If Music Be the Feud of Love . . . . .

Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a rottweiler ?
A: Lipstick.

Q: How do lute players spend their time?
A: They spend 80% of their time tuning and 20% if their time playing out
of tune.

Q: What do trumpet players use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers.

Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A: The bow is moving.

Q: How are a bagpipe player and blind javelin thrower alike?
A: Neither has to be very good to get everybody's attention.

Crescendo: A reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.

Discord: Not to be confused with Datcord.

Espressivo: Close eyes and play with a wide vibrato.
.
Lamentoso: With handkerchiefs.

Mean-Tone Temperament: One's state of mind when everybody's trying to
tune at the same time.

Q: What are burning oboes used for?
A: To set bassoons on fire.

Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards?
A: You get your job and your wife back.

Q: What's the definition of a minor second?
A: Two flutes playing a unison

Q: What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
A: People cry when you chop an onion into pieces.

Q: What is the difference between an accordion and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before jumping on the trampoline.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians?
A: A drummer.

Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
A: Saliva.

Q: What do you call a drummer with no girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
A: The knocking speeds up.

Q: How do you tell when a singer is at your door?
A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

Q: What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
A: When you plug them in, they suck.

Q: What does it mean when the guitar player is drooling out of both
sides of his mouth?
A: The stage is level.

Q: How many guitarists does it take to read a page of sheet music?
A: When you find one who can, ask.

Q: What do you do when a guitar player comes to your door?
A: Pay him for the pizza and shut the door quickly

Q: How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What do you think?

Q: What's the difference between a violinist and a dog?
A: A dog knows when to stop scratching.

Q: What's the difference between a frog driving down the road in a car
and a trombone player driving down the road in a car?
A: The frog might be driving to a gig.

First Time
 

First time sex

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

Gentle Thoughts
 

Birds of a feather flock together .......and crap on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf

Why did IowaMan come to mind?
 

How proud of your children are you?


One Sunday, while counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000.
It happened again the next week.

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

'Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,' he stated.

'Why yes,' she replied, 'every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church.'

The pastor replied, 'That's wonderful, how much does he send you?'

The old lady said, '$10,000 a week.'

The pastor was amazed. 'Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?'

'He is a veterinarian,' she answered.

'That is an honorable profession,' the pastor said. 'Where does he practice?'

The old lady said proudly, 'In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno.' :p

Ole
 

A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all
my patients'.

'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: 'So, Ole, how was your day?'

Ole told him that he took care of three patients.'The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'

'Bravo, Mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: 'HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!'

'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes.'

MEOW!!!!

This one is particularly Australian, but if you substitute your least favourite female politician, it'll work for you too.

A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an
Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the
road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state.

The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men,
the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.

The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway
here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.' We saw each other and
both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam
Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.

He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, Good-for-nothing, left wing
labour dickhead who knows bugger all about running the country.'

'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited
lesbian!'

He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard !'

And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a
bloody truck hit us.'

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital.
She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'

The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?'


The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay, Room 302.'

The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.'

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday..'

The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.'

The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'

The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit..'

Australian Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

Just thought you'd like to know.

Aphorisms
 

APHORISM: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH; ADAGE

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. - Like this: It could be a right number.
13. No one ever says "It's only a game." when their team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies ! )
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead!

A man walks in to a bank, pulls his gun out and demands money from the cashier. When he's finished collecting it, he turns to the person in back of him and asks "Did you see me rob this bank?" The person says "Yes, I did" and in response, the robber shoots him.

The robber then turns to the next person in line and asks her "Did you see me rob this bank?". She says "No, but my husband did."

Missed this when it was posted, but I have some more to add...


How many lead singers does it takes to change a light bulb?
Only one, she grabs the bulb & waits for the world to turn around her.

How many bluegrass pickers does it take to change a light bulb?
7, one to change the bulb, & the other six to complain that it's electric.

How long does it take to tune a 12-string guitar?
No one knows...

Didja hear about the drummer who locked his keys in the van?
Took him 4 hours to get the bass player out.

MAKING A BABY

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kisse d his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But If we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love To be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my> equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

THE VIBRATOR

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'*

Buzz Lightyear?

The Meaning of Words
 

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston, Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says," License and registration, please."

"What for?" says the lawyer.

The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

A new supermarket opened recently town.> It has an automatic water = mister to keep the produce > fresh. Just before it> goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder > and the smell of = fresh rain.> When you pass the milk = cases, you hear cows mooing > and you experience the> scent of fresh mown hay.> In the meat department = there is the aroma of charcoal > grilled steaks with> onions> .> When you approach the egg = case, you hear hens cluck > and cackle, and the air> is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and > eggs = frying.> The bread department = features the tantalizing smell > of fresh baked bread and> cookies.> I don't buy toilet paper = there
any > more.

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, 'I
> >want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.'
> >The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the
> >kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat
> >tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?'
> >
> >'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of
> >headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of
> >crisp bacon.
> >'Oh, OK!' said the blonde.
> >
> >She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and
> >gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for Blondie?
> >
> >She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
> >headlights and running boards,you might as well gas up!
> >
> >FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
other outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.

The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'

The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a
little nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that
done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up
they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze.'

The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'

The first! kid says, 'A circumcision'

'Whoa!' the second kid replies. 'Good luck buddy. I had that done when
I was born. Couldn't walk for a year.'

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football
game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next
to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand
his generation.

'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,'
the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. 'The
young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space
travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We
have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL,
bsp; light-speed processing ....and,' pausing to take another drink of
beer.

The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and
said, 'You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were
young.....so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little prick, what
are you doing for the next generation?'

The applause was resounding...

I love senior citizens.

This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men. What happens is that when you stop for a red light a young,
nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield. While she is doing this another person opens
your back door and steals anything in the car. They are very good at this.





They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday. I wasn't able to find them on Sunday.

Something to offend everyone.


Tasmanian couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is
crying her heart out.
Husband says ' Oh for fuck's sake stop crying, you're still my sister'

__________________________________

My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die
you come back as something else.

She said she wanted to come back as a pig.
I said, 'You're not fucking listening'


_____________________________________________


Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in
Afghanistan , told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

_______________________________________________

I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the
part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards,
gets in the car and fucks off.



__________________________________________________ _

A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today. Police have
Urged the public not to panic as they have managed to push it inside the
mosque.





================================================== ========

Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of
Me, give me drugs'.

She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you fucker'.
He replied casually,

'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said,
'Fuck off it'll be too painful',


Now who's laughing'

Dear Red States:

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals than we lefties.

Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Peace out,

Blue States

Truer words ne'er spoke in jest?

One can but hope.

The concept is growing on me, but I'd have to emigrate...plus there's a big embargo potential running thru the West, unless Canada wants to join New Calif...

It's funny, now it seems the North wants to run away from the South.

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decided to go on a picnic. So Mick packed the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches.



The trouble was the picnic site was ten miles away so it took them ten days to get there.



When they got there Mick unpacked the food and beer. 'Ok Les give me the bottle opener.'



'I didn't bring it,' said Les. 'I thought you packed it.'



Mick got worried; He turned to Alan, 'Did you bring the bottle opener??'



Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they were stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener.



Mick and Alan begged Les to go back for it, but he refused, saying they would eat all the sandwiches.



After two hours, and after they had sworn on their tortoise lives that they would not eat the sandwiches,

he finally agreed. So Les set off down the road at a steady pace.



Twenty days passed and he still wasn't back and Mick and Alan were starving, but a promise is a promise.



Another five days and he still wasn't back, but a promise is a promise.



Finally they couldn't take it any longer, so they took out a Sandwich each and just as they were about to eat it,


Les popped up from behind a rock and shouted........



















'I KNEW IT...I'M NOT FUCKING GOING!'

SEX AFTER DEATH


A couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact,


'Judy .Judy!'

'Is that you, Steve?'

'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'


'That's wonderful! What's it like?'


'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have Breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud
- lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.'


'Oh, Steve you surely must be in Heaven!'
'Not exactly... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Port Macquarie.'

:roflmao: ^^^^^

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: @ the tortoise joke ^^^ :p

A mother and her young son were flying Virgin Blue from Brisbane to
Melbourne . The son (who had been looking out the window turned to his
mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby
cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the
flight attendant. So the boy asked the flight attendant, 'If big dogs
have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have
baby planes?'

The flight attendant responded, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?'
The boy admitted that this was the case.

'Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because
Virgin Blue always pulls out on time. Ask your mother to explain that to you.'

Paddy was a youthful and hard working Irishman at a coastal village in Ireland .
Daily he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea then work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local ice works. He was a man of regular habits he always arrived home each day at a certain time.
Sadly, Paddy
did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart.

One day he failed to come home so his wife contacted the Police to investigate him being missing. They rowed out and found Paddy dead in the punt beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he'd tried to hoist aboard. Headlines next day in the 'Irish Times Newspaper'
said.....................






wait for it!










wait for it!




















************************






OYSTERS KILPATRICK !!!!

In Chicago, a truck carrying a load of Viagra was hijacked. Police believe the crime was commited by hardened criminals.

**ALL PUNS INTENDED "*

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does
this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were
nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I
couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other
and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire
in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you
can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked
them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a

family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture,
she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of
Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan,
you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also
ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad,
it's good) .. a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out
that there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns
to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would
make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

One thing about Australians is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place!



T. B. Bechtel, a part-time City Councilman from Newcastle, was asked

on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought of the allegations of

torture of the Iraqi prisoners.


His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous

applause from the audience.



HIS STATEMENT:

'If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's nuts to a car's battery cables will save

just one Australians life, then I have just three things to say,'


'Red is positive,

Black is negative, and

Make sure his nuts are wet.'

:yikes:^^

knock.
knock.

Who's there?

some of these may have been posted before but are still funny



One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy n ightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.



A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'




Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.







A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course , he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters & nbsp;
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'




Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'






A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'






Fifty-one years ago, Herm an James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.