What do you call a man with a spade stuck in his head?

Doug.

What do you call a man with a trowel in his head?

Douglas

beat ya to it OF....sorry :(

What do you call a man with no arms or legs on your doorstep?

Matt

Legend
 

Sorry bloke, missed them.

Nubian---As an aside;this strikes me funny and brings back funny
memories.Regarding your thread 30 Harsh things a woman can
say----.It brings back a memory to me that she would deny--Straight front--Accountant,Bookkeeper,business professional,etc.
Is completely different with me.
I used to lie on the bed with an erection(hard-on)pointing up
my stomach.She would ask me to make it twitch and jump.I could
do this easily by tightening my stomach or groin muscles!
That's the first thing that I thought of when I read #5. Irish
P.S.It's funny that you remember; the things; that you do!I'm
talking about my wife.I always compared our relationship to a
magnet.Likes repell and unlikes attract.I was wild and she was straight acting!

LOL and LMAO. You're one of a kind Irish, one of a kind.

For those of us with daughters.
 

*DADDY'S TEN RULES OF DATING*

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come
off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my
daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something
useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon
as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car --there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Nubian---You must be right when you say that I am one of a kind!
My wife and daughters agree with you.They always told me that after they made me that they broke the mold.One of the rules for
daughters boyfriends that you forgot is to show them your gun
collection and explain to them that you shoot-"Expert"I used to
delight in showing them my new stainless 44Mag. Redhawk that
I had accurised and explain to them that was what I used when
I competed in Handgun Competions.They treated my daughters
very well after that speech. Irish

Irish, I must keep that in mind. I'm sure it will be handy someday.

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO Prostitutes - $50.00"

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "Jesus Saves."

One of the girls asked the cop: "how come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."

The Heights Of Ecstasy...



The Italian says, "When I've a finished makina da love with my girlfriend, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees. She floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy."

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Av'ave finished making ze love to ze girlfriend, Ah kiss way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure exstasy."

The Newfie says, "Dat's nuttin bye! When I finish doin me missus, I gets out of bed, walks over to da window and wipes me dick on the curtains.She hits da fuckin' roof every time." :D :D :D

A lady wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in her tree.

She looks in the phone book and finds a gorilla removal service. When she asks if they can remove the gorilla, the service guy asks, "Is it a male or female?" "Male," she replies. "Oh yeah, we can do it. I'll be right there," he states.

An hour later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the woman some instructions.

"I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will go to bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself, allowing you to put the handcuffs on him."

The woman asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"

The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla does, shoot the Chihuahua."

Subject: raise request...

"REQUEST FOR A RAISE"

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:

-I do physical labour
-I work at great depths
-I plunge head first into everything I do
-I do not get weekends off or public holidays
-I work in a damp environment
-I don't get paid overtime
-I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
-I work in high temperatures
-My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Signed,
Penis

************************************************** **
Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, The administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

-You do not work 8 hours straight
-You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
-You do not always follow the orders of the management team
-You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
-You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
-You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
-You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
-You'll retire well before reaching 65
-You're unable to work double shifts
-You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work
-Your frequently sick on the job
-And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.


Sincerely,
TheManagement

How to Impress the Opposite Sex...
 

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

Compliment her
Cuddle her
Kiss her
Caress her
Love her
Stroke her
Tease her
Comfort her
Protect her
Hug her
Hold her
Spend money on her
Wine & Dine her
Buy things for her
Listen to her
Care for her
Stand by her
Support her
Go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

Show up naked.
Bring beer.