3375

A couple decides to get married, despite the fact that the woman doesn't know how to cook at all. After all, he says, they can live on love. After the honeymoon is over, the man goes back to work. One day, he calls from work and asks if his new wife could make some dinner. Knowing full well that she doesn't cook, she asks if they can make love instead. The man agrees, and soon arrives home to find his wife sliding repeatedly down the bannister.
"What are you doing?" he asks, concerned.

"Oh, silly," she says. "I'm warming up your dinner!"

EEEEWWWWWW.....

:bite:

3376

3377

Two guys are at the doctor's office, each has got a problem with his "jimmy." One guy gets called in to see the doctor and comes back out five minutes later. the guy in the waiting room says, "Well, what'd he say?" The first guy tells him that the doctor said to just take a shower and the ring around his unit will come right off.
So the next guy goes in thinking, "Great -- just take a shower." But instead the doctor tells him that they are going to have to operate. "Why?" he asks, "The other guy just had to take a shower." The doctor says, "Well, there's a big difference between lipstick and gangrene."

3378

Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom's room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed naked moaning and touching herself saying, "Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!"
The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her. So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while moaning, "Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

3379

Why do men walk so fast? They've got three legs!


Why do women talk so much? They've got two mouths!

3380

A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex. The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests. The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, "I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."
The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"

"Well," the girl explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my virginity."

Astounded, the guy replies, "So you really love me?"

"Oh God no!" the girl says. "I just got sick of waiting."

3381

There guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says he needs to lose 20 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs, where he finds a beautiful naked woman with a sign that says "If you catch me, you can screw me." An hour later, he emerges, sated and 20 lbs. lighter.
A month later, he returns and needs to lose 50 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs again, but this time there are two girls with the same sign. A day later, he comes out 50 lbs. lighter.

A year later, he returns and needs to lose 100 lbs. He gets sent upstairs again, where he finds a huge gorilla with a sign that reads "If I catch you, I screw you."

3382
 

no fair... I already posted that way back at 1456 :)

3383

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous blonde eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of its socket towards the man. With lightning quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.
''Oh my gosh, I am so sorry,'' she said as she popped her eye back in the socket. ''Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.''

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink. They went back to her house, and after some time, she took him into her bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many times during the night. The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.

The guy was amazed and said ''You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?''

''No, she replied.....You just happened to catch my eye!''

3384

A little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his father walked in.
"Son! If you masturbate too much, you're gonna go blind!"

"Dad," the boy said, "I'm over here."

3385

decided to take a day off from work and go golfing. I was on the fourth hole, when I discovered a small frog sitting on the green. I paid it no attention until I heard, ''Ribbit. Nine iron.''
That's curious, I thought, but decided to trust the frog. I pulled out a nine iron, and sunk a hole-in-one. Amazing! So I picked up the frog and headed to the fifth hole. I asked the frog what club to used and it said, ''Ribbit. Three wood.'' I used that club and sunk another hole-in-one! I continued an amazing round of golf. At the end, I asked the frog where we should go next. ''Ribbit. Vegas.''

So we went to Vegas, and I asked the frog what we should do first. ''Ribbit. Roulette.''

So we went up to the roulette table, and I asked the frog how much I should wager. ''Ribbit. Three thousand dollars.''

It was a lot of money, but I ponied up anyway. Needless to say, I won big! I took my earnings and got the best room in the hotel. Once we were up there, I asked the frog if there was anything I could do to repay it. ''Ribbit. Kiss me.''

I figured, what the hell, it's just a frog. So I kissed the frog, and it turned into a 15-year old girl. That's how she ended up in my room, and if I'm lying, my name's not William Jefferson Clinton.

3386

A Canadian was in France, out of his wallet he removed a stick of gum he had from the airport in Canada, and started to chew it. He walked into a French coffee shop and sat himself beside an English speaking French man.
Frenchman: In Canada, what do you do with your used tires?
Canadian: We send em to France to get turned into paper plates.
French man: What do you do with your used plastic bags?
Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) We send em to France to get turned into a gold ring. Hey, what do you do with your used comdoms?
French man: we send em to Canada to get turned into bubble gum.

3387

A man walks into a bar next to an extremely hot girl and immediately looks at his watch.
She says, ''Is your date late or something''
He says, ''No I just got this magic watch''.
"What does your watch do that is so amazing?" asked the lady.
"It tells me what is happening."
"What does it say now asked the lady."
"It says you're not wearing panties."
"Well your watch is wrong, I do have panties on."
"Sorry, my watch is one hour fast."

3388

What does a guy say when he's going to masturbate?




"I'm gonna to go hit the sack!"

3389

Two Italian virgins get married and go on their honeymoon. However, they have no idea what they're supposed to do once they get to their hotel room.

The newlyweds decide to call the groom's mother and get some advice on what to do. The mother says that they should sit on the bed together and snuggle with each other and things should start to happen from there. The newlyweds start to do this but nothing else happens.


The groom calls his mother back to find out what to do next. She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers in bed and nature should takes its course. The bride and groom take his mother's advice but still nothing.

He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the situation she says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest thing!" and hangs up on him.

A few minutes later, he reluctantly calls his mother back, "Well, I have my nose in her armpit. What do I do next?