Golf, anyone?
 

A man and his wife consult a golf pro to try and improve their game.

The pro examines the man's technique and comments, "Your grip's too tight, imagine you're holding the club like you'd hold your wife's breasts."

The man does so and hits the ball right onto the green.

Next the pro looks at the wife's technique. "I can see your problem," says the pro. "Your grip is too tight, handle the club as if it was your husband's penis."

The woman does so, but only manages to knock the ball a few feet from the tree.

"Okay," says the pro, "Not to worry. Now the first thing you have to do is take the club out of your mouth..."

:roflmao:

Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives, in one compound, and never left the house for five years.

It is now believed that he called the US Navy Seals himself.

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems. :D

USA RECESSION

The
recession has hit everybody really hard... .....................

My
neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are
having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off
25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her
with rolls
of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only
one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient
Funds," you
call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted
a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies
and learned their
childrens' names.

My cousin had an exorcism
but couldn't afford to pay for it, and
they re-possessed her!

A
truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is
now only worth 200 words.

The Treasure Island Casino in Las Vegas is
now managed by Somali pirates.

Last week, she checked into the caravan park in Bundaberg Queensland in a cabin and was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a coin off his well oiled bum.... You get the picture.

She figured, what the heck, I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, madam, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated and she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, baby.

Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

This is another of those absolutely true, factual and inarguable emails. At least this one is funny.



The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company.

Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
--------------------------------
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company
-----------------------------------
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That.... Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan.

:roflmao:

A priest and a minister are standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground.

The sign reads:
"The End is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now Before It's Too Late!"

A car speeds past them, the driver yelling, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

There is the sound of screeching tires followed by a big splash.

The priest turns to the minister and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'"?

LOL! Love it.

It's a repeat, but a good one.

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "Okay then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him"?

Kenny said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" the farmer says.

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead." Kenny said.

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey"?

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

"Didn't anyone complain"? the farmer asked.

"Just the guy who won. So, I gave him his two dollars back."

I had heard that, but thanks for bringing it back ... it's terrific. :roflmao:

More classics.


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.


When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"


And that's how the fight started......
________________________________



My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.


I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,


'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'


So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....


________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.


The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."


He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."


And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion,

and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat

alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"


"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up

those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."


"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"


And then the fight started...

________________________________



When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had

something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she

thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall

grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into

the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."


The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________



My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"


I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...


________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my

lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential

downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather

would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back

into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is

terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my

stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...


_______________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming

anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in

about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......


_____________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply

for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to

verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at

home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.


The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.


She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.


When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped

your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...


________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.


She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you

to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."


And then the fight started........

________________________________



I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!


He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'


That's how the fight started.

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out the front door, stepping around empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow, Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night!" the mailman says.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing Who Am I?"

"Is that a game?" the mailman asks. "How do you play that?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Well, that's why I came out to talk to you," Bob says. "You better lay low for a few days, since your name came up seven times and several of the guys are looking for you."

Twenty Dollars
 

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20 for their lovemaking encounter. Her husband readily agreed.

It set a precedent -- this scenario was repeated each time they made love for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.


Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in sitting at the kitchen table, head in his hands. During the next few minutes, he explained that with the economy shattered, General Motors had laid him off from his well-paid management position. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and because he had counted on his pension, he never invested any money and they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than 40 years of steady deposits and interest -- the total nearly $1 million. The husband was starting to get rather excited, but then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the local bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her careful savings.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

They found him submerged in Lake Erie, in his favorite Chevy. Some men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.