A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a quite pretty teenage girl about to jump off a bridge - so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

He wants to distract her so he says the first thing that pops into his head. "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a blow job? At least you go out with a nice memory, eh?" She thinks for a moment as then she gives him a long, deep lingering blow.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best suck I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family were invited over to see the baby, but before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the new baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears, or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.

Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see well?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be buggered if he needed glasses".

Even More Puns

1. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head'

2. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

3. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

4. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

5. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

6. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

7. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

8. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

9. A backward poet writes inverse.

10. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

11. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

12. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

I love the cannibalism one. Put a smile on my face.

Yes, but they won't eat clowns.

Those were all cute, Boog! Thanks, I needed a good chuckle.

Failure is to succeed at things that do not even count!
 

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.

However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.

Now consider a group of baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?

Believe it or not ……. a Congress!

I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington …

count!




The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.

However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.

Now consider a group of baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?

Believe it or not ……. a Congress!

I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington …

The Princess
 

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS..

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what;

Metal,

Wood,

Stone,

Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter
an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth...

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly .

The second prince brought diamonds.

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, 'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red .

She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.

And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.

And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?











M&M's of course.

They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were you thinking??

I STILL WORRY ABOUT YOU SOMETIMES!!!!

Words Of Wisdom
 

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. :thumbs:

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. :thumbs:

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..

7.. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. :thumbs:

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. :)

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. :thumbs:

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The Simple Truth
 

Got these from IRISH and thought they were cute.

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats".

But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".

Moral of the story:
"Hard work is never appreciated”

No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said,

'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'

:D

Good ones, DB and Irish.

British Humor - Politically Incorrect
 

More good humor from Irish.

=====

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to
religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted
to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

-----------------------------------------------------------

The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did....she's
21 and her name's Lucy.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were
shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is
21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a
spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

-----------------------------------------------------------

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a
hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before
you're banned from teaching altogether."

-----------------------------------------------------------

Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?

17% said yes;
11% said No;
72% said "I am not understanding the question please."
-----------------------------------------------------------
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me
because she can't afford batteries!

From the same email, from my BIL,

Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend - Beautiful,
Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. *
Or in other words............B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

:roflmao: Love it!

At a wedding party recently someone yelled, "All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was crushed to death.