A parent's prayer.


Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot

May I lie back--not have to think
about what they're stuffing down the sink,
or who they're with, or where they're at
and what they're doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!;)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean--
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)

Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know--

Is Hell exothermic or endothermic?
 

Got this from a friend and thought it was really cute. Hope you enjoy.

-----

Is Hell exothermic or endothermic?

This is as close to brilliant as you can get....

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at
which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls
in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

> > THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME
>
> According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and
female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop
their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to
mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give
birth in the spring.
>
> Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's
reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a
girl.
>
> We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a
red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

You Just Might Be A Scrooge...

If your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon -- you just might be a Scrooge.

If you turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away -- you just might be a Scrooge.

If you buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas -- you just might be a Scrooge.

If your favorite version of "Babes in Toyland" stars Michael Jackson -- you just might be a Scrooge.

If you get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night -- you just might be a Scrooge.

If you give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts -- you just might be a Scrooge.

If your prized Christmas ornament is Santa Claus shooting the moon -- you just might be a Scrooge.

If your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park -- you just might be a Scrooge.

If your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log -- you just might be a Scrooge.

If you think "Ho, Ho, Ho" is a line from a Rocky movie -- you just might be a Scrooge.

If your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and reindeer meat -- you just might be a Scrooge.

If your favorite version of "Silent Night" is sung by OJ Simpson -- you just might be a Scrooge.

If your favorite past time is putting defective bulbs in your neighbors' string of Christmas lights or defacing Christmas lawn charicatures with egg nog -- you just might be a Scrooge.

And, finally - if your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin -- you just might be a Scrooge.

rotting pumpkin? :confused:



LMFAO!!!!!

Leftover from Halloween.

The Dead Duck


A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

In The Bible



So It Is Written

A priest was lecturing on the Bible one Sunday morning. He said to
the congregation, "You know, the Bible has an answer for everything.
The reason for that is that the people in the Bible have all, at one
time or another, been in the same situations you have."

"Even PMS?" a woman asked.

"Yes, I assure you, PMS is in there. Tell you what, I'll look for it
and tell you the passage at Mass next week."

So everyone goes home and the priest is looking for the passage and
Sunday comes around... he gets in front of the congregation and
begins his Homily in Mass. "People, I have found the passage in the
Bible referring to PMS."

"Really, Father? Where?" the lady asked.

It's right here in this passage where it says "And Mary rode Joseph's
ass all the way to Bethlehem."

Lab Report....Cat Scan... :rofl:

OBITUARY

Common Sense Died 24/7/365 in America's Heart, USA

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common
Sense who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old
he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red
tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing
when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and
that life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are
in charge).

His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing
a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch;
and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his
condition.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer aspirin to a student; however they could not inform
the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.

Finally, Common sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments
became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received
better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize
that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and
was awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his
wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Subject: Good, Better, BEST!
>
>1) Good
>An Erie, PA policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but
>wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem. A twelve year old
>boy was
>standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP
>AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a
>Sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just
>sell
>lemonade!)
>
>2) Better
>A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
>Automated radar post in Pittsburgh, PA . A $40 speeding ticket was
>included.
>Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police
>Responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
>
>3) Absolute Best
>A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Pennsylvania State
>Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she
>said "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers
>Ball". He
>replied, "Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls".
>There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what
>he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and
>left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

Sometimes life is funnier than art.....

MEMPHIS, Tennessee (AP) -- Defense attorney Leslie Ballin called it
> the "jury pool from hell." The group of prospective jurors was
> summoned to listen to a case of Tennessee trailer park violence.
>
> Right after jury selection began last week, one man got up and left,
> announcing, "I'm on morphine and I'm higher than a kite."
>
> When the prosecutor asked if anyone had been convicted of a crime, a
> prospective juror said that he had been arrested and taken to a
mental
> hospital after he almost shot his nephew. He said he was provoked
> because his nephew just would not come out from under the bed.
>
> Another would-be juror said he had had alcohol problems and was
> arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover officer. "I should
have
> known something was up," he said. "She had all her teeth."
>
> Another prospect volunteered he probably should not be on the jury:
> "In my neighborhood, everyone knows that if you get Mr. Ballin (as
> your lawyer), you're probably guilty." He was not chosen.
>
> The case involved a woman accused of hitting her brother's girlfriend
> in the face with a brick. Ballin's client was found not guilty.
>

Greetings Earthling .....


I am a silicon based life form from a galaxy far, far
away, visiting your P.C.
I have transformed myself into this email.
As you are reading it, I am having sex with your
eyeballs.


Oh god that feels good!


I especially enjoy it when you scroll down on me.


That's it . ... . keep scrolling.


Don't stop!


Click it baby, click it!


Faster


Faster


more ooohh yeahh



harder


give it to me , just like I like it


Faster



That was amazing!



You are the best I've had yet.
And I know you enjoyed it too because you are smiling.
Do you know how I know that you're smiling?
'cos I can see you.

Now please pass me on to someone else because I'm
really horny

The owner of a gasoline station in Tattnall County, Georgia was trying
to
>increase his sales, so he put up a billboard showing "FREE SEX WITH
>FILL-UP!"
>Soon a local young man, Jim filled his tank, and then asked for his
free
>sex.
>The owner told him "pick a number froom 1 to 10; if you pick the right
>number, you will get your free sex." Jim picked the numner 8, and the
gas
>station owner said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex
this
>time."
>A week later Jim, along with his buddy Bill, pulled into the station.
Jim
>filled his gas tank, and again asked for his free sex. The station
owner
>gave him the same story again, and asked him to guess a
>number. This time, Jim guessed 2. The station owner said, "Sorry, the
>correct number was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
>As they were driving away from the gasoline station, Jim said to Bill,
"I
>think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex."
>Bill replied, "No it ain't rigged Jim. My wife won twice last week
>

Be carefull what you say.......
 

This guy want's to buy a harley. So he goes down to the local bike store and has a gander. He goes up to one bike and sees that it's a soft tail classic. He's hovering around it when the owner of the shop come out. You know, full beard, tatts, beer gut.
He says "hey can I help ya mate?"
"Yeah I want to get a bike."
"Well ok then, the one you were just looking at is a harley soft tail classic. Everything is chrome, forks, spokes,hanndle bars etc."
"how much?"
"Well it's $30,000"
"shit I don't have that much."
"Well what do you have then?"
"Well I got $20,000."
"Tell ya what, you look like an honest enough guy, come have a look at this one over here." So he takes him over to another bike that looks the same as the soft tail. "Ok this one is just like the soft tail but is all stainless steel. You know the forks, handle bars etc. It's $20,000."
"Ok I'll take it." So he fixes up the man and just as he leaves the owner says "Oh one more thing, as it is all stainless steel you'll have to put some vasaline on the spokes when it rains, so they don't rust."

So he rides it to his g/f place. They all come out to see the bike. Her mum makes a big dinner and they all sit down after. Dishes everywhere.
The old lady says
"Well that's it, I've had enough. I've been washing these dishes for the last 30 yrs and I'm not doing them anymore."
Well the old man says "well I haven't been doing them for the last 30 yrs and I'm not going to start now."
The g/f says "well if I start doing them now, I'll be doing them for the next 30 yrs, so I'm not going to start now."
The young bloke says "well I don' want to start any new habbits so I'm not doing them."

So the old man decides that the first to speak does the dishes.

The are all sitting around the table and half an hour goes by and the young man starts to feel horny, so he grabs his g/f, bends her over the table and goes for it. No one says a thing coz they don't want to do the dishes. So they finish up and sit down. About an hour goes by and again he feels horny so he grabs the old lady bends her over the table and goes for it, but nobody says anything coz they don't want to do the dishes. Well they finish up and sit down.

He hear's a rubble of lightning and thinks to himself "my bike" and pulls out a tub of vasaline from his pocket. The old man stands up and says "ok ok I'll do the dishes!!!!!!"