whats the difference between a woman and a computer?

answer:A computer doesn`t complain when it gets a 3 and a half inch floppy....

Little Martin is four years old. One day while he was pestering his mother, she said, "Why don't you go across the street and watch the builders work, maybe you will learn something."
Martin was gone about two hours. When he came home, his mother asked him what he had learned. Martin replied - "Well first you put the damn door up. Then the son of a bitch doesn't fit so you have to take the cock sucker down. Then you have to shave a red cunt hair off each side and put the mother fucker back up."
Martin's mother said, "Wait until your father gets home."
When Martin's father got home, Martin's mum told him to ask Martin what he had learnt today. When Martin told him the whole story, dad said, "Martin, go outside and get me a switch." Martin replied, "Get fucked. That's the electrician's job."

LOL Too damn funny!!!

Little Johnny was approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," Johnny protested.
"Sure they do," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do.
After a little while, a student, by the name of Little Johnny, was having some difficulty with the work and was heard to exclaim loudly, "Damn!".
The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school."
Johnny looked up at the teacher, his eyes got very big and wide and he said, "Not even when it's all fucked up?!"

OMG that will be my class :p

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to
the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut. The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."

"I know," she replies, "I'm gonna get tits too"

Sean Connery gets a call from his agent one day.
The agent goes "Sean, I've got you a job, starts tomorrow, early. You'll
have to be there for 10-ish".
Sean furrows his brow and says "Tennish?... but I don't even have a
racket."

A lady is at the doctor's office and the doctor tells her
"everything seems to be checking out... what seems to be the problem?"
"well you see doc, a few days ago when I went to the bathroom, I got up, looked in the bowl and it was full of pennies... day after that I looked and it was full of nickles.. and then yesterday it was full of quarters. I just cant seem to figure out whats wrong with me."
doctor says "I wouldnt worry about it... You're just going through the change."

This sounds a wicked idea who is brave enough though.

I dare anyone to try it!!


I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men & women differ so
much.
And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their
heart.

I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a
state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the
passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like
it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to
hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough
for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."


She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me
for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
big unnamed dept. store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy
them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get
a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery dept. where she
picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so
excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis
bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw
her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is
all dear, let's go to the cashier".


I could hardly contain myself when.......................


I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for
awhile..

You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for
me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added,
"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you?"


Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

englishrose,

No possible way would I try that!


But if someone ELSE wants to, I'd be willing to chip in for the legal costs.

I'd pay to see it! lol

A guy went hunting in the mountains and shot a little black bear.

he felt a tap on the shoulder and there was a big black bear behind him.

We can settle this in two ways said the big black bear, either I maul you to death or you have sex with me.

The hunter dropped his pants and bent over.

Some weeks later he dedided that it wasn't good enough, got his rifle and headed out to the mountain where he shot the big black bear.

he felt a tap on the shoulder and there was a huge brown bear behind him.

We can settle this in two ways said the huge brown bear, either I savage you to death or you have sex with me.

The hunter dropped his pants and bent over

Some weeks later he dedided that he was not going to be dominated, got his rifle and headed out to the mountain where he shot the huge brown bear.

he felt a tap on the shoulder and there was an enormous grizzly bear behind him.

The grizzly bear looked at him and said. you don't come here for the hunting do you?

Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to
you. We have some rednecks up here who are
causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly
gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over
their robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots,
and they're wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats
instead of their halos.

They refuse to keep the stairway to heaven clean.
There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over
the place. Some of them are walking around with just
one wing."

The Lord said, " rednecks are rednecks
Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my children. If you
want to know about real problems, call the Devil."

The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Damn, hold on a
minute."

The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What
can I do for you?"

Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kind of
problems you're having down there."

The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on
something."

After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone
and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?"

Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having
down there?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold
on."

This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil
returned and said , "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk
right now. Those d@mn rednecks have put out the
fire and are trying to install air conditioning."

I'm not even stupid enough to use some of these lines


Things never to say when arguing with a woman

Don't you have some laundry to do, or something?
Ooh, you are so cute when you get all upset.
Wait a minute, I get it... What time of the month is it?
You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?
Sorry, I was just picturing you naked.
Whoa, time out honey, the ballgame is back on.
Looks like someone had an extra bowl of Bitch Flakes this
morning.
I could so use some oral sexual stimulation right now.
Hey baby-if I want a lecture about commitment, I can get one
from my real wife.
Who are you kidding? We both know that thing isn't loaded.