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How "real" Men Bathe A Cat
1. Scrub toilet and flush several times.
2. Fill toilet with warm water and add a squirt of pet shampoo. 3. Drop cat in toilet and slam lid shut. 4. Sit on lid - cat's efforts to free itself will generate a good deal of sudsing and washing motions. Drink beer while waiting. 5. Flush toilet a couple of times to rinse cat. 6. Leap off toilet seat, dash out door and slam it securely shut because kitty will erupt from the bowl as if jet engine is lodged up their ass. 7. Leave kitty to sulk and dry itself. Drink beer while waiting. * This is fiction - You couldn't get a man to scrub a toilet. ***This IS a joke*** |
Joke ~ PAY BACKS
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head." |
The Little Bird
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It got so cold it froze up and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As it lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the little bird singing, and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and then ate him. The Morals of the Story are: 1. Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy. 2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. 3. When you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut! |
An Old Man, A Boy And A Donkey
There was an old man, a boy and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride.
As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The old man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they changed positions. Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they should both walk. Soon they passed some people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the best thing would be for them both to ride the donkey. Soon, they passed a group who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor helpless animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned. The Moral of the Story: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass! |
Joke ~ WHAT A DAY!
Dear God:
Yesterday was an awful day for me... My husband ran off with his secretary, My son pierced his eyebrow, My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head, My dog mated with the neighbors cat, My neighbor sold her house to a mental institution, My Mom told me I was adopted, My Dad told me he's gay, My boss told me I was laid off, My sister was arrested for prostitution, My house has termites, My car was stolen, All that came in the mail was bills, A plane, crash landed on my garage, OJ Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner, And my TV blew. Lord, please be with me today. I was able to live through all that misery yesterday. And I will be able to make it through anything today! But please.... DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!!!!! AMEN |
A little poem
I DON'T WANNA
I don't wanna do the dishes I don't wanna do the wash I sprinkled clothes a week ago And now my iron is lost! I don't wanna rattle pots I don't wanna rattle pans I see the mail light flashin' I wanna chat with friends! Oh the tables need some dustin' and the floor could sure be mopped But I know if I get started there'll be no place to stop. The closets are so full things are falling off the shelves I wish for cleaning fairies and magic little elves. They could sprinkle fairy dust and twitch their little nose The windows would be sparkling I would have no dirty clothes. Oh I know that I'm just dreamin' My head is in the sky I must cook that meat that's greying and bake that apple pie. The Hubby needs a bath Doggy needs attention Oh.. the other way around I mean my brain is in suspension. I am runnin' round in circles I am gettin' nothin' done, I keep thinking of my web I am missing all the fun! Well I know I'm not addicted though I hear that all the time But I guess this stuff can wait on me Cause Today I'll Be On Line!!! |
The User's Prayer
Dear God,
Help me log on without fretting Guide me as I'm interneting Bless my downloading and uploading Keep my browser from exploding. May my website be protected Let not my password be rejected Keep my line connection clear...... and let tech support be always near! Please keep all my programs alive, and be sure to back up my hard drive! And protect my puter from catching ......a virus and end up crashing! Amen |
Four Bells
A man who worked for the fire department came home form work and told his wife, " You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire department. When bell 1 rings,we all put our coats on. When bell 2 rings, we all slide down the pole. When bell 3 rings, we are on the truck and ready to go. From now on we are going to run this house the same way. when I say bell 1, you strip naked, bell 2, you jump into bed, bell 3, we are going to screw all night........."
The next night he came home from work and yelled, " Bell 1!" and his wife immediately took all her clothes off. "Bell 2!", and she jumped into bed. "Bell 3 ", and they began to screw. After 2 minutes, she yelled, "Bell 4!!" The husband said, "What the hell is Bell 4?!?!" " MORE HOSE!" SHE SAID, " YOU AIN'T NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!!!!" |
Italian Mother
Mrs. Ferrara comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner...who lives with a female roommate Vikki…
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just roommates." About a week later, Vikki came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner; I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" “Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: Dear Momma, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Momma, which read: Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Vikki, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love, Momma. |
Several jokes for you ladies
Conversations
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you." _______________________ "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. _______________________ He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly. She said - Well, you succeeded. ______________________ He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. _______________________ He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror ______________________ Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumor ____________________ One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to her. "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma." And they say blondes are dumb.... _______________________ A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger....... Whoosh....immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy! _______________________ A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST: She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. |
To The Fart...
At times it is silent, at times it is not
at times it sneaks out and burns oh so hot! When you'd like it to happen, it just won't come out it hides and it waits till you're out and about! The evil ones reek and embarrass us so then laugh as they trail us wherever we go! I know it's a function we can't live without, but on a first date must they really come out?? Men light them on fire - it amuses them so women fight to be quiet so that no one will know. I can't figure why after eating good food the smell that results could kill many a dude! So here's to the fart, our warm smelly friend you begin in my tummy, then come out my rear-end! |
Okay, one more set of jokes ...
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~Frank Sinatra ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny Youngman ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!! ~ "Unknown" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." |
Oh oh, now my troubles begin ...
One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered. "Union Station," answered the woman. "You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are uou looking at, driver?" "Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare." The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?" Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?" |
=====>Jokes<=====
Let's get all our giggles in one place!
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The Beer Prayer
Our lager, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink, Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk), At home as I am in the tavern. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages, As we forgive those who spill against us, and lead us not to incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers, For thine is the beer, The bitter and the lager, Forever and ever, Barmen. |
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