Missing Wife
 

:wish: MISSING WIFE :wish:

A husband went to the sheriffs department to report that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, Im not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Dont know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I dont remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and Bubba floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

Mrs OF is slowly nodding.

Three Ladies are playing the fourth hole at a well-known golf course
on the edge of Greenwood, when a naked man wearing a paper bag over
his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.
The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood.
The first lady says, 'He is definitely not my husband.'
The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, 'He is not mine either.'
After a very considered inspection, the third lady finally says, 'He's
not even a member of this club.

^^^^ I love it! :roflmao:

Uffdah!
 

Uffdah!

A road crew supervisor hired Ole to assist with painting the yellow line down the middle of the road. He was skeptical about hiring him, but he appeared enthusiastic and told him that he really needed the job. At least his wife Lena told him so.

He explained to Ole that his work day would be to complete 2 miles of line on the road, and he was set up with brushes and paint and got him started. After the first day, the supervisor was pleased to find that he did an excellent job and was able to paint 4 miles of road in his 8 hour shift. He told him that he did an excellent job and how pleased he was with his progress.

On the second day, Ole completed painting 2 miles of road. His supervisor was surprised that on the first day, he had completed twice as much work, but did not say anything, as 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway. He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure that he would pick up his speed again.

On day 3, the supervisor was shocked to learn that in his 8 hour shift, Ole only completed painting 1 mile of road. He was called the supervisor's office and asked what was the problem ..

"On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road. Can I ask you, what is the problem?"

"Vell," Ole replied, "I’ll tell you vhat, but I tought you vould know. Every day I vas getting farder and farder avay from da paint can.”

Adult Truths
 

ADULT TRUTHS

1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

18. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent some jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

21. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time. Uh Huh!

22. Life just gets better as you get older doesn't it? I was in a Starbucks recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart. The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.... I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my IPod ........

This is what happens when old people start using technology!



So how was your day?

Little Superbowl kinda humor
 

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked "What do you mean?"

"Well they flipped a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!!! Like, Hellooo? It's only 25 cents!"

Dr. Bumbutu
 

Subject: Dr Bumbutu's help

A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr. Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breasts without surgery.

So she decided to go to Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her.

Dr. Bumbutu advised her ‘Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say ‘Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!’

She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew a terrific D-cup rack!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said ’Scooby doobie doobies I want bigger boobies.’

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked ’ Are You a patient of Dr Bumbutu's?'

Yes I am. How did you know?’

He Winked and Whispered ‘Hickory dickory dock’..

The Pilot and the Priest
 

Pilot & Priest


A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?'

The guy replies, 'I' m Bruce, retired airline pilot from Toronto.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?

'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'

I knew you'd like it!

A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her
husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it.
The therapist tells her that she has a new drug called Viagra that
might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill
that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.
The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that
the Viagra worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills.
The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle.
The therapist says she doesn't know; it's a new drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person.
Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and puts the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband's morning coffee.
A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office and says:
"Are you the moron who gave my mother a bottle of Viagra?"
"Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?"
"Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad's sitting' in the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..."

^^^^ LOL! :roflmao:

Police Officer Test

How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

The answer is found below. I just know this question has been on your minds for years!


QUESTION: You’re a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.

You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?

ANSWER:

Australian Police Officer:

Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.

1) Does the man look poor and/or oppressed?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

5) Am I dressed provocatively?

6) Could I run away?

7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?

8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?

9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?

10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?

11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?

12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?

13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?


Canadian Police Officer:

BANG !

American Police Officer:

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

'Click'...Reload...

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !


Glasgow Police Officer:


"Haw, Jimmie....! Drop the wee knifie reet this minute noo, unless ye want it stuck up yer arse!"

SO true
 

Not sure this is really a joke :confused:

https://www.youtube.com/v/gXn2kvouP...fs=1&autoplay=1

That's entrapment.

I got a note the link ^^^ isn't working for everyone :confused: Seems some have got through and it's working for me through Pixies. :shrug: