Two Red Ears (Blonde Joke)
 

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had had happened to her ears?

"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to your other ear?"

"The son-of-a-bitch called back."

JOKES ABOUT MEN

Woman 1: "Has your guy been circumcised?"
Woman 2: "No. He's a complete dick."

**********

Woman1: "Do you ever talk to your man during sex?"

Woman2: "Only if he phones me."

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What's the difference between a smart man and a stupid man?

Nothing. They both think they know everything.

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Why do women really need men about the house?

Because they still haven't invented a vibrator that can do the dishes, cut the lawn, paint the house.........

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A woman goes out to buy a gun.

"It's for my husband." she explained to the shop owner.

"But, madam, guns are very personal. They need to be properly suited to their owner. Why not bring your husband along?"

"Because it would ruin the surprise: he doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him."

**********

Why don't men get piles?

Because they're perfect a***holes.

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How many men does it take to wallpaper the dining room?

Four if you slice them thinly.

Fairs is fair....now one about women!


A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud,but everyone at the table heard the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!". The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!".

A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing!

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

one more about a woman......


Agnes married and had 13 children. When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, Dear Lord, they are finally together. One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

The Lawyer and the Forest Ranger

A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homes where they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.

Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Wait a minute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"

St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."

A lawyer's Christmas card
 

Merry Christmas in Legal Terms

Please accept without obligation, express or implied, these best wishes for an environmentally safe, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, and gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday as practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice (but with respect for the religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or for their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all) and further for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated onset of the generally accepted calendar year (including, but not limited to, the Christian calendar, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures). The preceding wishes are extended without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee(s).




If that doesn't put you in the mood ...

People were in their pews talking at church.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away
from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one
elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving,
seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy
was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said,
'Don't you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill with a word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man,
in an even tone.
'Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying,
AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked,
'Well, why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied,
'Been married to your sister for 55 years.

A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great, but as yet unnamed, athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece ........
In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked.

To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.
At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed:"Oh! Limp pricks!"

Over the next two and a half millennia that morphed into "Olympics".

NEVER, EVER, QUESTION A DRUNK!


I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of lettuce,
A 2 lb. Can of coffee and
A 1 lb. Package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated--'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'


The drunk replied--'Cause you're ugly.

I can hear Churchill muttering in the background. LOL

except he would have ended it with....Cause your ugly Madam!

Opening Day of Deer Season
 

For all our hunters~


Check List Complete:

I scouted the area all summer.
I searched out the best location for my tree-stand...
I set it all up a month ahead of time...
I trailed the herd . . .
I picked out a trophy buck...
Two days before opening day I rechecked every aspect of the hunt...
Everything was in place....
Sunday morning, I woke up at 2 am....
I put on my camo, loaded my pack, set out for my stand...
this was destined to be an epic hunt....
As I approached the tree-stand......




























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. . I changed my mind, decided to go to church instead.

It's just a bit of company, for goodness sake.

You'd bearly notice him.

Who else has a hide with a bearskin rug?

The punchline was "In the morning madam, I shall be sober, but you will still be ugly."

Oh I knew madam was somewhere in there :shrug: