I had a manager like that ^^^^^. :)

Business Lesson 4
 

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

At the third household house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, led him through the door, and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most amazing sex he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, ‘Fuck him, give him a dollar.’ The breakfast was my idea."



and another:

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.


The response:

Dear Penis;

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You must be stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the
shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed,
lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up
over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large
plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the
cab. The driver then said, "Please don't ever do that
again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized
and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder
could frighten him so much, to which the driver
replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at
all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been
driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

LOL SS. That's funny!

How do you get a Unitarian family to leave town?

Burn a question mark on their front lawn.

Two boys in Boston were playing basketball when one of them was
attacked by a rabid Rottweiler.

Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off a nearby fence,
wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's
neck.

A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident
and rushed over to interview the boy.

The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the
headline:

"Brave Young Celtics Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious
Animal."

"But I'm not a Celtics fan," the little hero interjected.

"Sorry," replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, Mass, I
just assumed you were."

Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again, "John Kerry Fan
Rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack."

"But I'm not a Kerry fan either," the boy responds.

The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either
for the Celtics or Kerry or Kennedy. What team or person do you support?"

"I'm a Houston Rockets fan and I really like George W. Bush" the
boy says.

Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again:

"Arrogant Little Conservative Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

peck,

Excellent! Thank you. I'll pass it along.




Why can't Episcopalians play chess well?


…they can't tell the difference between a Bishop and a Queen.

The Hypnotist
It was opening night at the Theatre and The Amazing Claude was topping
the bill.
People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced,
"Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto
the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every
member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude drew out a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch! .
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six
generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...".

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,
light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it
slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor,breaking
into a hundred pieces.


"Shit" said the hypnotist.



It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind
him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just
give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and
what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell
of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the
drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for
the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good
measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He
deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:


1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get better!

George W. Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your
Majesty, how do you run such an efficient Government? Are there any tips
you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround
yourself with intelligent people."
Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really
intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to
answer an intelligence riddle."
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in
here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father
have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is
it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with vice president Dick
Cheney. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a
child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on
that one."
Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give
him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes
Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.
Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father
have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"
Cheney goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Bush. "Say, I did
some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."
Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his
face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

My oh my and your funny too!

OMG that was precious!!!!

Marty wakes up with a huge hangover

He looks around the room and the first thing he sees is a glass of water and an aspirin on the night stand

He sits down and sees his clothes all clean and ready for him

He looks around the room and sees that it is spotless

As he walks to the kitchen he sees the rest of the house is in order and also spotless

He notices a note left by his wife "Honey breakfast is on the table, I've gone out shopping. Love you!"

Sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the newspaper waiting for him on the kitchen table. His son is also at the table eating.

Marty asks, "Son what happened last night?"

His son says "Well dad you came home after 3 drunk. Your puked in the hall, broke our furniture, and were falling all over."

Marty replies, "Well then why is the house so clean and breakfast on the table?"

His son says "Oh that, well mom dragged you to your room and took off your pants. And when she was pulling them off you were fighting her and you said,".....

"Leave me alone woman! I'm married!"




A self induced hangover $100

Broken furniture $200

Breakfast $10

Saying the right thing Priceless!!

Religous
 

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..."HEBREWS".