A teacher asks a blonde uni girl to use "handsome" in a sentence.

She says, "When I'm suckin' dick and my jaw gets sore, I use my handsome times."


Kinda brings a tear to ya eye!!!

Bottle of Merlot
 

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there,' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.


After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back....

^^^^ Lol! :roflmao:

Oldies and goodies.

Scottish insults: never piss of a Scotsman.


She had a fanny like a stab wound in a gorilla's back

Look's like she's been dooking for apples in a chip pan

Had more hands up her than sooty! (Sooty is a Brit handpuppet)

She's got a face like a dog lickin piss off a nettle.

It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe!

She's got a face that could make an onion cry.

I wouldn't ride her into battle.

Everyone has a right to be ugly, but she abuses the privilege

I wouldn't do her with a rusty pole

Mair chins than a Chinese phone book

She smells like an alkies carpet

She has seen more japseyes than an oriental optician

It's like shaggin a pail of water.

It's like shaggin the sleeve off a wizards cloak!

she's killed more cocks than a fowl butcher

Fanny like a ripped out fireplace

Face like a sand blasted tomato

Arse like a bag of washing

She sweats like a dog in a Chinese restaurant

She's seen more helmets than Hitler

Face like a stuntman's knee

She's got a fanny like a badly packed kebab

Like opening the window and shagging the night

She's seen more cockends than weekends

A left her with a face like a painter's radio

Fanny like a clowns pocket

Fanny like a Hippo's yawn

She's that ugly not even a sniper would take her out

I bet she's got a fanny like a pub carpet

More pricks than a second hand dartboard.

Face like a blind joiners thumb

She's done more lengths than Duncan Goodhew

She's been shot over more times than Sarajevo

Even the tide wouldn't take her out

Got more finger prints on her than Scotland Yard

Handled more balls than Dino Zoff

Piss flaps like John Wayne's saddle bags

She had a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout

A c*nt like a burst couch

A face like she's been ram raiding on scooters

She's had more seamen than Saltcoats

She's seen more stiffs than Quincy !

She's seen more cokes than a bottle of Bacardi!

Cocked m re times than Elmer Fudds shotgun

^^ Wow! That's harsh!


... funny, but harsh.

Don't blame me, I'm just the messenger.

They do have a way with words, don't they? :yikes:

[QUOTE=dicksbro]EVER WONDER?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny" for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

It's called taxes.

Q: What do you get when you cross a stripper with a model?








A: A boner.

I'll go to hell for this.

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
store. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, "Son, can
you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
coupla blocks and turn to your right."

Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't
even know the way to the fucking Post Office"

Philosophy joke
 

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or are about to repeat a rumor or send an e-mail.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first Test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what You are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary ..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really ..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

The Lie-Detecting Robot

John was a salesman's delight when it came any kind of unusual gimmicks.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up getting him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11-year-old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie," said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him of his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We reall watched a tape call 'Sex Queen'."
"I'm ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

:yikes:





:roflmao:

Got my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week, and recently got my daughter an iPod for hers, and was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for father’s day.

Got my wife an iRon for her birthday. It was around then the fight started......