A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow, the horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm, but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving his friend from sinking.

A few days later, the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!". Grab my thingy and pull yourself up". The chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If your hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

LoveDiva4u---When the penis requested a raise in salary;he forgot to mention that he was constantly abused.His boss;beats
him all the time!You'ld love the T'shirt that my youngest daughter
gave me.It has multiple penis's on it.Each one has a saying;like
my closest neighbors are nuts.My other neighbor is an asshole,my
owner beats me all of the time,the rest of the time;I just hang
around,etc. Irish
P.S.It made a big hit with management when I wore it to work!
It also gets noticed at Wal*Mart.

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.

"Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?"

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention.

It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

"Why this is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Just look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"

"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin.

He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" exclaimed the grateful monarch. "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.

"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur. "My one and only true knight. Only you among all the nobles have been true to me.

What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"

But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.

Welcome to student life...

Departmental Grading

This is a list of the ways that my professors grade their final exams:

Dept Of Statistics:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

Dept Of Psychology:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

Dept Of History:
All students get the same grade they got last year.

Dept Of Religion:
Grade is determined by God.

Dept Of Philosophy:
What is a grade?

English Dept.:
Your final exam will be scored by totaling the weight of all the books you read this semester:
40+ pounds - A
30 pounds - B
20 pounds - C
10 pounds - D
-10 pounds - F

Law School:
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

Dept Of Mathematics:
Grades are variable.

Dept. Of Physics:
Grades are relative. but... All theoretical physics is really mathematics. See above.

Dept. Of Chemistry:
All theoretical chemistry is really physics. See above.

Dept. Of Biology:
All theoretical biology is really chemistry. See above.

Dept Of Logic:
If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

Dept. Of Marxist Studies:
The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of class
struggles. Therefore, everyone will now get the same grade!

Dept. Of Economics:
All of your grades, as a collection, will reach the level where your marginal
product (MP) of labour for each individual grade is equal.

Dept. Of Operations & Logistics Management:
Grades will be posted *at* 12:00 Noon. NOT 11:59 -- NOT 12:01

Dept Of Computer Science:
Random number generator determines grade, but... YOUR grade is an object in a class of its own.

Music Department:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the
corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).

While vacationing in the country, the big city man discovered that he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence.

He went into the small town near-by and found only an old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite obviously a local farm girl.

He asked, "Do you keep stationery?"

"Well," she giggled, "I can...until I have an orgasm, then I just go plain wild and crazy!"

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date.

The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"

Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."

Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."

Aussie Love Poem
 

:D

Of Course I Love You Darling
Your a bloody top notch bird
And when I say ur gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when i'm ready
There's something there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arm around there

No sheila that is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave into gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it's very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me Nannas grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter what ya look like
I'll aways love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And get me another beer!!

Author Unknown

there's something so great about aussie humour isn't there :D :D :D

Sharni---Sounds almost like the Fosters ads that are on TV all the
time.Some of there definitions really crack me up. Irish

Q. What do u call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A. A stick

After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary their position.

"For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs, penetrate, and off you go."

The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.

"Well, OK," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions. First if it hurts, you'll stop right away, and second," she insisted. "You must promise we won't go past my mother's."

A doctor made a house call on an elderly lady.

She was sprightly and healthy, and he remarked on her good condition.

"Have you ever been bedridden?" he asked.

"Oh my, yes," she said. "Several times, and twice in a buggy."

Two two-bit thieves decided to rob a bank together.

The first robber, we'll call #1, plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second robber, #2, in great detail.

The robbery begins. #1 drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to #2, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"

"Perfectly," said #2.

#2 goes in the bank while #1 waits in the getaway car.

One minute passes . . .

Two minutes pass . . .

Seven minutes pass . . . and #1 is stressed out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes #2, with the safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time #2 gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.

As the robbers are getting away, #1 says "You are such a idiot! I thought you understood the plan!"

#2 said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!"

"No, you idiot," said #1. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times." :D :D :D