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Heckle Me Harder
A ventriloquist is sitting onstage at a comedy club. He and his
dummy are spurting out really crude blonde jokes, when a blonde lady sitting in the audience stands up. "I'm so sick of you people who think blondes are stupid. It's because of you that I have had to try harder to prove myself at work and in the community. There are just as many dumb people with red or brown hair. There are just as many smart people with blonde hair." "Gosh, Miss, I'm terribly sorry. I was just telling jokes, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." "Shut up! I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to that little jerk on your lap!":eek: :whiteghos :D :D |
Marital Bliss?
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor."
"Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell." "My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!" |
Two Texans were having lunch at their favorite restaurant when they noticed a young woman at the next table having trouble breathing.
One of the Texans got up, walked over to her table, took her face in his big Texan hands and said, "Kin ya swaller?" She shook her head 'no.' "Kin ya breath?" Again she shakes her head 'no.' The Texan grabs her around the waist with One of his big Texan hands, turns her over, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties and licks her right on the bottom! Of course the young woman was so shocked that she coughed causing the food to dislodge. The big Texan pulls up her panties, pulls down her skirt, turns her right side up, tips his hat and returns to his seat. His companion is sitting there stunned. "I have never seen anything like that in my whole life!" he says to his heroic friend. "Yeah, I tell ya, that Hind Lick maneuver works every time!" |
In England from an actual trial:
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested. When the case came before the court this was the man's reply when asked why he acted in such a manner: "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove Swelling". "I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident." He won the case. |
There's a brothel up on a hill - the kind that has red lights outside. There are four men near the brothel - one is running up the hill, another is walking down the hill, one is inside the place and another is in a helicopter hovering above. What is the nationalities of the four men?
The man walking down the hill - he's Finnish The man running up the hill - he's Russian The man inside the brothel - Himalayan and the man in the helicopter - well he's Irish....and he's waiting for the light's to change. |
Spellbound
I have a spelling checker, It came with my PC; It plainly marks for my revue Mistakes I cannot sea. I’ve run this poem threw it, I’m sure your pleased too no, Its letter perfect in its weigh, My checker tolled me sew. |
Chauvinism, as defined by Charlie Farquharson (a.k.a. Canadian comedian Don Harron):
"I’m not one of yer Showviznist mailprigs. Yer showviznist is sumbuddy hoo thinks HARASS is two seprit words." |
No offense to anyone particularly religious. I am a religious studies major and I thought this was hilarious...
Questionnaire from God Your God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions. 1. How did you find out about your deity? __ Newspaper __ Bible __ Torah __ Television __ Book of Mormon __ Divine Inspiration __ Dead Sea Scrolls __ My Mama Done Tol' Me __ Near Death Experience __ Near Life Experience __ National Public Radio __ Tabloid __ Burning Shrubbery __ Other (specify): _____________ 2. Which model deity did you acquire? __ Yahweh __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak] __ Jehovah __ Jesus __ Krishna __ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak] __ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak] __ Allah __ Satan __ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature __ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer) __ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin) __ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? __ Yes __ No If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply: __ Not eternal __ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos __ Not omniscient __ Not omnipotent __ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations) __ Permits sex outside of marriage __ Prohibits sex outside of marriage __ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera; Paul Iannone) __ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people __ Looks after life other than that on Earth (particularly that galaxy in Virgo that's full of Jews) __ When beseeched, He doesn't stay beseeched __ Requires burnt offerings __ Requires virgin sacrifices 4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please check all that apply. __ Indoctrinated by parents __ Needed a reason to live __ Indoctrinated by society __ Needed focus in whom to despise __ Imaginary friend grew up __ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense __ Hate to think for myself __ Wanted to meet girls/boys __ Fear of death __ Wanted to tee off parents __ Couldn't see why Geraldo should exist __ Needed a day away from work __ Desperate need for certainty __ Like Organ Music __ Need to feel Morally Superior __ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool __ Scatological material was falling out of the sky __ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it. 5. Have you ever worshiped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply. __ Mick Jagger __ Cthulhu __ Baal __ The Almighty Dollar __ Bill Gates __ Left Wing Liberalism __ The Radical Right __ Ra __ Beelzebub __ Barney T.B.P.D. __ The Great Spirit __ The Great Pumpkin __ The Sun __ Elvis __ Cindy Crawford __ The Moon __ A burning shrubbery __ Other: ________________ 6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply. __ Tarot __ Lottery __ Astrology __ Television __ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers __ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics __ Palmistry __ Playboy and/or Playgirl __ Self-help books __ Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll __ Biorhythms __ Alcohol __ Bill Clinton __ Tea Leaves __ EST __ CompuServe __ Mantras __ Jimmy Swaggert __ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle) __ Human Sacrifice __ Pyramids __ Wandering around a desert __ Insurance policies __ Burning Shrubbery __ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Barney Fife __ Other:_____________________ __ None 7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)? a. More Divine Intervention b. Less Divine Intervention c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right d. Don't know... what's Divine Intervention? 8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent): a. Disasters: flood 1 2 3 4 5 famine 1 2 3 4 5 earthquake 1 2 3 4 5 war 1 2 3 4 5 pestilence 1 2 3 4 5 plague 1 2 3 4 5 SPAM 1 2 3 4 5 AOL 1 2 3 4 5 b. Miracles: rescues 1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over jerkwater towns 1 2 3 4 5 crying statues 1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5 walking on water 1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5 Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever 1 2 3 4 5 9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary): If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by July 30 you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 10^9 , depending on number of beings entered). |
here's one
three nuns had died and were waiting at the pearly gates to be let into heaven. St Peter greeted them and explained to them that before they could enter, they first had to answer a question correctly. St Peter says to the first nun "How many apostles were there?" The nun replies "Oh my, that's an easy one. Twelve". Trumpets sounded, angels floated about, the gates opened and she was let into heaven. To the second nun "Who was Mary's husband?" To which the second nun say "Oh my, that's an easy one. It was Joseph." Trumpets sounded, angels floated about, the gates opened and she was let into heaven. Finally, St Peter asks the third nun "What were the first words that Eve said to Adam?" The third nun says "Oh my, that's a hard one...." Trumpets sounded, angels floated about.... |
My favourite fairy tale from when I was little... Always did 'gove a lood stove lory'. :D You have to read this one aloud to get the full effect.
Rindercella Time upon a once in a coreign fountry, there lived a geautiful birl, and her name was Rindercella. Now Rindercella lived with her mugly uother and her two sad blisters. Also, in this same coreign fountry, there was a very Prandsome Hince. And this Prandsome Hince was going to have a bancy fall. He invited people from riles amound, especially the pich reople. Now Rindercella's mugly uother and her two sad blisters went out to buy some drancy fesses to wear to this bancy fall, but Rindercella couldn't, so she just cat down and shried. She was kitting there shrying when all at once there appeared her gairy mudfather. Her gairy mudfather touched her with a wagic mand and there appeared before her a cig boach and hix site whorses to take her to the bancy fall. But the gairy mudfather said, "Be sure and be home before midclock strikes night or I'll purn you into a tumpkin." When Rindercella arrived at the bancy fall, the Prandsome Hince met her at the door because he had been watching behind a widden hindow. Rindercella and the Prandsome Hince nanced all dight until nidmight and they lell in fove. Finally the midclock struck night and Rindercella stanced down the rairs. Just as she beached the rottom, she slopped her dripper. The dext nay the Prandsome Hince went all over this coreign fountry looking for the geautiful birl who slopped her dripper. Finally he came to Rindercella's house. He tried the dripper on her mugly uother and it fidn't dit. He tried it on her two sad blisters and it fidn't dit. Finally, he tried it on Rindercella and it fid dit! It was exactly the sight rise! So they were married and lived hervily after happer. How the storal of the mory is this. If you ever go to a bancy fall, and you want to have a Prandsome Hince lall in fove with you, don't forget to slop your dripper. |
LOL....i heard a person read that out once and he was so good at it too
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Think that was Victor Borge, brilliant and sadly missed.
Loved his inflation skit, about Don Two (Don Juan inflated) |
Scorekeeping for Couples
Simple Duties You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings: +5 But return with beer: -5 You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5 You pummel it with a six iron: +10 It's her father: -10 Social Engagements You stay by her side the entire party: 0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy: -2 Named Tiffany: -4 Tiffany is a dancer: -6 Tiffany has implants: -8 Saturday Afternoons You visit her parents: +1 You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3 You visit her parents and stare at the television: -3 And the television is off: -6 You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear: -6 And you didn't even go to college: -10 And it's not really your underwear: -15 Her Birthday You take her out to dinner: 0 You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1 Okay, it is a sports bar: -2 And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10 You give her a gift: 0 You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10 You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1 You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2 You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months:+30 You wait til the last minute and buy her a gift that day:-10 With her credit card: -30 And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40 Thoughtfulness You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25 Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35 And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50 A Night Out with Your Pals You have a few beers: -9 For every beer after three, -2 again And miss curfew by an hour: -12 You get home at 3 a.m.: -20 You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30 And not wearing any pants: -40 Is that a tattoo? -200 A Night Out, Just The Two of You You go see a comic: +2 He's crude and sexist: -2 You laugh: -5 You laugh too much: -10 She's not laughing: -15 You laugh harder: -25 Driving You lose the directions on a trip: -4 You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10 You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15 You get lost in a bad part of town & meet the locals up close & personal: -25 She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60 Communication When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5 You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television or picking up a newspaper: +10 She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10 |
Its gross...but funny
The Shit List
GHOST SHIT: The kind where you feel the it come out, but there's none in the toilet. CLEAN SHIT: The kind where you know its out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper. WET SHIT: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains. SECOND WAVE SHIT: This happens when you're all done and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to do some more. POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD SHIT: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke. LINCOLN LOG SHIT: This is the kind that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush. GASSY SHIT: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling. DRINKER'S SHIT: This is the kind that you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait are the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet. CORN SHIT: Self explanatory. GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-SHIT SHIT: The kind where you want to, but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times. SPINAL TAP SHIT: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways. WET CHEEKS SHIT (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water. THE DANGLING SHIT: This one refuses to drop in the toilet even though you have done it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose. THE SURPRISE SHIT: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- it isnt a fart |
Bumper Stickers
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
"I love cats ... they taste just like chicken" "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes." "Cover me, I'm changing lanes." "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools" "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot." "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep" "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... ... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car." "The gene pool could use a little chlorine." "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian." "It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you." "Smile - it's the second best thing you can do with your lips." "Wink, I'll do the rest!" "I took an IQ test and the results were negative." "When there's a will, I want to be in it!" "If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?" "Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students!" "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better." "Give me ambiguity or give me something else." "We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse." "Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot." "He who laughs last thinks slowest" "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else" "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes." "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps." "I souport publik edukashun" |
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