Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused
her
>to
>fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees
that
>she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her
>baby.
>The doctor replies, " Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The
babies
>are fine. Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to
>herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she
asks
>the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
>"Denise," the doctor answers.
>The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was
wrong
>about my brother. I really like the name Denise." Then she asks the
doctor,
>"What's the boy's name?"
>The doctor replies, "Denephew."

Why We Love Children
>
>
>
>
> 1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but
>it was dead.
> "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
> "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the
>child innocently.
> You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
> "You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!'
>and it didn't move."
>
>
> 2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
> Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."
> "What?"
> "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
> "No, You had your chance. Lights out."
> Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
> "WHAT?"
> "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
> I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
> Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
> "WHAT!"
> "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
>
>
>
> 3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into
>mischief,
> finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
> The boy thought it over and said,
> "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the
>door
> until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay
>out!'"
>
>
>
> 4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm
> a mother was tucking her son into bed.
> She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor
>in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
> The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
> "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room"
> A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
> "The big sissy"
>
>
>
> 5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
>children's
> sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
> One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,
> as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
> "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
> The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on
>microphone,
> "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
>
>
>
> 6 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three
>year old
> came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into
> the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
> I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her
>tummy."
> "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
>
>
>
> 7 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
> "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
> Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
> His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you
>doing?"
> The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
> "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother
>asked.
> "Yes," he answered.
> Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are
>you teaching my son in math?"
> The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
> The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus
>two, that son of a bitch is four?"
> After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught
>them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
>
>
>
> 8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of
>Chicken Little
> to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
>Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken
> Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the
>sky is falling!"
> The teacher paused then asked the class,
> "And what do you think that farmer said?"
> One little girl raised her hand and said,
> "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
> The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
>
> 9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
> "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
> Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane
>Sugarbrown."
> The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
> "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
> She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
>
>
>
> 10 A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play
>with the boys?"
> Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're
>too rough."
> The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
> "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
>
>
>
> 11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
> She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair
>cut,
> eating a snack cake The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're
>gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
> She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
>

OK! Enough spin doctoring and fake feel good e-mails? Are you tired of all those sissy friendship poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here are a series of promises that really speaks friendship;



1. When you are sad - I will help get you drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.



2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.



3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.



4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.



5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.



6. When you are confused - I will use little words.



7. When you are sick - stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.



8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.



This is my oath... I pledge it till the end. Why, you may ask? Because you are my friend.



Remember: A good friend will help you move... A really good friend will help you move a body!



Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.

Anagrams anyone?!
 

This has got to be one of the cleverest
E-mails I've received in awhile.
Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!



DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER



DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE



THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME



ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT



MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S



A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE



ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:




PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS


Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands!

Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!!
DON'T FORGET TO SHARE THIS!

The Point System
 

In the world of romance, one single rule applies to the men: Make the
woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something
she dislikes, and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for
doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system

==============================

SIMPLE DUTIES:

You make the bed. (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow. (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants. (+5)
In the rain. (+10)
But return with beer. (-15)

You check out a suspicious noise at night. (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing. (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something. (+5)

You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10)
It's her pet. (-25)

==============================

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS:

You stay by her side for the entire party. (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
buddy. (-2)
Named Tina. (-4)

Tina is a dancer. (-10)
Tina has breast implants. (-80)
Really big breast implants. (-200)

==============================

HER BIRTHDAY:

You take her out to dinner. (0)

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar. (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar. (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night. (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
the colors of your favorite team. (-10)

==============================

A NIGHT OUT:

You take her to a movie. (+2)

You take her to a movie she likes. (+4)

You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)

You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
And it's called "DeathCop". (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans that was featured
on "Oprah". (-15)

==============================

YOUR PHYSIQUE:

You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts. (-30)

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-10,000)

==============================

ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION:

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
[Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT you say.]

You hesitate in responding. (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Any other response. (-20)

==============================

COMMUNICATION:

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned _expression. (0)

You listen for over 30 minutes. (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-5,000)

A man went into a local tavern and took a seatat the bar next to a woman patron. he turned to her and said, " This is a special day, I'm celebrating."

" What a coincidence," said the woman, "I'm celebrating, too".

She clinked glasses with him and asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"I'm a chicken farmer," he replied. "For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"What a coincidence," the woman said. "My huband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!

"How did your chickenss become fertile?" she asked

"I swiched cocks," he replied

"What a coincidence," she said

I really hope this isnt already in here somewhere but...

Why is it that when a woman dresses in leather a man gets all choked up, becomes weak in the knees, his heart beats fast, and he gets dizzy?

Because she smells like a new truck.

A letter I recieved......
 

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of
your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because
the last Gander family that lived here took the house numbers when they
moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about
it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen
them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knit, she put a third one in
because she heard you have grown another foot since she last saw you.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy said it would be too
heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and
put them in the pockets.

Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet
so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like
your brother.

Uncle Bobby fell into a whiskey vat last week.Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were
in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favourite Aunt,
Mom

I needed that laugh Penny.

You are welcome. :)

A woman's husband dies. He had $30,000 to his name.
> > > >
> > > >After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she
>tells her
> > > >closest friend that there
> > > >is none of the $30,000 left.
> > > >
> > > >The friend says, "How can that be?
> > > >
> > > >The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. and of course
I
>made a
> > > >donation to the church.
> > > >That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and
>drinks,
> >you
> > > >know. .. The rest went
> > > >for the memorial stone."
> > > >
> > > >The friend says, "$22,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how
big
>is it?"
> > > >
> > > >The widow says, "Three carats."

A couple had just gotten married and where alone together on their
first night. This was to be the first time they had made love and it
was while her new husband was getting undressed that she noticed a few
things about him. As her husband took off his trousers, the wife
noticed that his knees were all mangled and scared. She asked him what

at happened and the husband explained "as a child I had kneasels"
"Kneesels?" she asked, "what on earth is that?"
He replied, "Kneaseles are like measeles except they only affect the
knees".
He continued to undress and as he pulled off his socks his wife looked
at his toes and found that they two were all mangled and scared. She
asked about this and he replied, "oh as a child I had tolio".
"Tolio?" she asked, "what on earth is that"
He explained, "Tolio is like polio except it only affects the toes".
As he began to remove his boxer shorts she shouted, "Don't tell me, let
me guess- small cox".

In The News......

A woman has pleaded guilty to assault after attacking a male stripper
who failed to meet expectations at her daughter's bachelorette party.
Jacqueline McPoodle, was sentenced to 30 days of court supervision
in Greenfield, Illinois and was ordered to pay $2,000 to the victim.

The 28-year-old man suffered head injuries, bruises and scratches
when he was punched, kicked and hit over the head with a beer
bottle after his July 2002 performance at a local motel. Police said
the women partygoers became angered because while performing
allegedly a small potato fell out of the male stripper's briefs on to
the floor.

A baby was born so advanced in development that he could
talk.
He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.
"Are you my doctor?" he asked.
"Why, yes, I am," said the doctor.
The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me
during the birth."
He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"
"Yes, dear, I am," said the mother beaming.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was
born," he said.
He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"
"Yes, I am," his father proudly answered.
The baby motioned him closer, and then poked him repeatedly
on the forehead with his index finger. "Hurts, doesn't it!"

Sunday Sermon
 

I think this mom will never forget this particular Sunday sermon...

-----

"Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.

"Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice,

"Mom, what is butt dust?"

a funny one
 

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina State line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunk good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

yet another funny one
 

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband
and
>asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly
>aroused state her husband readily agreed.
>
>This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30
years,
>with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes
and
>other incidentals that she needed.
>
>Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her
husband in
>a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that
his
>employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he
had
>been let go. It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to
find
>another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and
>therefore, they were financially ruined.
>
>Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of
>deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him
>certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2
>million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors
in
>the bank. She explained that for the 30 years she had charged him for
sex,
>these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her
>savings and investments.
>
>Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her
>husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found
his
>voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I
would
>have given you all my business!"
>
>THAT'S WHEN SHE SHOT HIM!
>
>You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths
shut.

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students,one by one -

"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked.

"Just a minute, I have to go piss."

The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite!"

"What about you John, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table."

"And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."

:D

A woman walks into her doctor’s office and says “Doctor, I have this terrible rash.” She lifts up her sweater to reveal a large ‘M’ shaped rash.

The doctor replies, “Now that is the strangest rash I’ve ever seen.” The woman explains, “Well my boyfriend goes to Michigan and refuses to take off his letter sweater when we have sex.” The doctor shrugs his shoulders, prescribes some lotion and sends the woman on her way.

The next day another woman comes in with a very similar rash. “How did you get that?” the doctor asks.

“My boyfriend goes to MIT and he refuses to take his letter sweater off when we make love,” she says. The doctor prescribes some lotion and sends the young lady on her way.
The third day another young woman comes into the doctor’s office and she has a big rash in the shape of an ‘M’ on her stomach.

“Let me guess,” the doctor says. “Your boyfriend goes to Maryland?”

“No,” the patient replies, “My girlfriend goes to Wellesley.”

The Value of Securing a Second Opinion



The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure
your horrendous headaches.

The bad news is that it will require castration. You
have a very rare condition, which causes your
testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure
creates one heck of a headache. The only way to
relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."



Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had
anything to live for. But given the terrible pains
that he’d been suffering for years he felt that he had
no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the
hospital he was without a headache for the first time
in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an
important part of himself. As he walked down the
street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new
life, at last headache free.



He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's
what I need - a new suit." He entered the shop and
told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."



The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's
see... size 44 long."



Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been
in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.



As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman
asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a
moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe
and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.



As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman
asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and
said "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said,
"Let's see...9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's
right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60
years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit
perfectly.



Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the
salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe
thought for a second and said, "Sure."



The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said,
"Let's see...size 36."



Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34
since I was 18 years old."



The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size
34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up
against the base of your spine and give you one heck
of a headache."



ALWAYS get a second opinion..

A Bacon Tree?

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the
inevitable, when all of a sudden...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I sure of eet".
"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune,
and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back
bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat
you can imagine!!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don'
forget".

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon...ees
no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that... Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5
metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine
gun opens up, and Luis is cut down is his tracks. It is clear he is
mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?" "Speek to me!"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....

"Ees,










Ees,












"Ees, a Ham Bush!

LOL at the ham bush

Another from the ex-

Driving to the office this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my right
and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 140km/hr with her face
up close to her rear vision mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for
a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane
still working on that makeup!! It scared me (I'm a man) so much that I
dropped my electric shaver,which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against
the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the
coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my
mouth, ruining my shirt and disconnected an important call!!!

BLOODY WOMEN DRIVERS !!!

The boss was in a quandary, he had to get rid of one of his staff. He
had narrowed it down to one of two people, Susan or Jack. It would
be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both
did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever
one used the water cooler first would have to go.

Susan came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all
night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin
and the boss approached her and said, "Susan, I've never done this
before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Susan replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like shit."

The Seven Dwarfs

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are The Seven
Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey my son," says the Pope. "What can I do for you?" Dopey asks,
"Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
answers. "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey Turns around
and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship,
are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No
Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey
turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and
says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns any where in the world?"

"I'm sorry my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world"

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the
floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting "Dopey
screwed a penguin!" "Dopey screwed a penguin!"

This was in the Washington Post... the title of the article was "Best
>Comeback Line Ever." In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence,
a
>22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at
>11:38p.m. on Friday.
>
>
>
>Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public
>indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse
on
>Monday.
>
>
>
>The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he
decided
>to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there
was
>no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he
>stated in a phone interview.
>
>
>
>Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,
>picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut
a
>hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just
>really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
>
>
>
>In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County
>police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer
>Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for
>sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just
>working away at his pumpkin."
>
>
>
>Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.
>"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you
>are screwing a pumpkin?'
>
>
>
>"He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then
>looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn...is it
>midnight already?'"

More Witty Words of Wisdom:

If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a watergun and shoot
other people in the eyes.

Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you
for the rest of the day.

If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel
and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door
neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and
leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me"?

and the blond joke to end all blond jokes




A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a female police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.

The driver dug through her purse and was getting progressively more
agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It is square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

OMG. ROTFLMAO. :D :grin: :D

you like blonde jokes, db? here's another :D
not as funny and i'm typing it from memory



a gorgeous blonde speeding down the highway is pulled over. a male officer walks up to the driver’s side window and asks for her license and registration.

“license? registration? but i have no idea what they are!” she says.

“your registration is a slip of paper with the vehicle’s information on it, ma’am, and it’s most likely in your glove box. your license is a square card with your picture, birth date and address on it and it’s most likely in your wallet.”

“oh wait! i’ve seen those before. i can find them.” she rummages around a bit and hands them over to the cop.

as the cop asks examines the documents, he asks, “ma’am, did you know you were going 90 in a 55?”

“no! what’s going to happen to me now?” she asks

“i’ll have to give you a ticket.”

“a ticket! what’s a ticket?” she cries.

the cop looks left and then right, shrugs and starts to unzip his fly.

“oh no,” she says, throwing up her hands, “not another breathalyzer!”

Speaking of panties ...
 

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."

Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?", she asks.

"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties...".

The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

The man exclaims, "Damn-- this thing must be an hour fast!".

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking
up.
> A woman walked by and asked "What are you doing?"
>
> "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba,
"but we
>don't have a ladder."
>
> The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and
laid
>the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a
>measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
>
> Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb
blonde!
>We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"
>

LOL ... that was cute.

Short ... but corny cute VVVV ...

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"

"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

... and, since I'm on the Sunday School kick ...

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar.. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

"Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"

Football FINALLY makes sense..........
>A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had
great
>seats
>right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she
liked
>the experience.
>
>"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and
all
>the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing
each
>other over 25 cents."
>
>Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
>
>"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of
the
>game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
>quarterback!' I'm like...
>Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents"!!
>
>
>
>
>
>it's not what you take when you leave this world behind you;
>it's what you leave behind you when you go
>
>
>
>
>
>

When Jim met Sharon....They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the
evening. Sharon invited Jim to her place, where they quickly got involved
in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled
up close to each other.
After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Jim's manhood.

Surprised but appreciative, Jim comments, "Surely you can't be ready for
more already?" Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit
nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had my own."
:bang:

What your office needs!
 

Got these through my work Email today....... could REALLY have done with some of this!!

I know they're not ALL the same......!
 

But, having had the "pleasure" of meeting my ex-mother-in-law this afternoon, I can see where this is coming from!!

(Sorry to all the nice m-i-l's out there!!)

DM

Mom Talking About Her Sons
 

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now"

"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.

"Oh, so sad, dear" says the other.

"And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21"

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when
he was born".

"He's a martyr, too." says mum quietly.

"Oh gracious me ...." says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's18", she whispers.

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started
school".

"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at
the photographs and says...

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"