," the girl says.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the
wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner,"
the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig,
but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you
could go faster.

" The little girl replies sweetly, "You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren !"

I'm not sure if this has been posted before... but I like it, so here you are!


Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparents house to visit her 95-year-old
grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had
died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were
making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church
bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow
and even...Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the
Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He’d still be alive if
the ice cream truck hadnt come along.

Classic Affairs!
 

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

One for Scotz?!?!?!
 

This last one was one which appealed to me on SO many levels......... hope you all like it too!!

DM

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,

"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,

"Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked,

"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said,

"Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said,

"Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but
why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied,

"Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

If you cannot decipher anything, then try pulling the corner of your eyes up and outwards.

It works!

DM

i must book an appointment at my opticians immidiately!!

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
>
>A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus She noticed the man opposite
>her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
>
>
>This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
>
>
>The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out
>laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
>
>
>The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
>what he had to say for himself.
>
>
>The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got
>on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down
>under a sign that said,
>
>
>'The Double Mint Twins are Coming' and I grinned.
>
>
>Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will
>reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.
>
>
>Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big
>Stick Did the Trick', and I could hardly contain myself.
>
>
>BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign
>that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'...
>
>
>I just lost it."
>
>
>"CASE DISMISSED!!"

LITTLE KNOWN MARITIME FACTS


A number of primary schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were
asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got
together to compare the results and put together some of the 'better' ones.

1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)

2. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you
a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to
plug themselves to chargers.
(Christopher age 7)

3. Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(James age 6)

4. If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea
all around you, you are in continent.
( Wayne age 7)

5. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend no more.
(Kylie age 6)

6. A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of it's head.
(Billy age 8)

7. My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)

8. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to
make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.
(William age 7)

9. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do
mermaids get pregnant?
(Helen age 6)

10. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy
shrink.
(Kevin age 6