:rofl: DM! I love vodka coolers! I'm drinking one now, in fact!

OMG DB!! TOO GOOD!!

OK, here's one for the Canadian contingent:

Q: How do you kill a one-legged fox?

A: You make him run across Canada.

If the stork brings white babies
And the crow brings black babies
What kind of bird brings no babies?




























A SWALLOW!!! :rofl:

Speaking of Canada ... a Canadian friend of mine shared one time ...

Canada was an old Indian word "CND" ... but you know how Canadians are ..

C .. eh .. N .. eh .. D .. eh

... and it stuck! :)

a little old lady shaing violently goes into an adult shop, walks up to the counter still shaking and the shop assistant looks at the lady shaking and asks if he can help her
the lady looks at the assistant and said stuttering "dddooo youuu sellll dildoooss aboutt 10 inchees longgg, 3 inchess rounddd andd blackkk"
the assistant looks at the shaking woman and said " yes we do mam why"
the lady looks at him and replies " welllll howww dooo youuu turnnn theee fuckinnn thinggg offffffff"

last one i promise...

a assistant in a large department store was gazing around the store when he see's the head of a man pertruding from an isle not far from him just moving backwards and forwards without him actually moving down the isle, the assistant proceeded with his work and about 5 minutes later he could hear a slight moaning noise coming from the direction of where he saw the man, he glanced over and sure enough the mans head was moving backwards and forwards still and he was moaning, the assistant thought what the hell is he doing so he moved around the store to get a look at what he was up to, finally he got in a position where he could see the man front on just standing in the one position thrusting his pelvis out then back the out again and so on still moaning but now his tongue was hanging out as he was moaning and thrusting, the assistant could not stand it any longer and decided to go and ask the man what he was up to, so he walk straight up to the man and said "excuse me what do you think you are doing" the man looked him straight in the eye and replied "fuckin nothing

thats it boom boom

Sunday Morning Sex
 

**Sunday Morning Sex**

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even ... nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the damm ice cream truck hadn't come along.

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up, and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?"

The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, Come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they share a few hits.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is "dry" and is going to get a drink from the river. Once at the river, the lizard is so stoned that he leans over and falls into the water.

A Crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard, and helps him to the side; then he asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking ajoint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned, and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says, "Hey!"

The Monkey looks down and says....
"Shhhhiiiiiiitttttt.......DUDE,.......how much water did you drink?!!"

Steph,

Excellent! :)

Golf lessons
 

A man and his wife decide to play golf but neither is very good so they sign up for lessons.

The man goes to his lesson first. The instructor says, "Show me your swing so I can evaluate you." The man swings and the instructor says, "That was good but you're holding the club too tight. Try holding it gently like you would hold your wife's breasts." The man does so and he hits the ball 250 yards!

Later, the wife goes for her lesson. Again the instructor tells her to show him her swing so that he can evaluate her. She does and he says, "You're also holding the club too tight. Hold like you would hold your husband's dick." She does so and takes her swing. Then the golf instructor says, "Try it again but this time take the club out of your mouth."

ROFL DB!

This one's pretty cheesy but hey, it's about sheep!

There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with
his farm ... especially, the difficult task of
castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep
them from breeding with the females.

He hired a Frenchman who didn't speak much English
but was a very good worker.

After the first day, they had successfully castrated
14 sheep and his French worker was just about to
throw away the severed "parts" when the sheep farmer yelled,
"No -- Don't throw those away -- My
wife fries them up and we eat them ... they're
delicious, and we call them 'Sheep Fries'!"*

Later that day, the French hired hand came in for
supper and, indeed, he thought that the "Sheep
Fries" were very tasty.

The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and that
evening they all settled down to another supper of
"Sheep Fries".

On the third day, however, when the sheep farmer
came in for supper, he asked his wife where the
French hired hand was.

"You know, it's the weirdest thing," she said.

"I told him that since there weren't that many
'Sheep Fries' this evening, we were also going to
have French fries ... and he ran like his ass was on
fire!"

Loved it, Steph. :grin:

I liked this ...

As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.

Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church, which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of irish father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips.

Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance irish Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"

Confession was never that fun! :grin:

Love that sig, too, DB!

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. She said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. She was so excited that she immediately shared her joy with her congregation and said she'd like to personally thank the member who placed the bill in the plate.

A quiet, elderly and saintly lady in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving invited her to pick out three hymns.

The old lady’s eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him...







and him...







and him."

Another Irish joke ...
 

IRISH GAS STATION

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new
Mercedes into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is ...

"Top o' the mornin to ya".

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.

"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimes the Irish attendant. "Those
fellas at Mercedes think of everything!

Things that Hallmark never put in cards ...
 

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY

-----

My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

-----

Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

-----

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

-----

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

-----


How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

-----

I've always wanted to have someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

-----

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

-----

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

-----

Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

-----

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

-----

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

-----

When we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

-----

We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?

-----

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

-----

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

-----

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

-----

So your daughter's a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay.

The Farmer after the Accident
 

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious
enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.

In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule
Bessie into the--"

''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were
fine?"

''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the
road--''

''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the
accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was
just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my
client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the
question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's
answer and told the lawyer so.

''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my
favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when
this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck
right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into
the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I
could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible
shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman
came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went
over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her
between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in
his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had
to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

I stopped at a friends house the other day and found him
stalking around the kitchen with a flyswatter.

When I asked if he had gotten any flies he answered, "Yeah,
5... 3 males and 2 females."

Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference.

He answered, "It's easy, 3 were on a beer can and 2 were on
the phone.

Some of these are new (to me).

Haha! A few of these are great!


My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was
God and I didn't.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

God must love stupid people; He made so many.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a
pig.

This is a hoot. Enjoy.
>
>
> If everyone went back to writing checks and requiring bills to be
>
> mailed to us most financial institutions would be ruined
>
> Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a
>
> 96-year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to
>
> have it published in the New York Times.
>
>
>
>
> Dear Sir:
>
> I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
>
> endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three
>
> nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and
>
> the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
>
> I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
>
> salary, an arrangement, which I admit, has been in place for only
>
> eight years.
>
> You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity,
>
> and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the
>
> inconvenience caused to your bank.
>
> My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
>
> caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that
>
> whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters,
when
>
> I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
>
> overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has
>
> become.
>
> From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
>
> person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter
>
> no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,
>
> addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank
>
> whom you must nominate.
>
> Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
>
> person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application
>
> Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I
>
> am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much
>
> about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
>
> alternative.
>
> Please note that, all copies of his or her medical history must be
>
> countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of
>
> his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities)
>
> must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue
>
> your employee with a PIN number, which he/she must quote in dealings
>
> with me.
>
> I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
>
> modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access
>
> my account balance on your phone bank service.
>
> As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me
>
> level the playing field even further. When you call me, press the
>
> buttons as follows:
>
> 1. To make an appointment to see me.
>
> 2. To query a missing payment.
>
> 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
>
> 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
>
> 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
>
> nature.
>
> 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
>
> 7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
>
> computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a
later
>
> date to the Authorized Contact.
>
> 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7
>
> 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then
>
> be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering
service.
>
> While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
>
> ! will play for the duration of the call.
>
> Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
>
> establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
>
> May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New
Year.
>
> Your Humble Client
>
> (Remember: This was written by a 96-year-old woman)
>
> That A Girl!!!!!!!!!

Busted! (Or - did she really DO that?)
 

Your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking and dancing.... You're okay with it, because you get to watch sports all night.... You hear her stumble into bed around 4 and laugh knowing she's going to have a monster hangover....

You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which she used last night....

You sigh in relief because it's all in one piece.... You circle the car looking for dents and find none....

But .....

Wait a minute....



Lookee here!!!

DM

LOL, DM! That's terrific. :grin:

Today a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test.

She blindfolded him, put a Hershey Kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"

No, I don't , said the little boy.

Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work.

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! Spit it out!!!...

...It's a piece of ass!"

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his
driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was
nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the
lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied.

"You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

Lol

A taste of things to come?
 

[Just so you know, Asda is the UK arm of (Walmart) ]


One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind
him,
"My elbow hurts like hell, I suppose I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies,
"there's a diagnostic computer at Asda, Just give it a urine sample and
the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It
takes ten seconds and only costs five pounds...A lot quicker and better
than a doctor".

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to
Asda.

He deposits five pounds, and the computer lights up and asks for
the urine sample.

He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later,
the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm
in warm water and avoid heavy activity, It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled!

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine
samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good
measure.
Jack hurried back to Asda, eager to check what would happen.
He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will
never get better...Thank you for shopping at Asda.

Three sisters ages 72, 74, and 76 lived in a house
together. One night the 76-year-old drew a bath. She
put her foot in and paused. She yelled down the stairs
"was I getting into or out of the bath?"

The 74-year-old yelled back "I don't know. I'll come
up and see." She started up the stairs and paused.
Then she yelled, "was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 72-year-old sat at the kitchen table having tea,
listening to her sisters. She shook her head sadly and
said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She
knocked on wood for good measure. She then yelled,
"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
who's at the door."

On a slightly different note, here's one for PFfrom our local paper.

I'll get this attached yet!!!!

Try2

Zen (updated!)
 

Maharishi Phucknuckel's Guide to Zen





Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just f*ck off and leave me alone.



The journey of a thousand miles begins with a brokenfanbeltandaflattyre.SPANFONTP



The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.



Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.



Remember, no one is listening until you fart.



Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.



Never test the depth of the water with both feet.



If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments



Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.



If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.



Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.



Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.



If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.



Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreens.



Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.



Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.



The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.



A closed mouth gathers no feet.



There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.



Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.



Never miss a good chance to shut up.



Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.



When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse


The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.



Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.



DM

Two cannibals kill a hunter in the jungle and they can't decide how to divide up the body.

They decide that one will begin eating the hunter from the head down and the other from the feet up.

The one struggles and struggles to eat the head and finally gets it down. He asks the other if he is enjoying the meal. To which the other replies "yeah I am having a ball!"

The one who had just finished eating the head then replies "SHIT YOU HAD BETTER SLOW DOWN!"

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long
>
>
>
> business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort
>
> with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd
>
> better buy her a little something to keep her occupied
>
> while he was gone.
>
>
>
> He went to a store that sold sex toys and started
>
> looking around for something special to please his wife
>
> and began talking to the old man behind the counter.
>
>
>
> He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well,
>
> we have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on,
>
> but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for
>weeks,
>
> "except," and he stopped.
>
>
>
>
>
> "Except what?" the man asked.
>
>
>
>
>
> "Nothing, nothing."
>
>
>
>
>
> "C'mon, plese tell me! I need something!"
>
>
>
>
>
> "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there
>
> is the Voodoo Penis."
>
>
>
>
>
> "So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
>
>
>
>
>
> The old man reached under the counter and pulled out
>
> a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols
>
> and erotic images. He opened it and there lay an
>
> ordinary looking dildo.
>
>
>
> The businessman laughed and said, "Big damn deal. It
>
> looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
>
>
>
> The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
>
> He pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo Penis, the door."
>
>
>
> The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted
>
> over to the door and started pounding the keyhole.
>
> The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so
>
> that a crack began to form down the middle.
>
>
>
> Before the door split, the old man said, "Voodoo Penis, return
>
> to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box
>
> and lay there quiet once more.
>
>
>
> "I'll take it!" said the businessman.
>
>
>
> The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special
>dildo
>
> and that to use it all she had to do was say 'Voodoo Penis, my
>crotch'.
>
>
>
> After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny
>and
>
> remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and
>said,
>
> "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!"
>
>
>
> The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was
>absolutely
>
> incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
>
>
>
> After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted
>and
>
> decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was
>stuck in her,
>
> still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it but, but nothing
>worked. Her husband
>
> had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
>
>
>
> Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could
>help.She put her
>
> clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with
>every thrust of the dildo.
>
> On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve
>all over the road.
>
>
>
> A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He
>asked for her license
>
> and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and
>twitching, she explained,
>
> "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got
>this Voodoo Penis thing stuck
>
> in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"
>
>
>
> The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in
>an arrogant voice replied,
>
> "Yeah, right..... Voodoo Penis, my ass!"
>
>
>
> The rest is history

4 beer moguls meet in a bar.....

they sit down, chew the fat and the server comes over to take their order....

the head of Miller orders a Miller Lite

seeing this was ok, the head of Anheiser Busch orders a Bud....

The head of Coors obviously orders his own drink....a coors...

the server then turns to the head of Guinness and asks, "and you sir?"

he responds, "I'll have a soda please."

the others turn to him and ask why he's not having a drink with them?

And the head of Guinness answers, "well if you're not having a beer, then neither am I"

A Pepsi salesman was visiting a tribe of cannibals hoping to make a sale.

"What do you like to drink with arms?" he asked the chief.
"Me like Pepsi with arms," came the reply.
"What do you like to drink with legs?" he asked the chief.
"Me like Pepsi with legs," came the reply.
"What do you like to drink with fingers?" he asked the chief.
"Me like Pepsi with fingers," came the reply.

Then, almost bashfully, he asked, "And, er, what do you like with ... ah ... that male thing?"
"Me like Coke with cock," repled the chief.
Puzzled, the salesman asked, "Why Coke ... you liked Pepsi with arms, legs and fingers?"

"Because," the chief smiled, "THINGS GO BETTER WITH COKE."

:)

F&C
 

Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper finds two finches
that have died of old age. He picks them up and places them in a sack.
After cleaning the cage he puts the sack in his wheelbarrow and moves on
to the next cage.

When he reaches the primate cage he finds two chimps who have also died
of natural causes. "Waste not, want not," he says as puts them in the
sack with the finches.

Later at feeding time, he flips the dead animals from the sack, into the
lions' cage.

"Bloody bore!" roars the lion. "Not finch and chimps again!"

Mailman's last day ...
 

Mailman's Retirement

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.

I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

HOW LATEX GLOVES ARE MADE
>
> A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was
>looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put
>on his gloves.
>
> "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
>
> "No, I don't" she replied
>
> "Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank
>of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in
their
>hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into
boxes
>of the right size.
>
> " She didn't crack a smile.
>
> "Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
>
> But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental
>procedure, she burst out laughing.
>
> "What's so funny?" he asked.
>
> "I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said .
>
> Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always
>working .
>

You might need a translator for these!
 

A Glesga burd walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the
counter. "Ah'll be back ra morra efternin tae pick up ma dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear. "Naw" she replies. "This time
it's mayonnaise."

Glesga burd enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says "Choose from our range on the wall." She says "Gies that rid
yin" The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."

A Glesga burd is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding.
The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?"
Girl: "OK"
Medic: "What's your name?"
Girl: "Morag."
Medic: "OK Morag, is this your car?"
Morag: "Aye."
Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
Morag: "Springburn."

A Glesga burd was driving down the M8 when her car phone rang. It was her
boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Listen Doll, I just heard on the news that
thur's a motor gawn the wrang wie oan the M8. Better watch yersel'!" "It's
no' jist wan motor!" said the girl, "There's fuckin' hunners o' them!"

Another Glesga burd was involved in a serious crash; there's blood
everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till
she's lying flat out on the floor.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Danielle: "Ok."
Medic: "Ok then how many fingers am I putting up?"
Danielle: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"

A question for Alassë - True?
 

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this....

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers"yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the city of Sydney drop to its knees with laughter. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Dave."

DJ: "Dave, are you married or what?"

Dave: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Dave: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Dave: "Sarah."

DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Dave?"

Dave: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Dave! Is she at work?"

Dave: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Dave: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Dave! Stay with me here!"

Dave: "About 8 o'clockthis morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Dave."

Dave: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Dave: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would never have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Dave: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"

Dave: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Dave. Where was it at?"

Dave: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Dave: "... and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Dave."

Dave: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it.

Okay folks, I will put Dave on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

3 minutes of commercials follow.

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tones....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "Speaking."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Dave for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Dave knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of' 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Dave: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Dave, what the hell are you up to?"

Dave (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Dave's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Dave.... uh, this morning before Dave went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, DAVE!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Dave: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sarah..... Where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the arse....."


After a long pause, the DJ said,

"Folks, we need to take a station break".





If it ain't true.......... it should be!!!

DM

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of animal to splatter every where, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"







(hang on, it is worth it...)







The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

A few quickies...........
 

Man rushes home, bursting through the front door of his house yelling to

his wife, "Pack your bags baby, I just won the lottery! All £10,000,000....

Woooohooo!!!!"

That's great sweetie" she replies, "Do I pack for the beach or the mountains?"

"Who cares", he replies, "Just f**k off!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------ --


A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up,and brings it

into the car.

"Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?", she asks.

Her husband replies "Put it between your legs to keep it warm. "

"But what about the smell?", she says

"Hold its nose.", comes the reply

------------------------------------------------------------------------ --


A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.

Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze".

"What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course", says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!!"


------------------------------------------------------------------------ --


A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes, mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with one of the finest looking pair of breasts I've ever seen was there so instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh', I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh' So she socked me a good one.

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable, mine was a tongue twister too.I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey' But I accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you fat evil slag'."




------------------------------------------------------------------------ --Phone Tale:

"Hello?"

"Hi, honey, this is Daddy .... Is your Mummy near the phone?"

"No,Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy right now"

"Uh, Okay, then ... here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run

upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?" he asks.

"Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's dead."

"Oh my God!!!!! And what about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool...but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and he's dead too."


***long pause***


***more pause****


Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? Is this 555-7039?"


DM