An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one
> Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He
> told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his
> girlfriend.
>
> The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a
> $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't
> think you understand, I want something very special."
>
> At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock
> and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at
> only $40,000," the jeweler said.
>
> The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled
> with excitement.
>
> The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
>
> The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man
> stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is
> good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday
> to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday
> afternoon," he said.
>
> Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.
> "There's no money in that account."
>
> "I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend
> I had?"
>
> Don't mess with Old People.
>
>

Subject: Mischievous Grandmas


Three old mischievous grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing
home. About
then an old grandpa walked by, and one of the old grandmas yelled out
saying, "We
bet we can tell exactly how old you are." The old man said, "There ain't no
way you
can guess it, you old fools." One of the ornery grandmas said, "Sure we
can! Just
drop your under shorts and we can tell your exact age."
Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers.
The grandmas stared at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple
of times,
asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up
and said,
"You're 84 years old!"
"How in the world did you guess?"
The ornery old grandmas, snickered and laughed.
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled
in unison,"Because
We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she
presented each child in her class the first half of a well-known proverb
and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.


It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their
insight may surprise you.


While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders,
6-year-olds-because the last one is classic!


1. Don't change horses.................................. until they stop running.

2. Strike while the........................................... bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before......................... Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of.......... termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but ......... how?

6. Don't bite the hand that .......................... looks dirty.

7. No news is........................................impossib le.

8. A miss is as good as a ............................... Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new .............. math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll . stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust . me.

12. The pen is mightier than the.................... pigs.
13. An idle mind is........................................... the way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's ................ pollution.

15. Happy the bride who................................ gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is . not much.

17. Two's company, three's ......................... the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what............ you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.......................... you have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as .................... Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not........... spanked or grounded

22. If at first you don't succeed ................. get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you.......... see in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind . get out of the way.

And the WINNER and last one!

25. Better late than....................................... pregnant

Rough Sex (FACTS)
 

I think this is funny. It's a lil chain letter type, but still cool. Plus, I need ALL the luck I can get =p

hug leads to a kiss...a kiss leads 2 a finger...a finger leads to a a hand...a hand leads to a lick...a lick leads to a suck...a suck leads 2 a fuck. So tell me how many people are you gonna hug after you heard this cuz sex is like math...u add the bed...subtract the clothes...divide the legs...leave your solution...and pray you dont multiply!
Send this right after u read it, something good will happen at 2:25 tomorrow. Get ready for the biggest shock in your life!!
Whoever breaks this chain will be cursed w/ relationship problems 4-10 years.
If you send this in 15 mins. your safe. Something good will happen tonight at 11:11pm.
This is not a joke...someone will either call you or will talk to you online.

Giving .........head....... massages the jaw....while burning 32 calories.

Swallowing foreign body juices is actually like taking vitamins and it whitens your teeth

Having nice sex burnes 358 calories.

Having rough sex [make it hurt] burns 543 calories.

Take off her clothes
with her consent.........................12 cal
without......................187 cal

Take off her Bra
With two hands..........................8 cal
With one hand.........................12 cal
With mouth.............................85 cal

Put on Protection
hard ........................... 6 cal
soft..........................315 cal

Foreplay
Looking for target...................8 cal
Finding G spot ......................92 cal
I don't F***ing care.....................0 cal

Entry
Holding her..................12 cal
On the floor.................8 cal

With Different Position
Missionary..........................358 cal
Doggy...........................316 cal
69 lying...............................286 cal
69 standing.............................512 cal
Italian hanger.........................912 cal

Orgasm
Real................................112 cal
Faking................................315 cal

After "O"
Lying in Bed............................18 cal
Hop off the bed............................36 cal
Wondering why she left pissed off...........816 cal

Get dressed
Quiet and calm...........................32 cal
Rushing.........................98 cal
Heard her boyfriend opening the door.............1218 cal
Heard her dad/2 yr old baby sista at the door.............1942 cal

IF YOU BREAK THIS YOU WILL HAVE THE WORST DAY OF YOUR LIFE TOMORROW AND AWFUL SEX FOR A YEAR! REPOST THIS AND YOU WILL FIND AMAZING SEX WITHIN ONE MONTH ;)

REPOST THIS WITH THE TITLE: Rough Sex (FACTS)

Subject: My Private Part Died Today

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today! , and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied,

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with
his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of
your pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy.

"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing."

A married couple is lying in bed one night. Jill, the wife
<?XML:NAMESPACE
PREFIX = O />
is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband, Marc
turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading,
he periodically reaches over to Jill and fondles
her special area.

Marc does this a few times, but only for a very short
interval before returning to read his book. Jill
gradually becomes more and more aroused assuming that
Marc is seeking some encouragement she gets up
and starts stripping in front of him. Marc is
confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your
clothes?" His wife replies, "You were rubbing me
downtown. I thought it was foreplay,"
Marc says, "No, not at all."

Jill asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then? "

I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.

20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on
and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They
"Want Fries with that".

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has
Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"

7. Start or Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don t use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Jungle
Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends That You Can't Attend Their
Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You As "Your Excellency".

17. When The Money Comes Out of the ATM, Scream "I Won!,I Won!!!!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot,
Yelling "Run For Your Lives!! They're Loose!!!!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy
We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......
Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.

It's Called Therapy.

YOUR DRIVERS LICENSE TELLS IT ALL
> >
>A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play
date.
> >
>"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
> >
>"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother
replied.
>"It's not polite."
> >
>"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
> >
>"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are
really
>none of your business."
> >
>Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a
divorce?"
> >
>"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
> >
>The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
> >
>"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her
>friend.
> >
>"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's
>license It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
> >
> Later that night the little girl says to her mother,"I know how old
you
>are, you are 32."
> >
>The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
> >
>"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
> >
> The mother is past surprised and shocked now."How in heaven's name
did
>you find that out?"
> >
>"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy
got a
>divorce."
> >
>"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
> >
>"Because you got an F in sex."
>
>

Internet Addict Recovery Program

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.

7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!

Kermit gets a loan

> > >> A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from
> > >> her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
> > >>
> > >> "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
> > >>
> > >> Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog
> > >> says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that
> > >> it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
> > >>
> > >> Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
> > >> collateral.
> > >>
> > >> The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain
> > >> elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
> > >>
> > >> Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the
> > >> bank manager and disappears into a back office.
> > >>
> > >> She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit
> > >> Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow
> > >> $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
> > >>
> > >> She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is
> > >> this?"
> > >>
> > >> (you're gonna love this)
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> (its a real treat)
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> (a masterpiece)
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> (wait for it)
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> The bank manager looks back at her and says...
> > >>
> > >> "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old
> > >> man's a Rolling Stone."
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> (You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
> > >>
> > >> Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you
> > >> did!!! Have a lovely day!
> > >>
> > >>
> > >

POTATO PROSTITUTES

Two little potatoes are standing
on the street corner. One is a
prostitute.

How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

Hold on......

You're gonna love it...






It's the one with the little sticker that says...

I - DA - HO

Pilot talking to his co-pilot while on a flight and says to his co-pilot "All I need right now is a cup of coffee and a blow job." Unbeknowist to the pilot, the microphone is on and the whole plane can hear. The stewardness drops what she is doing and runs toward the front of the plane.

One of the passengers says, "Hey! Don't forget the coffee!"

Computers are wonderful, aren't they?!?!

In hospital.............

Are things even worse if you actually work with computers?!?!

Even the "Birds and the Bees" talk is getting lost these days! :confused: