OMG, DM. Those are something else. No doubt a local bakery? :D I can think of someone I'd like to surprise with a cake similar to one of those.

A man and a woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all her 40 years of marriage to the travelling salesman the woman never looked.

However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1,874.25 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out at a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?" The man thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth."

"Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." The woman was shocked but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later the woman asked the man, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" To which the man answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

Letter from a farm kid ...
 

LETTER FROM A FARM KID . . . NOW AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 A.M., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt.'s like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Gail

LOL!! Love it dicksbro!! :D



Aaaaaaahhhhh....... memories!! *sigh*

DM

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" the man replies.

"Can you get him for me?" she asks. "I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't", breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him", she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

Two factory workers were talking.
"I think I'll take some time off from work." said the man.
"How do you think you'll do that?" said the blonde.
He proceeded to show her...by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging
upside down.
The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and
asked him what on earth he was doing?
"I'm a light bulb" answered the guy.
"I think you need some time off," said the boss.
So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.
The blonde began walking out too.
The boss asked her where did she think she was going?
The blonde answered, "Home, I can't work in the dark".

A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

After a moment Sister responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm a Baptist."

The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."

Goodbye to the National Eagle Emblem
 

The government announced today that it is changing its emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects the government's political stance.

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!

Survivors
 

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's or even the early 80's, probably shouldn't have survived.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking)

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

Horrors! We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones. Unthinkable!

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video game sat all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms. We had friends! We went outside and found them.

We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.

Not REALLY Sexist!!!
 

MOOD RING

My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood
ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f*cking red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.


WOMEN'S HUMOUR

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said,
"This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.



A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman says, "I'll miss you."



Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour



He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly. She said - Well, you've succeeded.



He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.



He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat
bastard.



Q:What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A:45 minutes



Q:What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A:Through his chest with a sharp knife.



Q:Why do men want to marry virgins?
A:They can't stand criticism.



Q:Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A:Because those men already have boyfriends.



Q:What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A:The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

LMAO dm. Those are cute.

Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"

LOL jseal!

Walking into the bar, Joe said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Joe replied, "she came to me on her hands and
knees."

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

"She said, 'Come out from under that bed you little chicken shit!'"

There were two blonde guys working for the city council. One would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you're putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again."

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we're a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."