Last one for now
 

Fruity!!

Golf, anyone?
 

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

"I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.

"I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"

"I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she said.

"No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax. "

With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off the barstool.

"See," she said. "I knew you'd laugh!"

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."

When I get big, fat, and juicy...


There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked.

The cucumber "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad."

The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar."

The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!."

DM, all those jokes of yours were terrific! LMAO!

DM, very cute.;)

Some day, ALL cars will be built this way!!
 

A lady is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts. Making sure she goes through his line she leans over and asks if he'll carry her groceries out to which he responds, "Sure lady."

They no sooner get out of the store and she again leans over and whispers, "You know, I have an Itchy Pussy."
He responds, "You'll have to point it out to me lady, all those Japanese cars look alike."

Age is NO barrier!
 

An elderly man walked into a confessional booth. The following conversation ensued:
Man: "I am 82 years old, and have a wonderful wife of 60 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. For some reason, they thought I was kind of interesting. One thing led to another, and we ended up at a motel, where I had sex with each of them twice."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody."

Ethics? What ethics?
 

A woman is in her doctor's office, and suddenly shouts out "Doctor, kiss me!"
The Doctor looks at her and says, "It's against the code of ethics to kiss you."
About 20 minutes later the woman again shouts out "Doctor, please, kiss me just once!"
Again he refuses, apologetically, and says "As a doctor I simply cannot kiss you."
Finally, another 15 minutes pass, and the woman pleads with her doctor; "Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me just once!"
"Look" he says, "I am sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be screwing you right now."

*shoots water out my nose~ lmao

A life-long workshy bum walks into an employment agency and marched straight up to the counter,
"I want a job!" he said.

The man behind the counter replied,
"You're timing is amazing. We just heard from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his 22-year-old nympho daughter. The salary is $200,000 a year!"

The bum cried,
"You're BULLSHITTING me!",
to which the man behind the counter shouted back,
"Well YOU fucking started it!!!"

Soup?
 

Picture the scene; a retirement home for elderly gentlemen. One of the old boys has been surprised by one of his friends with a gorgeous stripper for his birthday. So all the old men go into the home's big main room to wait for the lady.
She walks into the room, pulls open her long raincoat revealing her amazingly fit, totally naked body and shous out
"SUPERCUNT!!"

At the back of the room, one of the old boys turns to another and asks,
"What did she say?"
The second old guy replies,
"I THINK she said 'supercunt'".
The first man nods his head in contemplation......
"Oh, OK then....tell her I'll just have the soup!"








(sorry! ;))

One for Irish?
 

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large biker who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The biker smiled and said: "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I figured we were friends."

Last one for now (hooray, they cry!!)
 

There is a story about a popular young rabbi, who on Sabbath eve announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.
Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a mini van, to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs, and applauds.
Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor stands and says, "If the rabbi stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!"
More sighs and applause.
Mrs. Goldfarb, aged 70, stands and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll give him SEX!!"
There is a hush. The rabbi, blushing, asks, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Mrs. Goldfarb answers, "I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw the rabbi."

Good ones, DM!

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. She is standing in
front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You
know, love," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman.
My face is all wrinkled, I've got fat legs and my arms are all
flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something
positive to make me feel better about myself."

He thinks about it a bit and then says, "Well, there's nothing wrong
with your eyesight."

There was this lab rabbit that escaped from the lab and met up with some wild rabbits, which he had never seen before. He asked the wild rabbits what they did all day. The rabbits said that they went over to the field and ate as much lettuce as they wanted.
The lab rabbit went to the field and ate a whole bunch of lettuce, then went back to the others.
He asked them what else they did.
They told him that they went to another field and ate as many carrots as they could.
The lab rabbit went to the other field and ate as many carrots as he could. He enjoyed the food very much, as he never had any at the lab.
When he got back to the rabbits, he surprised them by announcing that though he enjoyed nature's bounty, he would be returning to the lab.
Surprised at this, the wild rabbits said to him, "you just escaped from the lab, don't you want to stay here with us?"
The lab rabbit replied, "I sure like it outside the lab, but after such a satisfying meal, I need a cigarette like you wouldn't believe!"

Isn't education wonderful?
 

A kid went off to college and ran out of cash fast. Not wanting to directly ask her father for money she wrote him the following letter:

Dear Dad,$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,Your Daughter


Dad's reply:Dear Daughter, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,Dad

I'd KILL for a nice boyfriend......
 

Esther and Sally, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.
Esther says," Sally, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely."
Sally agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely."
"Of course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison."
"You're kidding! What for?"
"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."
"What happened to your second wife?"
"I shot her."
"And, if I may ask, your first wife?"
"We had a fight and she fell off a building."
"Oh my," says Sally. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Esther, he's single."

Awww!
 

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something!
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl).
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter."

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.” “No, no,” the penguin replies, “It’s just ice cream.”

“Doc, you’ve gotta help me! My wife just isn’t interested in sex anymore. Haven’t you got a pill or something I can give her?” “Look, I can’t prescribe...” “Doc, we’ve been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can’t think; I can’t concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You’ve got to help me.” The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. “Ordinarily, I wouldn’t do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they’re VERY powerful. Don’t give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE.” “I don’t know, doc, she’s awfully cold...” “One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?””Um... okay.” The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife’s coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then inspiration strikes—he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near-whisper and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, “I...need... a man...” His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, “Me... too...”

The Mighty Sperm
One day there was this sperm, and he decided that he was going to be the strongest sperm in the body. For he knew that only one sperm could get inside the egg of a women, and he was determined to be that sperm.
So as the days and weeks went by the little sperm worked out. He did pushups, situps, crunches, and weights. All the other little sperm laughed and played while he worked to develope his strength.
Soon the weeks passed into years, but the little sperm stayed the course, until that magic day. That day came and all the little sperm inside started rushing out except the one little sperm that had worked out. He was pushing the other way yelling, " Go Back, Go Back, its just a blow job!"

Here’s another one
A young couple, just married, was in their honeymoon suite on their
wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a
big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't
wear your pants," she said.
"That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the
man and I wear the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried
them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Heck," he said, "I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right, and that's the way it’s going to be until
your attitude changes!"
And who ever said the man is in control

Navarre,

Hey! I resent that!

A few cartoons for ya.....
 

Losing weight...the FUN way!

Some people are just SO unlucky!!

Where'd it go?
 

Hmm.....

God LOVES a trier!!

Never hear of smudge-free?

"I ca.'t tal' ho'hully..."

Last one for now
 

I always thought of puppies as something WOMEN have.. ho hum!

Brrr!!!
 

2 polarbears are walking around in the arctic. a father and son pair. The son looks at the father and says,
" Dad, I got a question, are you sure I am 100% polarbear?".
The father looks at his son and says,
"Yes son you're 100% polar bear"
"OK" the son says.

They keep walking and about 20 minutes later the son again says:
"Are you sure I am 100% polarbear?"

The father again says,
"Yes son, you're 100% polar bear"
"OK" the son says.

Then about 30 minutes later, the son says,
"OK dad, be serious; are you sure I am 100% polarbear? Are You sure there is no blackbear or grizzly bear in me??"

"Yes son your 100% polarbear, I am 100% polarbear and so is your mother. Why do you keep asking son?"

The son says,
"Well I dont know about you, but I am fuckin' freezing!"

From the Oldies But Goodies Department:

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path.

4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice Too Long? Polaroids.

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.

19. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

20. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer and a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes: Whack, "Damn!" A Bad Skydiver Goes: "Damn!" Whack.

Who said mules were dumb?
 

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win"
sticker on her coffee cup. So she's peels it off and starts screaming,
"I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free
lunch."

But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a
motor home!"

Finally the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but
you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"

The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!" She
hands the ticket to the manager and he reads...
> (You're gonna love this) !
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "W I N A B A G E L"

Nobody Believes Old People.... Everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their sixtieth wedding anniversary.

They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had
carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car
practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't know
what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money,
and it's fifty-thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've got
to give it back."

She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood
looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me,
but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car
yesterday?"

She says, "No." The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the
attic."

She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." But the agents sit
the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story
from the beginning."

The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from
school yesterday..."

The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "We're outta here

Magical Frog

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes. The woman freed the frog and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-thatwhatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!'

The woman said, 'That would be okay,' and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to.'The woman replied, 'That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me.' So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you.' The woman said, 'That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine.' So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'









Moral of the story:

Women are clever. Don't mess with us!!!:D

Plaid Dildo
 

A guy got his first job and it happened to be in a sexual aid
shop. One night his boss had to leave for an hour. A short
while later a white lady walked in, and after looking around
asked him, "How much for the black dildo?"

"For you," he replied, "$19.99."

"Great," she said, paid and left.

A short while later a black lady walked in and after looking
around said, "How much for the white dildo?"

"For you," he replied, "$29.99."

"Great," she said, paid and left.

Again, a while later a Polish lady walked in and after looking
around asked, "How much for the 'plaid' dildo?"

"Plaid dildo?" he asked.

"Yes," she responded, "the one at the back of the store there."

"Oh, the PLAID dildo... for you, $39.99"

She happily paid and left.

His boss returned and asked how it went. He replied, "Well, I
sold a white lady a black dildo for $19.99, a black lady a
white dildo for $29.99, and I sold a Polish lady your thermos for
$39.99."

Who's the Best Man now?
 

A young couple got married and in their family it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song.
Well, this happened but then they danced for the second song too.
And a third.
By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.
A riot broke out and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail. In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened.
"Your Honour, we were just dancing and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs."
"That must have hurt," said the Judge.
"No kidding," said the best man. "He broke three of my fingers!"

Like I said..... who?
 

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the husband's best friend was dead on their porch.