Top 10 things that sound dirty in the legal profession...
 

10.) Have you checked out her briefs?
9.) He is one hard judge!
8.) Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7.) His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6.) Is it a penal offense?
5.) Better leave the handcuffs on.
4.) For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3.) Can you get him to drop his suit?
2.) The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
1.) Think you can get me off?

Top 10 things that sound dirty in Golf...
 

10.) Nuts... My shaft is bent.
9.) After 18 holes I can barely walk.
8.) You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7.) Look at the size of his putter.
6.) Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5.) Mind if I join your threesome?
4.) Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3.) My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2.) Nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
1.) Hold on... I need to wash my balls first!

word play
 

this one hit my inbox today... I had some chuckles because of it...
-NY

___________________
Word Play

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons

Well wrought puns. Had a chuckle or two myself.

Chinese Proverbs
 

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.


:D :D :D

NY, great puns! A friend of mine passed this on a while back --- if you like word play, this is hilarious! BTW, Diva, loved the 'proverbs'!

The Washington Post recently published a contest for readers in which they
were asked to supply alternative meanings for various words. The following
were some of the winning entries:

FLABBERGASTED (adj.): appalled over how much weight you have gained.
ABDICATE (v.): to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
CARCINOMA (n.): a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
ESPLANADE (v.): to attempt an explanation while drunk.
WILLY-NILLY (adj.): impotent
NEGLIGENT (adj.): describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer
the door in your nightie.
LYMPH (v.): to walk with a lisp.
GARGOYLE (n.): an olive-flavored mouthwash.
BUSTARD (n.): a very rude Metrobus driver.
COFFEE (n.): a person who is coughed upon.
FLATULENCE (n.): the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
over by a steamroller.
BALDERDASH (n.): a rapidly receding hairline.
TESTICLE (n.): a humorous question on an exam.
SEMANTICS (n.): pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood,
including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book
together just before vespers.
RECTITUDE (n.): the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist
immediately before he examines you.
MARIONETTES (n.): residents of Washington who have been jerked around by the
mayor.
OYSTER (n.): a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
expressions.
CIRCUMVENT (n.): the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
FRISBATARIANISM (n.): the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on
the roof and gets stuck there.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word
from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter,
and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:

SARCHASM: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who
doesn't get it.
REINTARNATION: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
GIRAFFITI: Vandalism spray-painted very high.
FOREPLOY: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining
sex.
INOCULATTE: To take coffee intravenously.
OSTEOPORNOSIS: A degenerate disease.
KARMAGEDDON: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad
vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious
bummer.
GLIBIDO: All talk and no action.
DOPELER EFFECT: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come
at you rapidly.
INTAXICATION: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.
And...
IGNORANUS: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

That's it Sweetstuff, I'm jumping in my ROTFLMAO 2500 and puttin' the metal to the pedal and the thing to the floor!
That was to funny! ;)

[size=1]Diva's proverbs made me think of these...[/i]

BUMPER STICKERS:

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later.
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

Ponderables....
 

I don't think I posted this one before... but it might already be here anyways... I'm rooting through my inbox (cleaning time) and came across this one...

-NY

_____________

1) Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water?? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

2) Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool??

3) If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea....does that mean that one actually enjoys it??

4) There are 3 religious truths: 1-Jews do not recognize Jesus as
the Messiah, 2-Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith, 3-Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.

5) Why do we say something is out of whack?? What's a whack??

6) If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular??

7) Why is the man who invests your money called a broker??

8) Why do croutons come in airtight packages?? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with??

9) If lawyers are disbarred & clergymen are defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked & dry cleaners depressed??

10) Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

11) What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men??

12) If American mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons
& forks, ever wonder what Chinese mothers use?? Toothpicks??

13) Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?? What are we supposed to do, write to them?? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail??

14) If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for??

15) You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive!!

I don't mean any offense to anyone by this... See how many mangled lines you can recognize!

Excerpts from the Alabama Shakespeare Festival
________________________________________________

Ta shewt er nawt ta shewt, heck ain't that a doozy? Yee-HAW!

Billy Bob, Billy Bob, where y'all at, Billy Bob?

A gun rack, a gun rack, my double-wide for a gun rack!

Tamarra, tamarra, and tamarra...why, that's three days from now!

Alas, poor Bubba....him and me usta go huntin'.

The first thang we do is kill all the lawyers...and then them there revenuers.

Out, out, damned spot! Git yer sorry ass outside, dawg!

That which we call a beer would taste jest as good if'n we called it sumthin' else....

Full of sound and fury, don't mean shit.

The quality of mercy is not strain'd... can you imagine what size colander they'd need?

Aw, whut laht is that in that winder yunder? It's Juliet! She's on fahr!

Neether a deadbeat nor one'a them there loansharks be, for yeh kin kiss your cash goodbye 'long wit the deadbeat ya loaned it to, and bein' a deadbeat takes tha edge offa yer homesteadin'.

Get y'all to a nunnery. Yer already mah sister.

Once more, into the breach...cain't shewt if'n they ain't no bullets in it.

Hey there, whut light on yonder winder breaks? "It's jest the moon, Sis."

Now it's winter on dis continent, with a glorious hummer and a ton of pork.

"I kin call forth beasts from the vasty deep!" "Bulll-sheeit. So could I, but I don't see 'em comin' when yew call."

Alas, poor Yorick... damn varmint done kicked th' bucket!

Is this a dagger I see before me? Hell naw, It's just a cow.

What's a movable? A joint stool. Go milk the damn cow, Bubba.

Till Dunsinane come to Birmin'ham Wood, whereupon we all had fun drinkin beer and shewtin' possum.

What light thru that there winder breaks, it's my pick-up, and that's my deer spottin' light.

Double, double, tawl and trouble, fahr burn and stew-pot bubble.....in
them p'ison'd roadkill throw....

Sheeeit. You, too, Brutus? Then keel over, Caesar!

Et tu Billy bob?

I come not to praise Ceasar, but to bury the sum-beeitch.

Double, double, toil 'n' trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble,
goddammit, the still's overflowed again!

Ain't as wide as a church door, Nor deep as a well, but it sho' 'nuff
hurts like hell!

Sumpin's rotten in the state of Denmark...sheeit, sumpin in this fridge smells.

Art thou ma daddy's ghost? Hell, naw! He's just passed out on the couch again.

What's in a name? Hell, if'n I could read, I could tell y'all.

To be or not to be. Whut was the question again?

Romeo and Juliet: A family reunion.

A CURSE ON BOTH YOUR TRAILERS!!

Oh Hell
 

A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil. The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity.

At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Massachusetts.

The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity. At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man, and found him still happy to be sweating and straining.

The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Massachusetts.

At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature for this man to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind. At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find the man miserable. But, the man was instead singing louder than ever, twirling the sledge hammer like a baton.

When the devil asked him why he was so happy, the man answered, "It's a cold day in hell, the Patriots must have won the Super Bowl!".

LoveDiva4u---Pantyfanatic doesn't agree with #11 on your list!
Irish
P.S.It's a good thing that I'm male.I ran out of fingers at 10 !

Bada Bing!
 

My sister is asthmatic. Last week in the middle of an attack she got an obscene phone call. He said, "Did I call you or did you call me?"

Define Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
There'd be too many thank you notes to write.

There's no business like show business, but there's no job like a blowjob.

What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
Two Mennonite!

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.

Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.

What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs, only one's coming and one's going!

How are airplanes and women alike?
They both have cockpits.

What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip.

What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator!

Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
Sperm is handmade.

If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear?
A hole in it.

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year!

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat me!

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One ... Men will screw anything.

What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
About three inches.

What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oyl.

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but its missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.

"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word," She tells him," Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word.

So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend throws her on the table and drills her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.

Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY. I'LL DO THE F***ING DISHES!!"

Twelve Steps to Not Thinking
 

I was a lot like you: carefree, happy and blissful. This was before my life took a tragic turn, a turn which I sense you are on the verge of taking. There is no help for me, unfortunately, but perhaps my story will prevent you from falling into the abyss into which I have been thrown.

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties, now and then, just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone. To relax, I told myself, even though I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally, I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Kafka and Thoreau. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What IS it exactly we are doing here?".

Things weren't going so great at home, either. One evening I had turned off the TV, and asked my wife "What is the meaning of life?". She spent the night at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day, the boss called me in and said "Greg, I like you and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job". This gave me a lot to think about!

I came home early after my conversation with the boss.

"Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking".

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce."

"But honey, surely it's not that serious!"

"It is serious", she said, her lower lip quivering. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money. So if you keep thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism!" I said impatiently, and she began to cry.

I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library", I snarled, and stomped out the door. I headed out to the library in the mood for some Nitzche and NPR on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors.

They didn't open. The library was closed! To this day, I believe a higher power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground, clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathrustra, a poster caught my eye.

"Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably
recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.

I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's". Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job and things are a lot better at home. Life just seems...easier, somehow, as soon as I stop thinking.

Bob was showing off his bird dog to his friend Bill. They went down towards a lake and Bob said to the dog, "How many ducks are there boy?" The dog raced off to the lake, came back a couple of minutes later, and barked twice. Seconds later, two ducks floated into view.

"That was unbelievable, can he do it again?" Bill asked. "Sure", responded Bob, "how many ducks are there boy?". The dog raced off again, came back, and barked four times. Four ducks flew in and landed on the pond.

"I have to have that dog," Bill said, "I'll give you $5000 and all of my hunting dogs." They agreed to the deal, and Bill took the dog home to show off to his wife.

Bill and his wife took his new dog down to the lake and Bill said, "How many ducks are there boy?" The dog raced off, came back, humped his wife's leg, grabbed a stick, shook it, and threw it over his shoulder.

"Bob gypped the hell out of you," his wife said "You are such a fool."

Bill protested, "But I saw it work, let me try again. How many ducks are there boy?" Again the dog raced off, came back, humped his wife's leg, grabbed a stick, shook it, and threw it over his shoulder.

"Well, shit" Bill said, "this dog is useless." Then, after shooting the dog, he went back and told the story to Bob. After hearing that Bill had killed the dog, Bob cried "YOU IDIOT ! That dog was telling you that there were more ducks than you could shake a f***ing stick at."

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, "DAMN!"

"What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."

These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."

The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.

The guys said, "What's that board for?"

The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this."

They said, "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said, "Well, take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year."

"Okay," they said and left.

The next year, one of the two guys came into the trader's store and said, "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."

The trader said, "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"

"Yeah," said the guy.

"Where is he?" asked the trader.

"I shot him," said the guy.

"Why?"

"I caught him in bed with my board."

A few more from the old archive...
 

A father comes home and asks where his son is. His wife replies that he's downstairs playing with his new chemistry set.

The father is curious so he wanders down stairs to see what his son is doing. As he's walking down the steps he hears a banging sound. When he gets to the bottom he sees his son pounding a nail into the wall. He says to his son, "What are you doing? I thought you were playing with your chemistry set. Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?"

His son replied, "This isn't a nail, dad, it's a worm. I put these chemicals on it and it became hard as a rock." His dad thought about it for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what son, give me those chemicals and I'll give you a new Volkswagen." His son quite naturally said, "Sure why not."

The next day his son went into the garage to see his new car. Parked in the garage was a brand new Mercedes. Just then his dad walked in. He asked his father where his Volkswagen was. His dad replied, "It's right there behind the Mercedes. The Mercedes is from your mother."

Letter from a new bride, married to an engineer
 

Dear Mother,

I am writing to inform you of how much I enjoyed my WIRELESS HONEYMOON. As soon as we arrived at our hotel, he insisted on seeing my receiving set, and naturally I agreed, for now he has a license.

He soon had my set uncovered and spend some time examining it carefully. My two large condensers pleased him immediately and he was soon manipulating them with the ease of an expert.

Obviously satisfied that my socket was in order, he got his aerial and had it erected, I was pleased to see that his twin accumulators were fully charged. He had quite a job getting his aerial filtered at first as he had it insulated with rubber. I suggested taking the rubber off to ensure complete contact, and having done so he plugged in again and turning his knob, a perfect contact was made inside my set.

He was careful at first as he played due to the resistance of my new receiver but soon the high tension increased and his aerial began to oscillate. My receiver warmed up and the signal to cover through. He manipulated the condensers again and extended the volume. Suddenly, I noted the atmosphere on my set and without warning massive fluid came through and fortunately the action caused his aerial to sag and his accumulators were run down. So, he was obliged to disconnect.

It seemed pity that our evening's entertainment had to be curtailed, but as he said my receiver would become adjusted to his aerial once he had learnt to control the high tension, perfect reception could be ensured over a long period. He said he was surprised to find my receiver new as he was under the impression that it had been in use with some other aerials.

I should like to have a longer aerial, for I feel sure if he could get an inch or more longer, we would have enough volume to get a loud speaker. He agreed with me but he thought regular use should stretch it sufficiently.

Well, Mother, I shall have to close now as he has been doing my condensers while I have been writing. He has already uncovered my receiver and his aerial is erected and I cannot write very well once he had got it plugged in.

I will write to you tomorrow and let you know what reception is like tonight. He did say that he is going to try my receiver in a different position.

Your loving daughter......

If you think life is
bad.....



How would you like
to be an egg?





You only get laid
once.





You only get eaten
once.





It takes four minutes
to get hard.





Only two minutes to
get soft.





You share your box
with 11 other guys





But worst of all..





the only chick that
ever sat on your face
was your mother!!!

:D :D :D

This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. "Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time." And she dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.

When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it!

"Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!" And that night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!

Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified.

"You're going to kill him," they'd all say.

Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous. "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "Ahh, I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his ass."

FARMER BLUES

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm...
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....


Some things you just can't explain.

DAILY AFFIRMATIONS:
 

- As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

- I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

- I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

- I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

- In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

- Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.

- My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

- I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.

- I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

- Joan of Arc heard voices too.

- I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

- I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

- As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

- When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

- The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

- As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

- All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.

- I am at one with my duality.

- Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

- I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.

- Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

- Does my quiet self-pity get to me? Yes? Or should I move up to incessant nagging?

- I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

- Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

- False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

- A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

- Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

- Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute...I'll find someone.

- Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

- The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

- I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

- Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents.

- To understand all is to fear all.

- I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

- The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.

- When I dance through life I do the Texas Two-Step.

- My body is a temple. Do you want to come over for midnight mass?

- To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

- I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

This prostitute goes up to a guy and says ''how would ya like to come over to my place and party??!!!''
the man says , ''how much is this gonna cost me??''
the pro says ''five hundred dollars''!!
''FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS!!!''he yells,''What do i get for five hundred dollars?''
''well first you take of your coat , and '''jack et'' she replies.
''I'd rather do it my way'', says he
''Whats that'', says she
''Well first i'm gonna tie ya to the bed.....then i'm gonna get a loooong stick...and i'm gonna start beating on ya... and beating on ya... and beating on ya........ and beating on......
''HEY!!!!'' she exclaims,''JUST HOW LONG ARE YOU GONNA BEAT ON
ME?!?!?!?!?
''TIL YOU GIVE BACK MY FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS !!!!!''HE SCREAMS!!:D :D :D

A man walked into a public men's room. His arms are held awkwardly out to his sides, forearms hanging limply, fingers spread apart. He approached another man and asked, "Excuse me, but could you please unzip my fly?"

The second fellow was embarrassed, but felt sorry for the stranger, who appeared to be crippled. He thought how humiliating it must be to have to ask for help for something like this, so he complied, unzip-ping the first man's pants.

Next, the man asked him to hold his penis while he peed. The second guy is even more embarrassed, but does as he was asked.

Finally, the first guy finished, and the second man started to put his penis back in his pants. "Oh, I can take care of that," the first man said, blowing on his fingers. "I think my nails are dry now."

Pink Pussycat Boutique

The sales girl at the Pink Pussycat boutique didn't bat an eye when the customer purchased an artificial vagina.

" What are you going to use it for?" she asked.

" None of your business," answered the customer, beet red and thoroughly offended.

" Calm down, buddy," soothed the salesgirl. " The only reason I'm asking is that if it's food, we don't have to charge you sales tax."

I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously gay male Flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great."

I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not. A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her: "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane."

She still wouldn't comply. Now he was getting angry and asked her again to put up the tray. She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one."

Our flight attendant replied: "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray up!"

An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back, "Gonna catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It's a pussy willow.

Old man says, "Wait up.... I'll get my hat."!

LMAO...that was a good one.

The three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook. The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!"

The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!"

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a pee yesterday, I came three times."...

In a busy city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather miniskirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it was her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still could not make the step. A little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time the big Texan who was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!"

At this the Texan drawled, " Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

BREAST STROKE THE CHANNEL
 

There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher. Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."

God noticed Adam was despondent. So the Lord God said, "Adam, come over here and sit down!". And Adam did so.

"Adam," spoke the Creator, "I see your countenance is fallen and you seem to feel rotten and lonely."

Adam said nothing in response.

"So," continued the Lord, "I am going to create an alternate person who will be with you!"

Adam just looked puzzled but interested.

"This person," said the Lord, "will take all the raw and tasteless food that you are currently ruining and will prepare wonderful, spicy, and tasty dishes."

Adam looked grateful.

"This person, "said the Lord, "will be beautiful to behold and graceful and interesting to watch as she walks."

Adam looked thoughtful.

"This person," emphasized the Lord, "will be able to satisfy all those dreams that you currently are having!"

Adam really looked relieved.

"And, lastly," said the Lord, "She will obey your every whim, desire and order with cheerfulness."

Adam was really impressed and finally spoke.

"O.K., Lord, but what is this going to cost me?"

"An arm and a leg," said the Almighty.

"Well," Adam then said, "What can I get for a rib?"

So there was this engineer, on a cruise ship in the tropics for the first time. He was being waited on hand an foot, having the time of his life... But, it did not last. A typhoon came up suddenly. The ship went down almost instantly.

When he came to, he found himself swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea for signs of a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, as he was lying on the beech stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came this rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in 4 months.

She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention. She rowed her boat towards him.

In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"?

She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank"

"Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you?"

"It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did."

"Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?" I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island, replied the woman. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides came from a cypress tree".

"But, but, asked the man, what about tools and hardware, how did..."

"Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed."

"I found that If I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"

At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach. "Well, let's row over to my place," she said." So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.

The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and at the end of which there stood a lovely bungalow painted in sky blue and white.

"It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Would you like to have a drink?" "No," said the man, "one more coconut juice and I think I'll be sick."

"It won't be plain coconut juice," the woman replied, "I have a small still, how about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to chat.

After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship". "Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

So, our enthralled engineer, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bath room. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a sharp edge. He shaved, showered and went back down stairs.

"You look great," said the woman, "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable." So she did.

And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of hybiscus and violets.

"Tell me," she asked, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and women need. Something that it would be really nice to have right now."

"Oh yes! There is," the man replied," as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her,

"Tell me... Do you happen to have an Internet connection?"

Nubian---The way that I heard that mens room joke was that the
man doing the holding said:That's too bad;Korea?
The other man,shook his hands out of his sleeves and said:No;
Gonorrhea;I wouldn't touch that with a stick!
In the other one;the flight attendant;was cool.I always said:Go out of your way to be nice to people.After that;if they're still assholes;prepare for the consequences! Irish
P.S.Thought you might get a kick out of the way that I heard that;
years ago.

I certainly did; especially since I've only heard the latter variation. Thanks Irish.

The country doctor was just returning from a delivery at an outlying ranch, when he crossed paths with the town gossip.

"Doctor Wilson, How is the Smith baby?"

The Doctor was in a good mood so he thought he might have a little fun, so he replied.

"Well, the child was born without a penis."

"Oh my goodness!"

"But she'll have a damn nice place to put one in 18 years."

Guy goes to see his urologist and says, "Doc, my 'thing' is orange."

Doc looks at it and scratches his head. "Got any family history that would account for this?", he asks.

"No", says the patient.

"Do you work with chemicals?"

"No", says the patient, "I don't work".

Doc says, "Do you have any hobbies that use chemicals?"

"No", says the patient. I don't do much anything except sit around watching porno flicks and eating Cheetos.

Lisp, perhaps?
 

On their first date, Adam took Diana to the carnival. When he asked her what she wanted to do first, Diana replied, "Get weighed."

So Adam took her to the man with the scale who guesses your weight. He looked at Diana and said, "One hundred and twenty pounds." Since Diana weighed in at one seventeen, she collected a prize.

Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Adam asked Diana what she wanted to do next. "Get weighed," she said.

So they went back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Diana's weight correctly. Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round. After they got off, Adam asked Diana what she wanted to do next. "I want to get weighed!" she said again.

Now Adam began to think this girl was insane, and decided to end the evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake.

Diana's roommate was waiting up for her return and asked how the evening went. "Wousy!" Diana replied.