A naive young girl from a small town was visiting friends in San Francisco. She phoned her mom to let her know how she was getting along.

"Things are rather strange here. I see men who hold hands, kiss and hug each other. They`re called `gays` or homosexuals. Even more surprising, there are women here who do the same things and they are referred to as `lesbians`.

You probably won`t believe this, but some men here put their heads down on a woman`s private parts and do things with their tongues."

"Good Lord," her mom said, "what do they call them?"

"Well, after I caught my breath I called one of them PRECIOUS!"

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What`s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don`t know, but I`ve never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let`s have a word with him."

"Hi George. Say, what`s with that group ahead of us? They`re rather slow, aren`t they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that`s a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That`s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I`m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there`s anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can`t these guys play at night?"

One day a father takes his daughter to school. While driving there, there is a couple in the convertable infront waving their arms about having an arguement of somesort. Then the wife pulls out a knife and cuts her husbands dick off and throws it over the back of the car, landing on the car's windscreen behind.

The girl says,"Whats that on the windscreen dad?"

The dad replies,"Its a bug."

Then she says,"That bug sure has a big cock!"

Out in the woods there's a brook, hovering above it is a fly. Well there happens to be a fish watching that fly, thinking if it drops 6 inches, I can jump up and get it. There's also a bear watching the whole thing, thinking the same thought and when that fish jumps up for it, I'll snatch it out of the air.

Well, there just happens to be a hunter watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly, thinking when that fly drops and the fish jumps, I'll shoot that bear when he goes for the fish.

Wouldn't you know, there's a mouse watching the cheese sandwich in the hunter's pocket, thinking the same thought as everyone else and when the recoil of the rifle knocks the sandwich out of his pocket, it's all mine. There's also a cat watching the mouse, sharing the same thought as everyone else, thinking he'll get the mouse when it goes for the cheese.

Well wouldn't you know that fly dropped 6 inches, sure enough the fish jumped up and got it, then it was snatched out of the air by the bear, who was shot by the hunter. The recoil from the rifle dropped the cheese sandwich on the ground, which the mouse scurried on over to. And the cat, the cat stumbled as it went for the mouse and ended up in the brook. You know what the moral of the story is?

EVERY TIME THE FLY DROPS 6 INCHES, THE PUSSY IS BOUND TO GE WET!!!

Lmao!!!!!!!!!!!

World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end

A HOMELESS MAN'S FUNERAL

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, Ididn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost ... it's a man thing.

^^^^^^^lmfao^^^^^^^^^

Russ and Sam
 

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.' :(

LMAO. That's a good one.

When Insults Had Class


1. In the mid- to late-1800s, British Parliament members William Gladstone and Benjamin Disraeli not only belonged to opposing political parties, they disliked each other intensely. One day, while Gladstone was giving a major speech on some issue near and dear to him, Disraeli was kibitzing throughout the speech, drawing laughter from the Parliament members. Aware of this, Gladstone was getting angrier and angrier until he could no longer hold his temper. Pointing directly at Disraeli, Gladstone angrily exclaimed: "You, Sir, will either die in the hangman's gallows or of some unspeakable disease!"

Disraeli was on his feet in an instant and replied: "Only, Sir, if I embrace either your policies or your mistress."

2. "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approve of it." -- Mark Twain.

3. "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand.

4. "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating.

5."He has delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr.

6. "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time in reading it." -- Moses Hadas.

7. "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde.

8. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop.

9. "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West.

10. Lady Astor to Winston Churchill: "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
Winston Churchill's response: "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

11. "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill.

12. "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."-- Clarence Darrow.

If only my mind was that quick.

A man applied to become a Policeman.


The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"


"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

Confused
 

:confused: CONFUSED :confused:

I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired another farmer’s bull to 'Service' a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

You are now as enlightened as I am.

Why does that seem to make so much sense? LOL.