CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED

Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are
Dementia --- I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas
Narcissistic --- Hark The Herald Angels Sing About Me
Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and......

Paranoid --- Santa Claus Is Coming to Get Me
Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting On An Open Fire
Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells

This is terrible...
 

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian: "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says: "Your wish is granted." And, lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself
becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn.

He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his
friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

"Christian replied: "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the
enemy and I'll not be tricked."

Justin cried back: "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed",



wait for the punch line:




keep going




"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian".

OMG ROTFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:D Scotz that was horrid.........go to my dungeon:p

An even worse tale.

Two European backpackers, a girl from Paris and a boy from Prague were swimming in a waterhole inhabited by a large mated pair of crocodiles. Both went missing.

Rangers came out and shot the crocs.

They opened up the female and found the french girl.

One ranger turned to the other and said, "Just as we suspected,

















The Czech's in the male."

*groan*:D......there is space for you in the dungeon too Oldfart........ you both need to be





pun ished:p

Used this one in a speech to illustrate how slang words can cause confusion--

There was a penguin called Pubert driving around Arizona. His car started to make a strange sound, so he brought it to the first mechanic he ran across.....Fred. Fred told Pubert to come back in an hour and he would know what was wrong. Being as it was hot, and penguins don't like the heat, Pubert went to an ice cream shop and ate a great deal of vanilla ice cream. With his little flippers, he splashed ice cream everywhere. When the hour was up, he went back to the mechanics. Fred met him outside and said, "Well, it looks like you blew a seal." Pubert, embarrassed replied, "Oh, no, it's just vanilla ice cream, I swear!"

Great scientific logic on the nature of Hell.....
>
> >The following is an actual question given on a
> University of Washington
> >engineering mid-term. The answer was so "profound"
> that the Professor
> >shared it with colleagues, and the sharing
> obviously hasn't ceased...
> >Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat)
> or Endothermic
> >(absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote Proofs
> of their beliefs using
> >Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and
> heats when it is
> >compressed) or some variant. One student, however,
> wrote the following:
> >"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is
> changing in time. So we
> >need to know the rate that souls are moving into
> Hell and the rate they
> >are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that
> once a soul gets to
> >Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
> leaving. As for how many
> >souls are entering Hell, let us look at the
> different religions that exist
>
> >in the world today. Some of these religions state
> that if you are not a
> >member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
> Since there! are more than
> >one of these religions and since people do not
> belong to more than one
> >religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
> With birth and death
> >rates as they are, we can expect the number of
> souls in Hell to increase
> >exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change
> of the volume in Hell
> >because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
> temperature and pressure
> >in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to
> expand as souls are
> >added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is
> expanding at a slower
> >rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then
> the temperature and
> >pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
> breaks loose. 2. Of course,
> >if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
> increase of souls in Hell,
> >then the temperature and pressure will drop until
> Hell freezes over. So
> >which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me
> by Teresa Banyan
> >during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold
> day in Hell before I
> >sleep with you", and take into account the fact
> that I still have not
> >succeeded in having sexual relations with her,
> then, #2 cannot be true,
> >and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will
> not freeze."
>
>
> >This student received the only A.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably, Innovative, Preliminary, Proliferation, Cinnamon.

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity, British Constitution, Passive-aggressive disorder,
Loquacious,
Transubstantiate.

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing!

Musician Jokes

What is the difference between a high school choral director and a chimpanzee?
It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans.

Definition of an optimist: a trombone player with a pager

What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
The chain saw has greater dynamic range.

What's the least-used sentence in the English language?
"Isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"

There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.

Female five string banjoist shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded
shopping mall: "Don't forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string."

How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better.

How do you make a bass player turn down the volume?
Put a chart in front of him.

What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
Counterpoint.

Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?

If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first?
Who cares?

What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

What do you call ten accordians at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

What's a bassoon good for?
Kindling for an accordion fire.

What's an accordion good for?
Learning how to fold a map.

What do you call a group of topless female accordian players?
Ladies in Pain

Bumper Stickers:
1.Play an accordian--go to jail!
2.Three rows and you're out!

Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:
Violinist: 25 feet
Bad Violinist: 50 feet
Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
Accordionist: 60 miles

>>A "Chang" is a Central Asian instrument (from countries such as
Uzbekistan). It's something like a hammered dulcimer with a
damper pedal.<<

How long does it take to tune a chang?
Nobody knows.

Why is it so difficult to tune a chang?
So that violist can feel superior about something.

Q: How many chang players does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them. One to twist the bulb for several hours, and the other one to decide that it's as good as it's going to get, and that they might as well flip the switch.

What's the difference between an Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered dulcimer?
A hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an Appalachian dulcimer burns longer.

How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.

What happens if you play country music backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.

What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.

What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
"I didn't wake up this morning..."

What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
Eventually the puppy stops whining.

How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
1."One, two, three, one, two, three..."
2."Hey man, I just do sound."
3.One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.

How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.

How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.

Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
Start with two million.

How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
1.None. Jazz musicians can't afford light bulbs.
2."Don't worry about the changes. We'll fake it!"

How do you turn a duck into a soul artist?
Put it in the oven until its (it's) Bill Withers.

Micheal Caine goes up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking there?" "It's a Lawrence Welk." says Milton. "What's a Lawrence Welk?" Micheal asks. Milton says "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it."

Angus was asked why there were drones on the bagpipe when they make such a distressing sound. He answered, "Without the drones, I might as well be playing the piano."

Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah! The second musician says,
"I was a jazz musician...kill me now!"

I was playing in a night club, and getting few requests and small tips. Towards the end of the night, a man walked up with a wad of bills in his hand and asked me to play a jazz chord. I played an Amaj7. He said, "No, no. A jazz chord." I did a little improvisational thing, but he didn't like that either. "No, no, no! A
jazz chord. You know, 'A jazz chord, to say, ah love you.'"

Son: Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician.
Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both.

A Jazz musician was told by his doctor, "I am very sorry to tell you
that you have cancer and you have only one more year to live." The Jazz musician replied, "And what am I going to live on for an entire year?"

What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.

Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.

What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.

What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete?
Not enough concrete.

Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival?
The good news: it crashed.
The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.

What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor?
There are some things a pig just isn't willing to do.

What is the ideal weight for a conductor?
About 2 1/2 lbs. including the urn.

What's the difference between God and a conductor?
God knows He's not a conductor.

A guy goes to the doctor. He says "hey doc I have a problem, my dick turned orange." The doc thinks for a minute then asks "have you had any notable changes in your daily routine?" The man responds "well since i've retired all I do is sit around watching porn and eating cheetos."

[QUOTE]Originally posted by dicksbro
[B]Some cute limericks:

Here's another:

There once was a man from Nantucket
whose dick was so long he could suck it
he said with a grin as he wiped off his chin
if my ear was a pussy I'd fuck it

Another joke, made me laugh.

Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a docter, one was a lawyer, the other was a biker. After a sip of his martini, the docter said; " You know tommorow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure that if she doesn't like the ring at least she'll like the Mercedes, and know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she'd at least like the trip and she'd know that I loved her."
The biker then took a swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well for my anniversary I bought my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I figured that if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go fuck herself."

A couple had been married for 20 years. Whenever they made love the husband insisted on turning off all the lights. The wife thought this was a little ridiculous, so she decided to break him of this habit. One night they were in the middle of wild, screaming sex, she turned the lights on. When she looked down she was quite surprised, and not too happy to find that her husband was impotent. He was using a dildo on her. "You impotent bastard", she screamed, "You have some explaining to do". Her husband looks her calmly in the eye, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids".

A man has suffered from migraines for like 20 years.
He finally goes to the Doc and the Doc says... "Well, I know what causing your headaches... it's your testicles... they are pushing against your spine and that causes the headache The only treatment is castration." So the man reluctlantly aggrees and has it done. He is very depressed and finds himself meandering about town and he finds himself outside a Men's clothing store and figures a new suit may help him feel better. The owner, an eldery man, comes to help him and he says he'd like a new suit. The man looks him up and down and says, "44 long." The newly castrated man says, "Incredible! That is right... how'd you know?" The old man says, "60 years in the business is how I know." So he tries the suit on and it fits perfect and he is feeling better, so he decides he needs a new shirt. Again the old man looks at him hard and pegs his shirt size dead on. The man is just amazed. The old man says again, "60 years in the business, you just learn to know these things." The guy decides shoes would be great too. "9 1/2," the old man replies... another perfect match. Finally the guy says he better get some new underwear. The old man looks at him again and says... "size 36." The guy exclaims, "HA! Got you that time old timer, I've worn 34's for some 20 years now." To this the old man says, "You can't wear 34's!"
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They'll push your testicles up into the base of your spine and give you a hell of a headache...

A CHris Rock fav...

It's a strange world when....


The best pro golfer is BLACK



The tallest guy in the NBA is CHINESE



The most famous rapper is WHITE



The French accuse the Americans of being ARROGANT



The Germans don't want to go to WAR



...And the three most powerful men in the world are named



Bush



Dick



and Colon