2505

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

2506

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

2507

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

2508

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!

2509

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

2510

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

2511

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

2512

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

2513

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

This concludes my attempt at stand-up... back to regularly scheduled posts :)

2514

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

2515

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for he family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

2516

Anxious to fill his quota, the cop got out of his car and the kid,
who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.

2517

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out
of gas."

2518

The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk".

The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was
a cripple."

2519

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom
disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.

Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape
artist-probably better than Houdini."

The giant nodded.

"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"

Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four
minutes.

"I can't get out of these," the giant growled.

"Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again.

"Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."

"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."