I guess he should have listened



Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex
anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?
Look, I can't prescribe...Doc, we've been friends for years. Have
you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't
concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me.


The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills.
Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so
far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than
ONE, understand? Just ONE. I don't know, doc, she's awfully
cold...One. No more. In her coffee. Okay? Um... okay.

The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has
dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to
bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops
one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then
drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say
they were powerful. Then inspiration strikes he drops one pill into his
own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their
dessert and coffee.

Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a
little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In
a near-whisper and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before,
she says, I...need... a man...

His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, Me... too...

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating smarties (a type of small candy).
He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her a smartie fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the smartie out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the smartie flew out.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful! Isn't he clever? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"
The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers,... our son-in-law!"

Hmmmmmm.....
 

I got this e-mail today.....
Anyone know if it would work.......?



Finally, a worthy pyramid scheme - simply send this e-mail to 9 of your mates.
INSTRUCTIONS
Anaesthetise your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton, (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post.
Statistically, among those women, there will be at least: 0.5 Miss Worlds, 2.5 models, 463 wild nymphos, 3,234 good-looking nymphos, 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms, and 40,198 bi-sexual women. In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER
One bloke, for example, who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face. On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter).

While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.

YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL
This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest women) just so that you can bonk her. No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement. Do not hesitate ... send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.

PS. - Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner. PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.

The Lone Ranger was one of my childhood heros


The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Buffalo Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that
evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse . . . alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "READ MY LIPS. I said, BRING POSSE!"

Two brothers, one six and the other one five, get up one morning and the younger asks, "What are we gonna do today?"

"We are gonna learn some swear words today," his brother replies.
"Swearing is very important to learn, so we gotta start today."

So they go out into the world and learn and explore. The next morning, the younger one asks, "Did you learn any words yesterday?"

I got two - 'Hell" and 'ass'. We are each gonna take one and use it today, and I choose 'Hell'."

"But I wanted 'Hell'."

"Tough. I'm oldest; I found 'em; and I get first choice."

So they go down for breakfast, and Mom asks, "What do you guys want for breakfast?"

"Aw, hell, gimme some Cheerios," replies the oldest.

At this, Mom goes ballistic. She swats the kid, screams at him, and promises him the beating of his young life when Dad gets home that night. Then she turns to her youngest son and in a voice of pure ice asks, "And what do YOU want for breakfast?"

The kid, shaking like a leaf and white as paper, replies, "I dunno, but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

ROTFLMAO, Jseal. That's funny. I love it. :)

Biologist studying little green frogs became alarmed at the decline in their numbers. He concluded that the cause was due to the fact that the frogs didn't appear able to stay coupled together long enough during sex to reproduce successfully,.

He relayed this information to a chemist friend who came up with a solution in the form of a special adhesive which included one part sodium.

As numbers rose once more, it became evident that ............

Do you really want me to give you the answer? OK, just scroll down.

Don't say I didn't warn you.















the little green frogs needed monosodium glue to mate.

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found
a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the son about
using one of the pills, and the son said, "I don't think you should take
one; they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd
like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I
break this $50.00 bill." The next morning the son found $110.00 under
his pillow. He said to Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not
$110.00." "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were sitting in back of their trailers
shooting the breeze.

Bubba says to Billy Bob, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while
you wuz out fishin an' made love to your wife, an' she got pregnant,
an' she had my baby would dat make us kin?"

Billy Bob scratched his head for a bit then said, "I don't think
so......but it shore would make us even!"

The Miracle of Toilet Paper
 

While it's told by a lady, you'll understand why it's the men that die ...

----

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion:

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and I stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I ask.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of physical therapy, may even walk again.

Stupid, stupid man

Where Have You Been?
 

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their mates...

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women!" she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve

Oops!
 

Always wear clean underwear in public...especially when working under your vehicle. From newspaper reports comes this story of a couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people staring at the car.

On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although he was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into quite public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, needed three stitches in his forehead.

Oh To Be 6 Again
 

OH TO BE 6 AGAIN

A man asked his wife what she'd like for Mother's Day. "I'd love to be six again," was her reply.

On the morning of Mother's Day, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like to be six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you d--- a --!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong

Mafia
 

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed. Grandson, I wanna you lissina to me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

Buta grandpa, I really don't like guns. Howa about you leava me your Rolex watch instead."

"You lissina to me. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.

"Whatta you gonna do then......pointa to your watch and say, Times Up?"

Blonde Joke 397,392,422,973,162,098
 

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench one evening, looking at the moon and talking.

One blonde says to the other, "What do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon"?

The other blonde turns and says, "Helloooooooooooooooooooo, can you see Florida from here?"...