ha bloody ha Diva :p

PS - I've never had physics explained that way before

An Amusing 'take' on The Axis of Evil
 

Also, something offend everybody in our international family here, if anybody is not offended, my apologies ... ;)

Beijing (AAP) - Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his in State of the Union address. Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil...in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."

THE AXIS PANDEMIC
International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rowanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick. "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges. Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

Top 27 Things You Wish You Could Say At Work


1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a fuck.
3. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?
4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.
6. Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
8. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
9. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
10. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the
subject.
11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.
13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
14. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
17. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point
of view.
18. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
19. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
20. No, my powers can only be used for good.
21. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
22. You sound reasonable...... time to up my medication.
23. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
24. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
25. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
26. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
27. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

Response to a woman you accidently walked into a man's restroom
 

Logic to Ponder
 

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Why do they sterilise needles for lethal injections?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Does 'vigin wool' come from sheep the shepard hasn't caught yet?
When you choke a smurf, what color does he turn?
Do blind eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If 7-11 is open 24hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If you tied a buttered piece of toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If your in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
Why do they put braille on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
Why is it when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why cant they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

What is the defination of a sandstorm?????

An elephant farting in a biscuit tin.

The Rules
 

The FEMALE always makes THE RULES

THE RULES are subject to change at anytime without prior notice

No MALE can possibly know all THE RULES

If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows all THE RULES she must immediately change some or all THE RULES

The FEMALE is never wrong

If the FEMALE is wrong it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the MALE said or did

The MALE must apologise for causing said misunderstanding

The MALE is always wrong

The MALE maybe right if he agrees with the FEMALE unless she wants him to disagree

The FEMALE may change her mind at any time

The MALE may never change his mind without the written consent of the FEMALE

The FEMALE has the right to be angry or upset at any time

The MALE must remain calm at all times unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry and/or upset

The FEMALE must under no cicumstances let the MALE know wether she wants him to be angry and/or upset

The MALE is expected to mind read at all times

Wonderfull stuff...made me uncurl and stand at attention..way to go love..
 

Bush and Powell are sitting in a bar.
>A guy walks in and asks the barman: "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
>The barman says: "Yep, thats them."
>So the guy walks over and says: "Hello, what are u guys doing?"
>And Bush says: "We're planning world war 3."
>And the guy says: "Really? What's going to happen?"
>And Bush says: "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman."
>And the guy exclaims: "A bicycle repairman?!!!"
>So, Bush turns to Powell and says: "See? I told you no-one would worry about the 10 million Afghans!"

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One Sardar was enjoying the sun at the beach in America. A lady came and asked him, " Are you relaxing?" Sardar answered, " No, I am Banta Singh."

Another guy came and asked him the same question. Sardar answered, "No No Me Banta Singh!"

Third one came and asked him the same question again. Sardar was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.

While walking he saw another Sardar soaking in the sun. He went up to him and asked, "Are you Relaxing?" The other Sardar was a lot more educated and answered, "Yes, I am relaxing."

The Sardar slapped him on his face and said, "Stupid, idiot. Everyone is looking for you and your are here ?!"



************************************************** *******

Wedding Night
On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive virgin
bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great
anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new
Christian husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make
love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent."

Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most
ridiculous thing I have ever heard! To whom did you lend
it, and for how long?"

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@2
New Shoes
A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that
she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could
satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and
out of all these short term relationships.

"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment
from the outside?" she asked earnestly.

"The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet" counseled
the therapist.

So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the
streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an
unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her
eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him,
and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of
abandon.

When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already
gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note
that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out
and buy a pair of shoes that fit you."




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You're the First
Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her
doctor and says," Doc, I'm getting married this weekend
and my fiancée thinks I'm a virgin. Is their anything you
can do to help me?"

The doctor says" Medically, no, but here's something you
can try. On the wedding nite, when your getting ready for
bed, take an elastic band and slide it up to your upper
thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic
band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby to be will
fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire
to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in
the bathroom, slips the elastic up her leg, finishes
preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things
begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in" and she
snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks " what was that?"

The wife explains," oh nothing honey, that was just my
virginity snapping." The husband cries out " WELL SNAP
IT AGAIN, IT'S GOT MY BALLS!!!"

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Oops
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight
up to the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled
over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny
husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make
love to her.

Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat,
he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife
pouring coffee.

"How'd you get down her so fast?" he asked. "We were just
making love!"

"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there!
She came over early and had complained of having a headache.
I told her to lie down for awhile."

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I
can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"

The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk
for fifteen years and I wasn't about to start now!"
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Quickie
Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off
a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old
son in the apartment was to send him out on the
balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood
activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents
put their plan into operation. "There's a car being
towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance
just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the
Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding
a new bike and the Coopers are having sex." Mom and
Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the
startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on
the balcony too," his son replied

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Doctor, Doctor.....
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The
doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism
went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed
the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her,
"Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or
dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the
doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know
what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or
breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual
intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm
doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I
came here in the first place."


**********************888
After the Lovin'
A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind.
After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed.
So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not
yet ready to slumber.

The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm
lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses her room to
the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on
her face.

The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did
my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey- wosey?" The
woman gets up and enters the man's bed.

The two have passionate sex and afterwards the women rolls out.
As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot
on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his
shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy idiot."



************************
Getting Even
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman
sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his
courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively.
"Um, Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
"No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the
guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks
back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks
over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says,
"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate
student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond
to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do
you mean $200?"

##################################

Bragging Rights
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to a Texan
on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men
began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the
Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious
crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the
Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful
omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Texan remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked,
"And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did
she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@22

Tickle Me Elmo
 

you are sooo sexy...!!
 

Bob goes into the public toilet and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, I really appreciate it."

Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @


A man is getting ready to fuck his new girlfriend for the first time. He tries to push his dick in, but he can't get it in. He tries and tries, but to no avail. Finally he pushes inside her and starts giving it to her. He says, "Damn, this hurts. It's so tight I can barely take it."

She says, "OK. Let me go to the bathroom and make it a little easier."

He climbs off and she disappears for a few moments. When she returns, she lays down and he climbs back on top of her. He slides in again, and this time it's much easier.

"Ahhh. That's more like it. Did you put some KY jelly in there?"

"Nope," she replies, "I just peeled off the fucking scabs..."
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
A guy walks into a brothel and tells one of the girls that he wants a blowjob. The girl takes him to a room and proceeds to suck him off without a condom. While she does so, the guy sees a half-full bucket of sperm beside the bed.

He disregards the strange site as he enjoys the best blowjob of his life. A second later, he shoots long lines of semen into her mouth. She takes every drop, but instead of swallowing, she spits the cum into the bucket.

The guy asks, "Don't like swallowing spuzz, huh?"

She wipes her mouth and replies, "Another girl and I have a bet. Whoever fills up a bucket first gets to drink both buckets."

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killer vices

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker and the other was a homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.

The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself.

His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.

No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words.

As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."
************************************************** ***************

The Chastity Belt
King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

"Why this is no good, Merlin!" the King exclaimed, "Just look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect the Queen?"

"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" exclaimed the grateful monarch. "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.

Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way.

All of them, except Sir Galahad.

"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur. "My one and only true knight. Only you among all the nobles have been true to me.

What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"

But alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.

************************************************** **
Initiation ceremony
A pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom. The place was hopping with music and dancing -- until people saw the pastor.

As the room quieted down, he walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use the restroom!"

"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there... She's only covered by a fig leaf!"

"Nonsense," said the pastor. "I'll look the other way!"

The bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, he came back out and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again!

The pastor went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again."

"Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"

"But I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about a drink?"

************************************************** *

Just saying that it is hard to read these jokes and eat ice cream..........you guys and gals just crack me up!!!
Sharni.....thanks for explaining All the rules to me!!!!!!!!!!lmao

Sharni - regarding the cat and buttered toast thing, what you can do is make an engine out of it.....an eternal non-combustion engine :)