For I am a Princess


> An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay
>flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served
>them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing
>down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me
>to announce that he'll be landing this big scary plane shortly, so lovely
>people,
>if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip
>back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman
>hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute
>engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat
>us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I
>am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
>
>To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well,
>sweet-cheeks, in my
>country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."

Baptizing a Drunk.............

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon
a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water
and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up
and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for
a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks
again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in
the water again---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when
he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks
the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher, ..................

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?

The Potato Garden
 

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Fred,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over; you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad


A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Fred


At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Fred

Never Say To A Cop
 

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Office r! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee .Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Building a webpage
 

The 25 steps involved:

1. Download a piece of Web authoring software - 20 minutes.

2. Think about what you want to write on your Web page - 6 weeks.

3. Download the same piece of Web authoring software, because they have released 3 new versions since the first time you downloaded it - 20 minutes.

4. Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site - 1 minute.

5. Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like - 4 days.

6. Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again - 25 minutes.

7. Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do - 15 minutes.

8. View the source of others' pages, steal some, change a few words here and there - 4 hours.

9. Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software - 1 minute.

10. Try to horizontally line up two related images - 6 hours.

11. Remove one of the images - 10 seconds.

12. Set the text's font color to the same color as your background, wonder why all your text is gone - 4 hours.

13. Download a counter from your ISP - 4 minutes.

14. Try to figure out why your counter reads "You are visitor number -.E31610" - 3 hours.

15. Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text - 8 hours.

16. Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP - 40 minutes.

17. Accidentally delete your complete web page - 1 second.

18. Recreate your web page - 2 days.

19. Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISP's server - 3 weeks.

20. Call a patient friend to find out about FTP - 30 minutes.

21. Download FTP software - 10 minutes.

22. Call your friend again - 15 minutes.

23. Upload your web page to your ISP's server - 10 minutes.

24. Connect to your site on the web - 1 minute.

25. Repeat any and all of the previous steps - eternity!

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to
take
>any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing
>one letter, and supply a new definition.
>
>Here are this year's winners. None of them get through spell check.
>
>1. *Intaxication*: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
you
>realize it was your money to start with.
>
>2. *Reintarnation*: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
>
>3. *Bozone* (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright
>ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little
sign
>of breaking down in the near future.
>
>4. *Foreploy*: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
>getting laid.
>
>5. *Cashtration* (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject
>financially impotent for an indefinite period.
>
>6. *Giraffiti*: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
>
>7. *Sarchasm*: The gulf b etween the author of sarcastic wit and the
person
>who doesn't get it.
>
>8.* Inoculatte*: To take coffee intravenously when you are running
late.
>
>9.* Hipatitis*: Terminal coolness.
>
>10. *Osteopornosis*: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
credit.)
>
>11. *Karmageddon*: It's like, when everybody is sending off these bad
>vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious
>bummer.
>
>12. *Decafalon* (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
>consuming only things that are good for you.
>
>13. *Glibido*: All talk and no action.
>
>14. *Dopeler effect*: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when
>they come at you rapidly.
>
>15. *Arachnoleptic fit* (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've
>accidentally walked through a spider web.
>
>16. *Beelzebug *(n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into
your
>bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
>
>
>17. *Caterpallor* (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm
in the
>fruit you're eating.
>
>And the pick of the literature:
>
>18. *Ignoranus*: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
>

Those are great Soda! :D

Poor Uncle Frank..............
 

The Phone Call


((((RING)))) (((RING)))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

Brief Pause...

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? ....Is this 555-7039??"

A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that
there was a fortune in horse-racing, decided to purchase one and enter
it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for a
horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured
that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the
races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the
local
paper carried this headline:

PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the
race
again,
and this time it won. The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
pastor
not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper
headline
read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid
of
the
donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The
local
paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid
of
the
donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day the
paper
read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey
and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the
headlines
read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

Beans and Elastic baby
 

Beans For Dinner...

Beans, beans, the musical fruit,
the more you eat,
the more you toot,
the more you toot,
the better you feel,
so let's have beans for EVERY meal!!!

http://d93.k12.id.us/~tech/smile.html

KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO

Alabama
Heck Yes, We Have Electricity.



Alaska
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!



Arizona
But It's A Dry Heat.

Arkansas
Literacy Ain't Everything.



California
By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.



Colorado
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.



Connecticut
Like Massachusetts,
Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet.



Delaware
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.



Florida
Ask Us About Our Grandkids.



Georgia
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.



Hawaii
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum,Leave Your Money)



Idaho
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good



Illinois
Please Don't Pronounce the "S"



Indiana
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free



Iowa
We Do Amazing Things With Corn



Kansas
First Of The Rectangle States



Kentucky
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names



Louisiana
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourism Campaign.



Maine
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster



Maryland
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It



Massachusetts
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
or Most Tax Brackets)



Michigan
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians



Minnesota
10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes



Mississippi
Come And Feel Better About Your Own State



Missouri
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work



Montana
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies,
and Very Little Else.



Nebraska
Ask About Our State Motto Contest



Nevada
Hookers and Poker!



New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone



New Jersey
You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto
Right here!



New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets



New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right
To An Attorney...



North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable



North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!



Ohio
At Least We're Not Michigan



Oklahoma
Like The Play, But No Singing



Oregon
Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner



Pennsylvania
Cook With Coal



Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY An Island



South Carolina
Remember The Civil War?
We Didn't Actually Surrender



South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota



Tennessee
The Edyoocashun State



Texas
Sí, Hablo Ingles



Utah
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus



Vermont
Yep



Virginia
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?



Washington
We have more rain than you do



Washington, D.C.
Wanna Be Mayor ?



West Virginia
One Big Happy Family...Really!



Wisconsin
Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming
Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared

New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets


I think i might be moving there! roflmao!

The $5,000 Loan


> > A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and
asks for the loan
> > officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for two
weeks and needs to
borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will
need some kind of
security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the
keys to a new
Rolls
Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the
bank, she has
the
title and everything checks out.

>The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for
the loan. The
>bank's
president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at
the Blonde for
using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000
loan. An
employee
of >the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the
bank's
underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks
later, the blonde
returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which
comes to $15.41.
The
loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have
had your business,
and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but
we are a little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and
found that you
are
a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you
bother to borrow
$5,000?"

>The blonde replies....."Where else in New York City
can I park my car

>for two
weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I
return?"

It was a beautiful, warm spring morning. A man and his wife
were
>>>>>>>>> > spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a
loose-fitting,
>>>>>>>>>pink
>>>>>>>>dress -
>>>>>>>>> > sleeveless with straps.. He was wearing his usual jeans and
>>>>>>>>> > T-shirt.
>>>>>>>>> > As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in
front of
>>>>>>>>> > a
>>>>>>>>> > large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla
went
>>>>>>>>> > crazy.
>>>>>>>>> > He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2
>>>>>>>>> > feet),
>>>>>>>>> > he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
>>>>>>>>> > He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink
dress.
>>>>>>>>> > The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was
funny. He
>>>>>>>>> > suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by
>>>>>>>>> > puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played
along and
>>>>>>>>> > the
>>>>>>>>> > gorilla got
>>>>>>>>> > even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
>>>>>>>>> >
>>>>>>>>> > Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps
fall
>>>>>>>>> > to
>>>>>>>>> > show a little more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about
to >
>>>>>>>>>tear the
>>>>>>>>> > bars down.
>>>>>>>>> >
>>>>>>>>> > "Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,"
he
>>>>>>>>>said.
>>>>>>>>> > This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started
doing >
>>>>>>>>>flips.
>>>>>>>>> >
>>>>>>>>> > Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to
the
>>>>>>>>> > cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage
door >
>>>>>>>>>shut.
>>>>>>>>> >
>>>>>>>>> > "Now, tell him you have a headache."
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>

Not Another Blonde Joke ...
 

A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

(ready?)











"No, from skipping."