Perfect Husband?
 

(I have a horrible feeling this has been posted before.... but I liked it anyway!!)


Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Bill asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Bill asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"

LOL DM. I don't know if it's been posted before, but it was a good one. Brightens the morning. Thanks.

Four guys are telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves for a bathroom break. Three guys are left.....and they begin to discuss their sons...

First guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."

Second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a Realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact, he's so successful he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday."

Third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. MY son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm but HE got a break too! They made HIM a broker and now he owns the brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich he gave HIS best friend $1 million in stock for his birthday."

Fourth guy comes back from the bathroom. The first three explain they're telling stories about their kids, so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son is a MAJOR disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact, I just found out he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But, I try to look at the bright side...he's doing quite well...a few of his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house, and $1 million in stock for his birthday."

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies........."

Wait for it...
























It's coming...
















The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
















She says :

























"You just happened to catch my eye."
_________________

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
"Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown,tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beat by a woman. Farting is man business, he thinks to himself.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he
strains really hard.... gives it
everything he's got... and accidentally sh-ts the bed. "What the hell was that?", asked the wife.
"Half time, switch sides.", said the old man.

Polish Sausage
 

A guy goes into the store and asks the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you: if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Huh? Would ya??" The clerk says "Well, no..."

With deep self righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, alright then, why the HELL did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk says "Because this is a hardware store."

TALKING CLOCK

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously? asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear- shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "You asshole...it's ten past three in the morning!"

DISASTER!!!
 

SIX DIE IN TRAGIC ACCIDENT!

Anyone like CAKES?
 

Just a wee selection of eye-watering confectionary!!




The ultimate blow-job?

Who was it that was into "titty sex" ???

Talk about an orgy!! ;)

One for Lilith perhaps??

On the beach!

This is what you CALL a hand job!!

Last one!
 

and it's for the Ladeez!!!

Hope you liked............... ;)


DM