3390

A man asks his pharmacist for half of a Viagra pill. The doctor says that half a pill won't do any good, he needs two or three pills.
The man explains, ''No, you see the reason I only want half a pill is because I'm tired of peeing on my shoes.''

3391

A man was fishing and he caught a crocodile. The crocodile told him, "Please let me go. I'll grant you any wish you desire." The man said, "Okay. I wish my balls could touch the ground."
So the crocodile bit his legs off.

3392

As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Going into the ladies room with your mom.

In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers-when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.

Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and the sorrows, the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"

What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.

What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.

Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

a. Present it to the President of the United States.
b. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.

When is it okay to kiss another male?

a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

What about hugging another male?

a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver.
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a homerun to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:

i. He is legally within the base path,
ii. Both of you are wearing sufficient protection, and
iii. You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.

When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody-and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife-is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

3393

Maria gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A few weeks later, she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward.
"At least they're finally together."

"Excuse me, Father," says one of her sons, "but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

"I mean her legs."

3394

It's the year 2389, and martian and earth couples are living peacably side by side. One day, an earth couple and a martian couple are having lunch and the subject of sex comes up. Because the earth couple has so many questions, the couples decide to swap partners for a week. A little later, the martian man and the earthwoman are alone in a bedroom, getting undressed. When the martian is naked, the woman is surprised that his penis is only 1/2 inch long and a 1/2 inch wide.
"Hold on," says the martian, who slaps his face, which makes his penis grow longer with each snap. "Oops, it's not wide enough yet." He pulls his ears, and with each tug, his penis grows wider. "All set!" he says, and the martian and the woman have incredible, mind-blowing sex. Later, the woman meets up with her husband, and asks him how it was.

"Well, it was fine. But I have a headache now because she kept pulling my ears and slapping my face."

3395

Mary Had A Little Lamb

Mary had a little sheep
With this sheep
She went to sleep
The sheep turned out to be a ram
And Mary had a little lamb.

3396

He's teaching her arithmetic, he said it was his mission.
He kissed her once, he kissed her twice and said, ''Now that's addition.''
And as he added smack by smack, in silent satisfication, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, ''Now that's subtraction.''
Then he kissed her, she kissed him without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, ''That's multiplication.''
Then Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that kid three blocks away and said, ''That's long division!''

3397
How do you know a mechanic just got lucky?


One of his fingers is clean.

3398

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and the friend of a lonely Scotsman?
Mick Jagger says "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!" And the friend of a lonely Scotsman says "Hey, McLeod, get off my ewe!"

3399

What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?









"Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"

3400

Two midgets on a bender in Vegas hire two hookers and take 'em out for a night on the town. After cocktails and gambling, they all head back to their hotel room at the MGM Grand.
However, the night doesn't quite turn out as planned. Since he's had too much to drink, one of the midgets can't get it up at all, and, to make matters worse, he has to listen to the other one say "1, 2, 3, huh," over and over again, all night. The next morning, the first midget is complaining.

"Man, did that suck. I was soft all night."

"You think that's bad," said the other midget. "I couldn't even get onto the bed."

can't get to the bottom of the posts

still trying to get to the bottom of it all . ..

4403

we represent the lollipop guild

3404 - who's been naughty ? LMAO we'll have no adding 1000posts to your number cheats !!! ;)