two boys are standing outside a whorehouse and they watch the men going in with long faces and $20 dollar bills in their hand,when the men come back out they are all happy and smiling.The one boy says to the other, man whatever is in their must be good lets go in and see. Once inside the one boy says to the maddam I want whatever the last guy got. She looks down at the boy and says how much money do you have, well I have a dollar. So she thinks for a moment and takes his dollar, then she runs her finger up and down her pussy for a minute and puts it to his nose. When they leave the other boy says well how is it. Well the little boy says I don't think I could handle $20 dollars of that

At a hill country wedding everyone is stunned when the grooms father storms to the front of the church and calls off the wedding.When asked the reason why,it seems that the groom was very nervous about his wedding night and how to behave.When he confided to his father that the soon to be bride was a virgin,at the ripe old age of 12,that ended the festivities.The reason?"Well,if she ain't good enough for kinfolk then By God she ain't good enough for my son!"

There was an old man from Netuckit
Whos dick was so long he could suck it
As he wiped his chin
He said with a grin
If my ear was a cunt I would fuck it.

Over the hill came Piss Pot Pete
with 40 pounds of hangin meat
As he laid her down in the deep dark grass
he started fucking her in the ass
The she blew a great big fart
and blew his balls wide apart
Back over the hill came Piss Pot Pete
With 40 pounds of Shreaded Meat.

Arriving late in the evening a newlywed couple checked into a fishing resort for the honeymoon.
Tired they went to bed and the groom was up and out at five to go fishing.
He comes back at night for dinner at 5 and eats alone in the dining room, has a few drinks and goes to bed at closing.
Day two the same things happen...up and out at 5, back at 5, dining room till closing and then off to bed.
The owner notices this and he feels it is a puzzling way to spend a honeymoon.
Day three arrives and the groom goes once again fishing at 5 in the morning and returns at 5 in the evening. The owner follows him into the dining room to see if his bride is going to join him. Needless to say she doesnt and so at closing the owner ventures over to the young man and says " Arent you on your honeymoon?" The man replies "yes sir, why?"
The owner goes on to explain that he found it odd that his new wife never leaves the room and all he does is fish...The owner says that he should be up in the room fucking his new bride.
The young man replies...she can't fuck for she has syphillis. The owner says...then have her give you blow jobs, to which the young man replies...She cant sir, she has pyrreha...Frustrated the owner says then for gods sake man fuck her in the ass.!!!! The young man shakes his head and tells him that he cant do that either for she has piles...Completely frustrated the owner of the resort yells at him...THEN WHY THE HELL DID YOU MARRY THE WOMAN THEN??????

To which the young man calmly replies, "Well sir, it's like this. I love fishing and she's got worms!"

OMGGGGGGG.....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!..........LMAO!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!

another joke
 

why do women have 2 holes so close together?

so you can carry them about like a six pack of beer.


a man goes to the doctor with a lump on his forehead the doctor examines it and says "i'm afraid you have penisitus your lump will soon grow into a fully formed penis"

the man replies "you will need to operate to remove it"

doctor "i'm afraid surgery is not an option it is rooted deep in your brain"

man "you mean i will have to look at a full grown penis sticking out of my forehead for the rest of my life?"

doctor "no you wont be able to see it you will have 2 balls hanging down over your eyes"

more
 

what does oral sex and and espionage have in common?

one slip of the tongue and your in the shit

an old couple in their 80's are sitting drinking in a bar the man says "do you remember the first time we made love?". "of course" replies his wife " 65 years ago we were sitting in this same pub and you suggested we go outside for some fun and you took me from behind over the fence it was so exciting"
"do you fancy doing it again for old times sake" asked the man
"sure" says the wife
so they head outside, a man who was sitting at a nearby table and overheard the conversation think this should be something and follows the old couple out and hides in the bushes.
the old couple approach the fence she lifts her skirt and lowers her nickers the man again enters her from behind as she leans on the fence, immediately the man begins thrusting forcefull and very energetically. they are at it for an hour and the pace doesnt let up at all, the man watching is amazed at their stamina and when they finally finish and lay on the grass to rest he goes over and explains that he overheard their conversation and had watched their romp and was amazed that after 65yrs together and at their age they could still have such great sex
to which the couple replied "65 years ago that fence wasnt electric"

I saw this in a magazine the other day and it made me laugh for ages .. hope you enjoy

Dear Lord,
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep
One who's handsome, smart and strong, one who's cock is thick and long
One who thinks before he speaks .. when he promises to call he won't wait for weeks
I pray he's gainfully employed, when I spend his cash he won't be annoyed
A man who pulls out my chair and opens my door, massages my back and begs to do more
Oh, send me a man who'll make love to my mind, one who knows what to say when I ask "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin' - in the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen
I pray this man will love me no end, and he'll never ever attempt to shag my best friend
And as I kneel and pray by my bed
I despair at the loser you sent me, Lord, instead.

two truckers sitting eating in a diner. lady at the next table starts choking. one trucker gets up grabs her bends her ver the table and yanks up her skirt. he runs his tongue from her ankle to her back. the lady gasping spits up the piece of food. when the trucker sits back down his bud tells him "i've heard of but never seen that hienie lick manuver"

guy buys his gf a t shirt and a vibrator for valentines day. tells her if she doesn't like the shirt she can fuck herself.

guy tells the bartender send those two ladies drinks on me. they wave him over. thank you nobody ever buys us drinks because we're lesbians. he says no matter i was raised that ladies don't buy their drinks. wow how chivalrous you deserve a treat want to see our tits? sure. thank you. couple of drinks later you want to smell some pussy? sure. she blows in his face.

a teacher, a lawyer and a priest on a sinking ship.
teacher: save the children
lawyer: fuck the children
priest: do we have time?

then there's the hooker who didn't know she was raped until the check bounced :p