What's black and tan and looks good on a lawyer?

















A rottweiler.

Valerie
 

One day a Madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Valerie," he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out $5000.00 and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -- too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, " South Carolina."
"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are guaranteed:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

:roflmao: ^^^^

An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot.
"Lord,"he prayed,"I can't stand this.If you open a space up for me,I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said,"Never mind,I found one."

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.

"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde #1.

"Do what?" asked Blonde #2.

"Send my lawn out to be mowed."

Silly jokes to tell kids.


Seasonal Jokes

Spring

Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims!

Summer

Q: What do you call a dog on the beach in the Summer?
A: A hot dog!

Q: Why do bananas use sunscreen?
A: Because they peel.

Fall

Q. How you mend a broken pumpkin?
A. With a pumpkin patch!

Winter

Q: How do Eskimos make their beds?
A: With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.

Q: Why don’t mountains get cold in the winter?
A: They wear snowcaps.

Q: What do you call a slow skier?
A: A slopepoke!

Q: Where does a polarbear keep its money?
A: In a snow bank!

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Risking the wrath of blondes everywhere ...

Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?

A: Because she couldn't find the 11

Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice every day. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much... it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchased them.
Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"
Startled, S...ophia replies, "Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?"
Luigi answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?"
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, "Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?"
Rosa answers, "Yes, Luigi , I do, but how do you know that?"
He replies, "I see the reflection in my new$300 Armani leather shoes... How do you like them?"
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red... He states, "Carmela, be stilla my heart. Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight. Please, please, tella me this true!" Carmela smiles coyly and answers, "Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight..."
Luigi gasps, "Thanka Goda ....I thought I had a CRACK in my$300 Armani leather shoes...!"

:roflmao:

A tough old cattleman from Jindabyne counselled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her porridge each morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great great grandchildren and a 12 metre hole where the crematorium used to be.

Ya' know, we're getting a bunch of really good jokes. Thanks OF and BIBI! :thumbs:

Wait long enough, all things become new again (or so they tell us).

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colors, green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared.

The young man said, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.