:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Be careful what you wish for.

Kinda Reminds me of PF....

2008's First Christmas Joke:


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just
what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins.....

Santa love to give gifts and even likes to get them.

Did you hear about the man who . . . You have?

Sorry.

centipede

Centipede who? :confused:

I know (snigger snigger).

You can have it wyndhy.

An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato Garden, but it was very strenuous work as the ground was rock hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
Love,
Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love,
Vinnie

Because his mail had been censored at the prison, at 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

:p:D


centipede on the carpet again this year.

The version I heard was "centipede down the chimney and wet aaaaaall the presents".

I just thought I'd try this.

http://lh3.ggpht.com/_hVOW2U7K4-M/S...hematicains.jpg

This one's for PF and the numbers folk.

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church .
One day he was walking down the High Street and he
noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub
drinking beer.

The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open
door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs
Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member
of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,'
she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave
back and forth.

The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and
grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost
their Balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up
on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have
any of that carrying on in this pub.'

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you
don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.' The landlord nodded and
said,
















'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'

:roflmao:

Whether Democrat or Republican, you should get a kick out of this!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family , so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so! we call her the
Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you
the People.


The nanny, we will consider her the
Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.

S o the little boy! Goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely
soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back t o bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, ' Dad , I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.

The little boy replies,
The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and the
Future is in deep shit.