:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:

Gotta' love those folks from Australia! :thumbs:

Yes, you do. Otherwise we'll come visiting again.

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Two guys, one old, one young,
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says,
"Well, maybe I can help you find her...
what does she look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,
with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,
long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, "Doesn't
matter, --- let's look for yours.

:roflmao: That's funny,BIBI! Love it.

OLD Is

'OLD' IS WHEN....
Your sweetie says
'Let's go upstairs and make love'
And you answer:
'Pick one, I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
On your new alligator shoes
And you're barefoot!

'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy ...
And your pacemaker opens the garage door!

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes
.. Just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down
By the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
.. In the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all-nighter' means not getting up
To use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN.....
You are not sure these are jokes!

Sadly, Amen.

A little boy went over to his grandparents' house and his grandfather was smoking a cigar. "May I have a puff of your cigar?" asked the boy. "Does your dick touch your asshole?" asked the grandfather. "No." "Then you can't have a puff of my cigar."

A few hours later the grandfather was drinking a beer. The little boy asked, "May I have a sip of beer?" "Does your dick touch your asshole?" "No." "Then you can't have a sip of beer."

After dinner the little boy was eating cookies and milk and the grandfather asked, "May I have a cookie?" The little boy responded, "Does your dick touch your asshole?" "Yes" replied the grandfather. The little spoke up and said, "Then you can go fuck yourself Grandma made these cookies for me."

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter.

The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

:coffee:

Two Cannibals
 

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

Needs
 

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "

The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.

" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"

And women say men aren't sensitive ...
 

Walking on the Grass

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.

Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"



Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? This level of sensitivity can't be taught.

Downright generous beyond all call.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.