I wonder how many of the members here got this........



After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing
on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings.

"Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked.

"I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a
sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it - a regular
Sodom and Gomorrah. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex.
According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Even four out of
five dentists recommend it. I'm afraid it has reached epidemic proportions."

"Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "Do you have any recommendations as to what
should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?"

"I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral
sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen
to them on judgment day if they do not stop this type of activity," replied
St. Peter.

"That is an effective solution," God stated, "but I think that instead of
punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who refrain
from it. Let's send a letter that's personally signed by me to each one of
these good people, congratulating them on their high morals and good
standards."

And so it came to pass.

Do you know what the letter said?
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No?

Hmmm... so you didn't get the letter either?

A couple with their young son decided to spend a day at a nude beach. After an hour in the sun, the father went for a walk while the son played in the water. After a while the boy came up to his mother and said, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mother said, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So the boy went back to play. Minutes later the boy returned and said, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's." The mother said the same thing: "The bigger they are, the dumber they are... " so the boy went back to play. Several minutes later the boy ran back to his mother and said, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more he talked, the dumber he got..."

Three old ladies Maggie, Joan and Tilly were sitting on a park bench when a man strolled up whipped open his coat and flashed them . Maggie had a stroke!Joan aslo had a stroke! Poor Tilly being old and feeble just couldn"t reach that far.

The Telephone
 

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. .

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile old lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

:eek:

Men and Women
 

Another emai ... another joke ...

Men and Women

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed dept. store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier".

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

LMAO :D Too funny DB....................... and too true. :)

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

The South in Summer
 

Got this from a friend ... hope you enjoy ...

A SOUTHERN BLESSING

Note: If you don't or never have lived in the hot, humid South, you may not Understand the weight of this blessing!

Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry.
Please keep it cool in mid-July.
Bless the walls where termites dine,
While ants and roaches march in time.
Bless our yard where spiders pass
Fire ant castles in the grass.
Bless the garage, a home to please
Carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas.
Bless the love bugs, two by two,
The gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you.
Millions of creatures that fly or crawl,
in the South, Lord, you've put them all!!
But this is home, and here we'll stay,
So thank you Lord, for insect spray.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN THE SOUTH IN JULY WHEN. . . .

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs!.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.

Ah, what a place to call home. . . God Bless

Feeling stressed?
 

The photo below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress level at St. Mary's Hospital.

Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study of a group revealed that in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins.

If there are many differences found between both dolphins, it means that the person is experiencing a great amount of stress. Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation.

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

After almost a year in Canada, a businessman from Venezuela returned
home to Caracas.
A friend asked him, "What is summer like in Canada?"
"Damned if I know!" the businessman replied. "I was only there for
eleven months."

One night, a torrential rain soaked northwestern Minnesota. The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there.

Mrs. Johnson was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Lena, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Johnson noticed a baseball cap, floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back towards the house.

Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Lena, "Do you see that baseball cap a floatin' away from the house, then back again?"

Lena said, "Oh yeah, that’s my husband Ole. I told that lazybutt he was gonna cut the grass today, come hell or high water.

Frog Loan
 

This is an old one, and maybe you've heard it, but, then again, maybe you'll enjoy anyway ... :D

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the young lady at the loan desk. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $90,000 loan so I can take a holiday round the world." Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says "My name is "Kermit Jagger. My dad is is Mick Jagger, and the manager knows him."

Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Pattie explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims you know his dad his and he wants to borrow $90,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The manager replies" It¹s a knicknack Pattie Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man¹s a Rolling Stone."

After working together for some time Dick and Jane's office romance blossomed, and they really developed the 'hots' for each other.

One day, they seize the opportunity to sneak into a supply closet to consummate their lust.

Dick finds Jane very difficult to 'enter', but finally succeeds.

When they are finished, Dick says to Jane, "If I had known that you were a Virgin, I would've taken more time!"

To which Jane replies,"If I'd known that you had more time, I would have taken off my Pantyhose!".

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was
staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer
of the church. It was covered with names, and small
American flags were mounted on either side of it. The
seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some
time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little
boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex." "Good
morning, Pastor," replied the young man, still focused
on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?" "Well, son,
it's a memorial to all the young men and women who
died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large
plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible,
trembling with fear, when he asked, "Which service,
the 9:45 or the 11:15?"