Truth.

MURDER AT Wal-Mart

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.


A 'friend of a friend'
put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local WalMart Super store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However,
unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.


Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the
newspaper, the headline declared...





'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WALMart '

^^^^ :roflmao:

The Elbow
 

The Jewish E L B O W

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who
is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment
301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow ,
push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is
on the right. Get in, and with your elbow , push 3. When you get
out, I'm on the left. With your elbow , hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons
with my elbow? ..........


"What . . . .. ... You coming empty handed?"

Grandfather
 

Wise Italian Grandfather

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down
through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside,
Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome
plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me
your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you
gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a
couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed
with another man.

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?

Irish Blonde
 

Irish blonde...

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived
at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty
thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the
neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on,
baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down
and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the
dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered,
"I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
..... but all men...are men!

Global Facts About Sex
 

Global Facts About Sex

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 fuddy-duddy is reading Pixie jokes.

You hang in there, Sunshine! :D

Two politicians in Washington had become good friends and discovered they shared a fondness for horses, so, they decided to each buy a horse and keep them penned at the same farm.

After they got the horses, they went out to the farm and were admiring their purchase. All of a sudden the one asked the other, "How are we going to tell our horses apart?"

The second politician pondered the question and finally suggested, "How about we trim the tail on one but not the other."

Thinking this was a good idea, they proceeded to do that. Then, they stood by and the first politician said, "You know ... we didn't need to trim the one horse's tail ... that white horse is taller than that black one!"

.................................

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.

In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU..

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!

While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take!

For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And YOU will now be his carer!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed..

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'

^^^^ Yikes!

The Parrot
 

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies.

'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot.

'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.

'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without
any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.

You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.

I'm especially good at ornithology.

You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.

You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot does, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes.

Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'

If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day.



Sent to me by Irish

UFO Crash
 

A guy is walking beside a lake when he sees a flying saucer swoop overhead, and crash in to the water. In the wreckage that floats to the surface, he sees a body, so he dives in to pull it ashore. It turns out to be a beautiful, green skinned alien babe in a skintight silver spacesuit. He gives her mouth to mouth, and unzips her suit to help her breathe.

"Oh thank you, human, you've saved my life!" she gasps. Then seeing the guy staring at her exposed, green skinned tits, she smiles shyly.

"On my planet we call these 'breasts'...do you like them?"

The guy nods, speechless, as the ET beauty arches her back, fingertips stroking the jutting emerald buds atop her firm boobs.

"These, we call 'nipples'....." she gasps, before unzipping her spacesuit all the way down.
"...and this, on my world, is called a 'pussy'..." she croons, revealing her lovely. bald, smooth green snatch.

Unable to contain himself the guy tugs down his fly and pulls out his cock.

"What do you call this on your world?" he gasps.

"I don't know" the alien babe frowns. "But if it were green and eight inches longer, it would be a cock." :(

Senior Texting
 

The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.

She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.


The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

I'm on the toilet. Please advise.



(Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?)

JUST FRED - Humor
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

:roflmao: