A Russian and an Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off
for the Olympic Gold medal match.

Before the final match, the Newfie wrestler's trainer came to him and said,
"Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.

He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has,
whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold!
If he does, you're finished!"

The Newfie nodded in acknowledgement. As the match started,
the Newfie and the Russian circled each other several times,looking for an opening.

All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Newfie and wrapping
him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his
face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.
He couldn't stand to watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes
just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air.
His back hit the mat with a thud and the Newfoundlander collapsed on top of him making the
pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, He asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold?
No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that
hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles
right in front of my face.

I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck
and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

"So," the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts."

Some friars needed to raise more money for books for the school, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good brothers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that "Only Hugh can prevent florist friars."

Signs


On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."

Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

A couple of old guys were golfing one day, when
one of the men said that he was going to go to
Dr. Smith for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His elderly friend remarked that he, too, had gone
to the same dentist a year ago.

"Is that so?" the first old gentleman asked. "Did he
do a good job?" The second gent replied, "Well, I
was on the golf course yesterday when the fellow
on the ninth hole hooked a shot. The ball must have
been going at least 200 mph when it smacked me
right in the nuts"

The first old guy was confused and asked, "What
does that have to do with your dentures?"

The second man answered, "That was the first time
in a year that my teeth didn't hurt.

Subject: JOB INTERVIEW

An office manager at Walmart was given the task of hiring an
individual
to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he
found
four
people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in
and
ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them
would
get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table
the
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A
THOUGHT."
It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way;
it's
just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?"
he
asked the second man.

"Hmm . . . . let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't
know
that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a
very
popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was
contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on
the
wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant.
Yep,
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and
thought
he
had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed
the
same question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous
answers,
it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I
wasn't
feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK,
BLINK, or
TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already %#@& in my pants!"

Old Bubba is the new "Greeter" at the local Walmart.

Be Careful What You Wish For
 

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR !!!! FOR EXAMPLE: THE OSTRICH

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke." Turning to the ostrich, he asks, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change!

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most! people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
>
>Customer: A white one...
>
>******
>
>Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
>
>Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
>
>Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
>
>Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note .."
>
>Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet.. it's still
>on my desk... Sorry...
>
>******
>
>Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
>
>Customer: Your left or my left?
>
>******
>
>Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
>
>Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
>
>Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and...
>
>Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
>Gates!
>
>******
>
>Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print Every time
>I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and
>placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't
find it...
>
>******
>
>Customer: I have problems printing in red...
>
>Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
>
>Customer: Aaaah...................Thank you.
>
>******
>
>Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
>
>Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
>
>******
>
>Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
>
>Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
>
>Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
>
>Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
>
>Customer: Okay.
>
>Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
>
>Customer: Yes.
>
>Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
>keyboard? Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
>
>******
>
>Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital
>letter V as in Victor, and the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital
letters?
>
>******
>
>A customer couldn't get on the Internet:
>
>Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
>
>Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
>
>Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
>
>Customer: Five stars.
>
>******
>
>Helpdesk: What anti-virus program do you use?
>
>Customer: Netscape.
>
>Helpdesk: That's not an anti-virus program.
>
>Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
>
>******
>
>Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screensaver on my
>computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
>
>*******
>
>And then there is my personal favorite!!
>
>
>
>Helpdesk: How may I help you?
>
>Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
>
>Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
>
>Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get
>the circle around it?

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but
>here is one:
>
>
>Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
>
>A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the
>birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch
says
>he cannot tell.
>
>Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says,
>"Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a
>beech or a son of a birch?"
>
>The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is
>neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
>
> It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
>
>
> Wipe that smile off your face ......

Taste Testing......

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. The children began to say:

Red............cherry,"
Yellow.........lemon,"
Green..........lime,"
Orange.........orange,"

Finally the teacher gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating them none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue, it's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled: Oh My God!!!! They're assholes!" ......

How to tell the sex of a fly
 

HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.


Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Irish Shopping
 

"Irish Shopping"

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

LMAO......those were all great DB

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for awhile, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned. "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast

Hillbilly helps choking victim
 

Hillbilly helps choking victim


Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly , a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

OMG I LUV IT thanks for the smile i needed it today!

~nikki

For I am a Princess


> An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay
>flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served
>them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing
>down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me
>to announce that he'll be landing this big scary plane shortly, so lovely
>people,
>if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip
>back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman
>hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute
>engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat
>us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I
>am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
>
>To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well,
>sweet-cheeks, in my
>country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."

Baptizing a Drunk.............

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon
a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water
and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up
and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for
a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks
again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in
the water again---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when
he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks
the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher, ..................

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?

The Potato Garden
 

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Fred,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over; you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad


A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Fred


At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Fred

Never Say To A Cop
 

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Office r! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee .Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Building a webpage
 

The 25 steps involved:

1. Download a piece of Web authoring software - 20 minutes.

2. Think about what you want to write on your Web page - 6 weeks.

3. Download the same piece of Web authoring software, because they have released 3 new versions since the first time you downloaded it - 20 minutes.

4. Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site - 1 minute.

5. Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like - 4 days.

6. Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again - 25 minutes.

7. Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do - 15 minutes.

8. View the source of others' pages, steal some, change a few words here and there - 4 hours.

9. Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software - 1 minute.

10. Try to horizontally line up two related images - 6 hours.

11. Remove one of the images - 10 seconds.

12. Set the text's font color to the same color as your background, wonder why all your text is gone - 4 hours.

13. Download a counter from your ISP - 4 minutes.

14. Try to figure out why your counter reads "You are visitor number -.E31610" - 3 hours.

15. Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text - 8 hours.

16. Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP - 40 minutes.

17. Accidentally delete your complete web page - 1 second.

18. Recreate your web page - 2 days.

19. Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISP's server - 3 weeks.

20. Call a patient friend to find out about FTP - 30 minutes.

21. Download FTP software - 10 minutes.

22. Call your friend again - 15 minutes.

23. Upload your web page to your ISP's server - 10 minutes.

24. Connect to your site on the web - 1 minute.

25. Repeat any and all of the previous steps - eternity!

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to
take
>any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing
>one letter, and supply a new definition.
>
>Here are this year's winners. None of them get through spell check.
>
>1. *Intaxication*: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
you
>realize it was your money to start with.
>
>2. *Reintarnation*: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
>
>3. *Bozone* (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright
>ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little
sign
>of breaking down in the near future.
>
>4. *Foreploy*: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
>getting laid.
>
>5. *Cashtration* (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject
>financially impotent for an indefinite period.
>
>6. *Giraffiti*: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
>
>7. *Sarchasm*: The gulf b etween the author of sarcastic wit and the
person
>who doesn't get it.
>
>8.* Inoculatte*: To take coffee intravenously when you are running
late.
>
>9.* Hipatitis*: Terminal coolness.
>
>10. *Osteopornosis*: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
credit.)
>
>11. *Karmageddon*: It's like, when everybody is sending off these bad
>vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious
>bummer.
>
>12. *Decafalon* (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
>consuming only things that are good for you.
>
>13. *Glibido*: All talk and no action.
>
>14. *Dopeler effect*: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when
>they come at you rapidly.
>
>15. *Arachnoleptic fit* (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've
>accidentally walked through a spider web.
>
>16. *Beelzebug *(n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into
your
>bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
>
>
>17. *Caterpallor* (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm
in the
>fruit you're eating.
>
>And the pick of the literature:
>
>18. *Ignoranus*: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
>

Those are great Soda! :D

Poor Uncle Frank..............
 

The Phone Call


((((RING)))) (((RING)))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

Brief Pause...

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? ....Is this 555-7039??"

A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that
there was a fortune in horse-racing, decided to purchase one and enter
it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for a
horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured
that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the
races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the
local
paper carried this headline:

PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the
race
again,
and this time it won. The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
pastor
not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper
headline
read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid
of
the
donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The
local
paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid
of
the
donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day the
paper
read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey
and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the
headlines
read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

Beans and Elastic baby
 

Beans For Dinner...

Beans, beans, the musical fruit,
the more you eat,
the more you toot,
the more you toot,
the better you feel,
so let's have beans for EVERY meal!!!

http://d93.k12.id.us/~tech/smile.html

KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO

Alabama
Heck Yes, We Have Electricity.



Alaska
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!



Arizona
But It's A Dry Heat.

Arkansas
Literacy Ain't Everything.



California
By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.



Colorado
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.



Connecticut
Like Massachusetts,
Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet.



Delaware
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.



Florida
Ask Us About Our Grandkids.



Georgia
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.



Hawaii
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum,Leave Your Money)



Idaho
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good



Illinois
Please Don't Pronounce the "S"



Indiana
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free



Iowa
We Do Amazing Things With Corn



Kansas
First Of The Rectangle States



Kentucky
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names



Louisiana
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourism Campaign.



Maine
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster



Maryland
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It



Massachusetts
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
or Most Tax Brackets)



Michigan
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians



Minnesota
10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes



Mississippi
Come And Feel Better About Your Own State



Missouri
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work



Montana
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies,
and Very Little Else.



Nebraska
Ask About Our State Motto Contest



Nevada
Hookers and Poker!



New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone



New Jersey
You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto
Right here!



New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets



New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right
To An Attorney...



North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable



North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!



Ohio
At Least We're Not Michigan



Oklahoma
Like The Play, But No Singing



Oregon
Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner



Pennsylvania
Cook With Coal



Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY An Island



South Carolina
Remember The Civil War?
We Didn't Actually Surrender



South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota



Tennessee
The Edyoocashun State



Texas
Sí, Hablo Ingles



Utah
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus



Vermont
Yep



Virginia
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?



Washington
We have more rain than you do



Washington, D.C.
Wanna Be Mayor ?



West Virginia
One Big Happy Family...Really!



Wisconsin
Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming
Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared

New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets


I think i might be moving there! roflmao!

The $5,000 Loan


> > A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and
asks for the loan
> > officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for two
weeks and needs to
borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will
need some kind of
security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the
keys to a new
Rolls
Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the
bank, she has
the
title and everything checks out.

>The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for
the loan. The
>bank's
president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at
the Blonde for
using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000
loan. An
employee
of >the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the
bank's
underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks
later, the blonde
returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which
comes to $15.41.
The
loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have
had your business,
and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but
we are a little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and
found that you
are
a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you
bother to borrow
$5,000?"

>The blonde replies....."Where else in New York City
can I park my car

>for two
weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I
return?"

It was a beautiful, warm spring morning. A man and his wife
were
>>>>>>>>> > spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a
loose-fitting,
>>>>>>>>>pink
>>>>>>>>dress -
>>>>>>>>> > sleeveless with straps.. He was wearing his usual jeans and
>>>>>>>>> > T-shirt.
>>>>>>>>> > As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in
front of
>>>>>>>>> > a
>>>>>>>>> > large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla
went
>>>>>>>>> > crazy.
>>>>>>>>> > He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2
>>>>>>>>> > feet),
>>>>>>>>> > he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
>>>>>>>>> > He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink
dress.
>>>>>>>>> > The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was
funny. He
>>>>>>>>> > suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by
>>>>>>>>> > puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played
along and
>>>>>>>>> > the
>>>>>>>>> > gorilla got
>>>>>>>>> > even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
>>>>>>>>> >
>>>>>>>>> > Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps
fall
>>>>>>>>> > to
>>>>>>>>> > show a little more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about
to >
>>>>>>>>>tear the
>>>>>>>>> > bars down.
>>>>>>>>> >
>>>>>>>>> > "Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,"
he
>>>>>>>>>said.
>>>>>>>>> > This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started
doing >
>>>>>>>>>flips.
>>>>>>>>> >
>>>>>>>>> > Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to
the
>>>>>>>>> > cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage
door >
>>>>>>>>>shut.
>>>>>>>>> >
>>>>>>>>> > "Now, tell him you have a headache."
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>

Not Another Blonde Joke ...
 

A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

(ready?)











"No, from skipping."

OMG that^^^was sooooo funny. my daughter loved it! ty!

Driving Too Fast
 

A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree.'

His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help," he said.

"I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.

"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!" The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies,

"Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"

You are welcome. :)

Women, you're in good shape as long as you can
still touch your toes.
Just remember, using your boobs doesn't count!

------------------------------------------

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

---------------------------------------

Hee Hee Heee

job history
 

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it ...mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice too my life but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED AND I FOUND I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

Poem for women

He didn't like the casserole,
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right,
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer,
I was looking for a clue;
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his Mother used to do.

Author Unknown

----------------------------------

Faking it........
 

Whether a woman fakes her orgasms or not, is something the majority of men would rather not question in case they discovered that she has been all along, and that they are not in fact the stud they thought women go wild for but rather a pathetic creature with a problem, who needs to be patronized.

For those of you who would prefer not to ask her, but would still like to know, there is a simple checklist to help you.

1. In the middle of lovemaking, and just before the moment it sounds as though she is about to have an orgasm, stop and take away the magazine she's been looking. If she says, "Dammit, I was reading that!" she was faking it.

2. If her panting, groaning and screaming are in tune, or sound like a familiar song, she can't be concentrating enough on the job at hand, and must therefore be faking it. Or else she really likes the song playing on her iPod.

3. A rule of thumb, which is usually very accurate, is: stop at random and record her response.

If every time you stop she says "Mmmmm, you were wonderful, baby" she is faking it. If she says "Don't stop!" she isn't.

However, if she says "Don't stop!" hours after lovemaking has finished, it is possible that she may have fallen asleep, and missed most of the excitement.

Picture this...
 

You're at a party. You've been drinking heavily and now you
are pretty drunk and need to use the facilities. You go down
the hall and open the door to this place.

:bsex:

A husband wrote a letter for his wife to find:

To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs
that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with
you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter,
hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be
spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn
Hotel. Please don't be perturbed - I shall be back home before
midnight."

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room
table:

My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54
years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach,
who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful
businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will
understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.

How To Shower
 

How to Shower Like a Woman: Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint enhanced conditioner. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

" How To Shower Like A Man "

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower. Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light & fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with you.