3285

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come inpacks of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, ''I''ve been seeing this girl for a while and she''s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight''s ''the'' night. We''re having dinner with her parents, and then we''re going out. And I''ve got a feeling I''m gonna get lucky after that. Once she''s had me, she''ll want me all the time, so you''d better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying with his head down for several minutes after everyone starts eating.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

3286

What do you call a person who can sit on an ice cream and tell the flavor?

















A smartass!

3287

If Dear Abby Were Dear Albert

Q: My fiancee still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.
A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior -- and it should be encouraged. Man is a hunter and needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband wants to experience a threesome with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great-tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious, helps you keep your figure, and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love -- we have no time to talk.
A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his love-making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.
A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should -- he has to work too hard to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present...and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

3288

"If you could cook," said the husband, "we could fire the chef."



"If you could screw," replied the wife, "we could fire the driver."

3289

Impotence is nature's way of saying no hard feelings.

3290

An older woman can wear any hat she chooses and nobody will laugh. A younger woman wearing the same hat will always look like a lampshade in a brothel. An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night to ask you, 'What are you thinking?' An older woman doesn't care what you think. An older woman always carries a purse full of emergency supplies. Young women go hungry and bleed to death every time there's a natural disaster. An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him. An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of a herbal tea. An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens. Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes. An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always already attached to someone, so there's no need to develop a phobia about committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent lover! Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an XXXXXXX if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her. An older woman puts herself on a pedestal. If you act immature enough and hang around long enough, an older woman will just mistake you for another one of her children and let you live at her house rent-free. Older women can afford to support you. An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last to know... Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey. An older woman will never accuse you of 'using her.' She's using you. Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call... Older woman know how to cook. Young women know how to dial 967-1111. An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas... Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know. Older woman often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease. An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal. Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly burp later. Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park. Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12 beers, a boy just can't get it up. A younger woman may need some time to grasp this fact. An older woman has lots of girlfriends... and most of them will want to boff you too. An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride. An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.

3291

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

3292

What has three balls and comes from outer space?














E.T., the Extra-Testicle!

3293

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, ''Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention ... the assembly line for the automobile changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want.'' Ford thinks to himself about it, and says, ''I want to hang out with God Himself.''

The befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, ''When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?'' God asks, ''What do you mean?'' ''Well,'' says Ford, ''You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much front end protusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly need repainting, and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. fuel consumption is outrageous.

...just to name a few.'' ''Hmmm ...,'' replies God, ''Hold on a minute.'' God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, ''It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

3294

3 Irish monks have passed all tests, except for one. It is the test of purity. So the other monks tie bells to their dicks and put them in a room with a naked chick. She dances in front of the first one, and, sure enough, he goes 'ding-ding!'
"Go take a cold shower, now!" she commands, and he goes to take a shower. So she dances in front of the next one, and, after a couple of minutes, he goes 'ding-ding!'
"Go take a cold shower with your brother!" she yells, and he leaves. Now she goes to the last one, dancing in front of him. He doesnt ring. The woman nods.
"Good, you've passed. Go take a shower with your brothers."
"Ding-ding!"

3295

What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?














A Dry Martinez!

3296

Why can't Chinese couples have white babies?










Because two Wongs don't make a white!

3297

Three men want to marry the king's most beautiful daughter. The king agrees to give them a chance, but they must perform three difficult tasks: defeat an ogre, turn lead to gold, and screw a cow. The first man dies fighting the ogre, the second fails at turning lead to gold, but the third man successfully completes all three tasks.
"Congratulations!" says the king. "You may now have my daughter's hand in marriage."
"Screw that," says the man. "I want the cow."

3298

Jane was sitting in anatomy class on day when her teacher asked her a question. He inquired, “What grows to 10 times its original size when excited?”
Jane blushed and said that she didn't know. Jimmy raised his hand and said, “I know! The pupil of the eye.” The teacher replied, “Yes, very good Jimmy.”

The the teacher turned to Jane and said, “Jane I have three things to say to you: One -- you have a very dirty mind. Two -- you haven't been studying hard enough. And three -- you're going to be very disappointed!”

3299

While walking home from work one day, Frank saw a woman weeping uncontrolably. “What's wrong?” he asked, putting an arm around her shoulder.
“It's horrible,” she said, “just horrible -- Jerome is dead!” Feeling there was little he could do, Frank walked on.

A few minutes later, he came upon another woman crying hysterically. “Jerome is dead!” she screamed as she staggered past.

Continuing along the road, Frank came upon a sickening sight: a big bear of a man lay on the road beneath the wheels of a truck. The force of the impact had ripped the man's clothes off and, much to Frank's surprise, the man had a penis over a foot long. There were several other women surrounding him screaming, “'Jerome is dead! Jerome is dead!”

Upon reaching his house, he said to his wife, “Honey, you won't believe what i just saw. A man was lying in the road, stiff as a board -- and he had an endowment at least fourteen inches long.”

“Sweet Jesus,” she said, “Jerome is dead?!”