One can but hope.

The concept is growing on me, but I'd have to emigrate...plus there's a big embargo potential running thru the West, unless Canada wants to join New Calif...

It's funny, now it seems the North wants to run away from the South.

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decided to go on a picnic. So Mick packed the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches.



The trouble was the picnic site was ten miles away so it took them ten days to get there.



When they got there Mick unpacked the food and beer. 'Ok Les give me the bottle opener.'



'I didn't bring it,' said Les. 'I thought you packed it.'



Mick got worried; He turned to Alan, 'Did you bring the bottle opener??'



Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they were stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener.



Mick and Alan begged Les to go back for it, but he refused, saying they would eat all the sandwiches.



After two hours, and after they had sworn on their tortoise lives that they would not eat the sandwiches,

he finally agreed. So Les set off down the road at a steady pace.



Twenty days passed and he still wasn't back and Mick and Alan were starving, but a promise is a promise.



Another five days and he still wasn't back, but a promise is a promise.



Finally they couldn't take it any longer, so they took out a Sandwich each and just as they were about to eat it,


Les popped up from behind a rock and shouted........



















'I KNEW IT...I'M NOT FUCKING GOING!'

SEX AFTER DEATH


A couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact,


'Judy .Judy!'

'Is that you, Steve?'

'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'


'That's wonderful! What's it like?'


'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have Breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud
- lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.'


'Oh, Steve you surely must be in Heaven!'
'Not exactly... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Port Macquarie.'

:roflmao: ^^^^^

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: @ the tortoise joke ^^^ :p

A mother and her young son were flying Virgin Blue from Brisbane to
Melbourne . The son (who had been looking out the window turned to his
mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby
cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the
flight attendant. So the boy asked the flight attendant, 'If big dogs
have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have
baby planes?'

The flight attendant responded, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?'
The boy admitted that this was the case.

'Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because
Virgin Blue always pulls out on time. Ask your mother to explain that to you.'

Paddy was a youthful and hard working Irishman at a coastal village in Ireland .
Daily he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea then work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local ice works. He was a man of regular habits he always arrived home each day at a certain time.
Sadly, Paddy
did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart.

One day he failed to come home so his wife contacted the Police to investigate him being missing. They rowed out and found Paddy dead in the punt beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he'd tried to hoist aboard. Headlines next day in the 'Irish Times Newspaper'
said.....................






wait for it!










wait for it!




















************************






OYSTERS KILPATRICK !!!!

In Chicago, a truck carrying a load of Viagra was hijacked. Police believe the crime was commited by hardened criminals.

**ALL PUNS INTENDED "*

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does
this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were
nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I
couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other
and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire
in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you
can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked
them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a

family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture,
she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of
Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan,
you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also
ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad,
it's good) .. a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out
that there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns
to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would
make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

One thing about Australians is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place!



T. B. Bechtel, a part-time City Councilman from Newcastle, was asked

on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought of the allegations of

torture of the Iraqi prisoners.


His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous

applause from the audience.



HIS STATEMENT:

'If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's nuts to a car's battery cables will save

just one Australians life, then I have just three things to say,'


'Red is positive,

Black is negative, and

Make sure his nuts are wet.'

:yikes:^^

knock.
knock.

Who's there?

some of these may have been posted before but are still funny



One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy n ightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.



A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'




Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.







A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course , he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters & nbsp;
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'




Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'






A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'






Fifty-one years ago, Herm an James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.