LOL, BIBI! That's cute. :D

Canada VS United States

This is an actual radio conversation between a United States Navy aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities off the coast off Newfoundland in October 1995. (The radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10/10/95 as authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)

CANADIANS:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS:
Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS:
No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS:
This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln. The second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course15 degrees north...
I say again...That's one-five degrees north.... or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship!

CANADIANS:
We are a lighthouse. Your call

another Canadian joke...
 

A Cape Bretoner(from Nova Scotia)at the local Welfare Office

A Cape Bretoner walked into the local Welfare Office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "I'm here to pick up my welfare cheque, but I really hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job."

The person behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours involved, meals will also be provided and you will be required to escort the young lady on all her overseas holiday trips. The salary package starts at $200,000 a year with room and board and bonuses."

The Cape Bretoner said, "You've got to be bullshitting me man!"
The clerk behind the counter said, "Yeah, well you started it.

Redneck understanding of Medical Terms
 

Rednecks have the lowest stress rate because they do
not understand the seriousness of most medical terminology

Medical Term Redneck Definition
Artery The study of paintings
Bacteria Back door to cafeteria
Barium What doctors do when patients die
Benign What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan Searching for Kitty
Cauterize Made eye contact with her
Colic A sheep dog
Coma A punctuation mark
Dilate To live long
Enema Not a friend
Fester Quicker than someone else
Fibula A small lie
Impotent Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff A Doctor's cane
Morbid A higher offer
Nitrates Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally More money than Days
Node I knew it
Outpatient A person who has fainted
Pelvis Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative A letter carrier
Recovery Room Place to do upholstery
Rectum Nearly killed him
Secretion Hiding something
Seizure Roman Emperor
Tablet A small table
Terminal Illness Getting sick at the airport
Tumor One plus one more
Urine Opposite of you're out

Gotta love Redneck jokes.

good one db

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks. "Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts. "Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely. "Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! Alright! Is that alright with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?" At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage. Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month." :tongue:

Present Moon Syndrome I suspect.

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says: "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!, says the administration clerk. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!, says the sales rep. I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up" the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says: "I want those two back in the office after lunch.

" Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say."

Good one db lol

Late Night Phone Call To The Vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbours' male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.

Blonde jokes about MEN
 

A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------
A blond man shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and
her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"

------------------------------------
A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to
swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls
him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road. * *The
cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"

------------------------------------
A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.
His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"\He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.

------------------------------------
A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by
his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blond replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".

------------------------------------
(This one actually makes sense...LOL) An Italian tourist asks a blonde
man: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still
be in the boat."*

BOB & THE BLONDE:

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied,
"I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.

My wife complained that I never bring her anywhere expensive. So I brought her to the gas station.

lol are you related to Rodney Dangerfield?

The Lawyer and the Blonde (Blondes will love this)
 

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.