Lexophile
 

Got this in an email and thought it was cute ...

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"Lexophile" is a word used to describe someone who loves using words in rather unique ways, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."

A competition to see who can come up with the best one is held every year. This year's entries are below with the winning submission posted at the very end.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the wretched crop:

Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

they are hilarious......did Oldfart write them?

No, but I should have. Lol.

Classfieds Actually Ran In A Minneapolis Newspaper...

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER . 8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.. Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog..able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK; $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES: California grown - 89 cents/lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

And the best one?: FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

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Shorts

Shortest English sentence “I am” longest “I do.”

Difference between bonds and men – Bonds mature!

What do you call a man who looses 75% of his intelligence? - Divorced.

Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, "You know, the food here is just terrible." The other shakes her head and adds, "And such small portions."

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks ‘Are you reading that?" I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.

:)

Case Of The Pregnant Lady from an Actual Australian Court Docket-

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was grinning at her. She immediately moved to another seat.This time the grin turned into a smile, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned.'

'Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.

'Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick', and I could hardly contain myself.'

'BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.'
'CASE DISMISSED

Best Irish Joke
 

:irish: VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND :irish:

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of
the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's
only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

Feel Like a Woman
 

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then the man from Texas stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped...










Then, he spoke...'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'

:doorpeek:

Alligator Shoes ... another blond joke :)
 

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.

Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration......

”Sonofagun!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!”

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."

Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice : "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."

Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says :

"It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad."

"Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little brat's name is Kevin."

^^^^ :roflmao:

Three men were traveling in Europe and happened to meet at a bar in London. One man was from England, one from France and one from Canada. They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their wives.

The guy from England began by saying: "I told my wife in no uncertain terms that from now on she would have to do the cooking. Well the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, a wonderful dinner was prepared with wine and even dessert."

Then the man from France spoke up: "I sat my wife down and told her, that from now on she would have to do all the shopping, and also do the cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries.

The fellow from Canada was married to an enlightened woman from the prairies... He sat up straight on the bar stool, pushed out his chest and said: "I gave my wife a stern look and told her, that from now on she would have to do the cooking, shopping and housecleaning. Well the first day I saw nothing. The second day I still saw nothing. But on the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye ..."

:D Yep!

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