All right, what have you guys done with the joke thread? Cheezncrackers, I can't leave this place for a couple of days without everything going to hell?!

We return you now to our regularly scheduled programming …
 

Two women meet at the Pearly Gates ...

1st Woman: Hi! My name is Amanda.

2nd Woman: Hey there! I'm Elaine. How'd you die?

1st Woman: I froze to death.

2nd Woman: How Horrible!

1st Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. Instead, I found him alone in the den watching TV.

1st Woman: So, what happened?

2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and then down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

Two Kiwis walked into a baah.

You Might Be A Redneck
 

You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, 'One nation, under God.'

You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

You might be a redneck if: You still say ' Christmas' instead of 'Winter Festival.'

You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays.

You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.

You might be a redneck if: You treat our armed forces veterans with great respect, and always have.

You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an American flag, nor intend to.

You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and raised your kids to do the same.

You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend.

Oh ewe! :baa:

More shear foolishness, sounds like to me.

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blistery day.

The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.

The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend, who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.'

The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said, 'My nose is cold.'

The girl replied 'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'

He did and warmed his nose.

The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, 'My penis is frozen solid.'

The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again and she asks, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?'

Concerned, the mother said, 'Why yes...... why do you ask?'

The daughter replies, 'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?'

Times are tough this year. One of my neighbours has had to cut way back.

Poor bugger.

Quite ironic that I'm admiring a copycat for his originality... :huh:

Vatican Humor
 

This is cute ...

-----

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph..

(Remember, the Pope is German..)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop...

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence. The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, 'How's the singing career going?'

Stevie replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?'

Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with knee and my
swing, but I think I've got that right now.'

Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to
stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all
right.'

Tiger says, 'You play GOLF?'

Stevie says, 'Yes, I've been playing for years'.

Tiger says, 'But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?'

Stevie Wonder replies, 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of
the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice, and
play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands,
the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway, and again I
play the ball towards his voice.'

'But, how do you putt?', asks Tiger

'Well', says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole,
and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball
towards his voice.'

Tiger asks, 'What's your handicap?'

Stevie says, 'Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer.'

Woods, says to Stevie, 'We've got to play a round sometime.'

Stevie replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play
for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole-----is that a problem?'

Woods thinks about it and says, 'I can afford that, OK, I'm game for
that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?'



Stevie Wonder says, 'Pick a night'

:thumbs:

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to

the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the

trunk. .







I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of

my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't

believe it!







They were in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching

drivers..







To my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men

which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of course,

traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving

like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.

He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he

was not a happy camper! 'What's going on here? '



'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly..

'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road? '



I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him,

'Helloooooo! Those are my emergency flashers!'

^^^^ :roflmao: