LS, you're just stringing us along.

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."

For dicksbro
 

Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

'Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......'

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?'

The Dentist




A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled.. The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot. 'No way! No needles! I hate needles,' the patient said.




The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man
objects. 'I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocating me!'




The Dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says.. I'm fine with pills.' The Dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.'




The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'




'It doesn't,' said the Dentist, 'but it will give you something to
hold on to when I pull your tooth.

:roflmao: Good one! Thanks. :thumbs:

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known necking spot.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light Brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a Computer magazine. He immediately notices a young Woman in the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car And gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"
The cop says: "What are you doing?"
The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat The cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting A pullover sweater."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane... And nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The Young man says "I'm 22, sir."
The cop asks: "And her...what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.

Lmao. I'll have to remember that one Booger.

9 months later!!!

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.

'Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... You know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)

I've heard that


*choke*


our favourite


*choke*


Kermit the Frog


IS DEAD!!!!


His last


*choke*


words were . . . . . . .











Bitch pig told me she was clean.

A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed. The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied,

Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Traffic Cop: You what!?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.


Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands
it to the officer

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my
officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car,
and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the bastard told you I was speeding, too.

:roflmao:

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'
The Aussie said 'One!'
The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64p.'
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.' 'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the
Coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'
'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4.
The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'
'No, no, no... He came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said... 'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

Lmao!!!!!!!!!!!!

:rofl: