guy goes to the dentist with a tooth ache,dentist looks at the tooth decides it has to come,guy say's ok .dentist gets the needle ready but the guy say's
sorry i can't take needles no way,ok say's the dentist i have some gas,oh no say's the guy i'll be sick for two day's with the gas,no problem replies the dentist,i'll be right back,a minute later he returns with a pill and cup of water,here he say's take this,guy swallows the pill and asks what it was,viagra replies the dentist,guy asks,will it kill the pain no the dentist replies
but it will give you something to hold onto when i pull that tooth out.

guard dog
 

nice doggie...

A Child's Wisdom..

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that
they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she
asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would
get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?", her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could
have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that
maybe we're not all bad, and maybe he'd start loving people a little
bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love
everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell
everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound
pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the
Marines could blow the poop out of him."

At the vet's
 

Three dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer, and a Labrador are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.
The Doberman turns to the Boxer and says, "So why are you here?" The Boxer replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the cat, the kid, but the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The Doberman says, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Lethal injection," came the reply from the sad Boxer.
The Doberman then turns to the Labrador and asks, "Why are you here?" The Lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the Doberman inquired. "Lethal injection," the dejected Labrador said.
The Labrador then turns to the Doberman and asks what he's at the vet's office for. "I'm a humper," the Doberman says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The Boxer and Labrador exchange a sad glance and say, "So, lethal injection for you too, huh?"
"No, no," the Doberman says, "I'm here to get my nails clipped."

OMG now i havnt heard that before ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ to damn funny


~nikki

25 Ways to say "I Love You".
 

Spain
"Te Amo"

France
"Je T'aime"

Germany
"lch Liebe Dich"

Japan
"Ai Shite Imasu"

Italy
"Ti Amo"

China
"Wo Ai Ni"

Sweden
"Jag Alskar"

Alabama
Arkansas
Kansas
Oklahoma
Texas
North Carolina
South Carolina
Georgia
Tennessee
Idaho
Missouri
Mississippi
Montana
Louisiana
Virginia
West Virginia
Kentucky
*parts of Florida

" Nice Ass, Get in the truck."

I was driving with my three young children one warm
summer evening
when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up
and waved. She was
stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard
my five-year-old
shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't
wearing a seat belt!"
- ------

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom
to tell me he'd
dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it
out and threw it in
the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a
moment, then ran to my
bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it
up and said with a
charming little smile, "We better throw this one out
too then, 'cause it
fell in the toilet a few days ago'."

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss
>>> each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a
little
>>>horny. With an air of
>>> confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall
and,
>>>
>>>smiling, he
>>> says to her "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"
>>>
>>> Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents
will see
>>>
>>>us!"
>>>
>>> "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
>>>
>>> "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
>>>
>>> Horny as hell he says, "Oh please, please, I love
you so
>>>
>>>much!"
>>>
>>> "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
>>>
>>> "Oh yes you can. Please?"
>>>
>>> Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on,
and
>>>the girl's little sister
>>> shows up in her pajamas, and in a sleepy voice she
says:
>>>
>>> "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob.
Otherwise
>>>I can do it. Or
>>> if need be, Dad says he can come down himself and
do it.
>>>
>>>But for God's
>>> sake tell the asshole to take his fucking hand off
the
>>>intercom!"
>>

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and
>>>>pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could
get
>>>>rid
>>>>of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of
>>>>intolerable, she kept silent. The next morning, the man woke his
wife
>>>>with
>>>>a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed
these
>>>>up, we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent
response, so
>>>>she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in
>>>>place,
>>>>she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the
>>>>gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother.

Our local amazing cartoonist.
 

Have you ever wondered . . . ?

A parent's prayer.


Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot

May I lie back--not have to think
about what they're stuffing down the sink,
or who they're with, or where they're at
and what they're doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!;)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean--
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)

Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know--

Is Hell exothermic or endothermic?
 

Got this from a friend and thought it was really cute. Hope you enjoy.

-----

Is Hell exothermic or endothermic?

This is as close to brilliant as you can get....

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at
which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls
in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

> > THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME
>
> According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and
female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop
their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to
mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give
birth in the spring.
>
> Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's
reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a
girl.
>
> We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a
red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

You Just Might Be A Scrooge...

If your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon -- you just might be a Scrooge.

If you turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away -- you just might be a Scrooge.

If you buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas -- you just might be a Scrooge.

If your favorite version of "Babes in Toyland" stars Michael Jackson -- you just might be a Scrooge.

If you get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night -- you just might be a Scrooge.

If you give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts -- you just might be a Scrooge.

If your prized Christmas ornament is Santa Claus shooting the moon -- you just might be a Scrooge.

If your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park -- you just might be a Scrooge.

If your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log -- you just might be a Scrooge.

If you think "Ho, Ho, Ho" is a line from a Rocky movie -- you just might be a Scrooge.

If your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and reindeer meat -- you just might be a Scrooge.

If your favorite version of "Silent Night" is sung by OJ Simpson -- you just might be a Scrooge.

If your favorite past time is putting defective bulbs in your neighbors' string of Christmas lights or defacing Christmas lawn charicatures with egg nog -- you just might be a Scrooge.

And, finally - if your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin -- you just might be a Scrooge.

rotting pumpkin? :confused:



LMFAO!!!!!

Leftover from Halloween.

The Dead Duck


A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

In The Bible



So It Is Written

A priest was lecturing on the Bible one Sunday morning. He said to
the congregation, "You know, the Bible has an answer for everything.
The reason for that is that the people in the Bible have all, at one
time or another, been in the same situations you have."

"Even PMS?" a woman asked.

"Yes, I assure you, PMS is in there. Tell you what, I'll look for it
and tell you the passage at Mass next week."

So everyone goes home and the priest is looking for the passage and
Sunday comes around... he gets in front of the congregation and
begins his Homily in Mass. "People, I have found the passage in the
Bible referring to PMS."

"Really, Father? Where?" the lady asked.

It's right here in this passage where it says "And Mary rode Joseph's
ass all the way to Bethlehem."

Lab Report....Cat Scan... :rofl:

OBITUARY

Common Sense Died 24/7/365 in America's Heart, USA

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common
Sense who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old
he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red
tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing
when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and
that life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are
in charge).

His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing
a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch;
and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his
condition.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer aspirin to a student; however they could not inform
the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.

Finally, Common sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments
became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received
better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize
that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and
was awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his
wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Subject: Good, Better, BEST!
>
>1) Good
>An Erie, PA policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but
>wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem. A twelve year old
>boy was
>standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP
>AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a
>Sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just
>sell
>lemonade!)
>
>2) Better
>A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
>Automated radar post in Pittsburgh, PA . A $40 speeding ticket was
>included.
>Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police
>Responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
>
>3) Absolute Best
>A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Pennsylvania State
>Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she
>said "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers
>Ball". He
>replied, "Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls".
>There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what
>he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and
>left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

Sometimes life is funnier than art.....

MEMPHIS, Tennessee (AP) -- Defense attorney Leslie Ballin called it
> the "jury pool from hell." The group of prospective jurors was
> summoned to listen to a case of Tennessee trailer park violence.
>
> Right after jury selection began last week, one man got up and left,
> announcing, "I'm on morphine and I'm higher than a kite."
>
> When the prosecutor asked if anyone had been convicted of a crime, a
> prospective juror said that he had been arrested and taken to a
mental
> hospital after he almost shot his nephew. He said he was provoked
> because his nephew just would not come out from under the bed.
>
> Another would-be juror said he had had alcohol problems and was
> arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover officer. "I should
have
> known something was up," he said. "She had all her teeth."
>
> Another prospect volunteered he probably should not be on the jury:
> "In my neighborhood, everyone knows that if you get Mr. Ballin (as
> your lawyer), you're probably guilty." He was not chosen.
>
> The case involved a woman accused of hitting her brother's girlfriend
> in the face with a brick. Ballin's client was found not guilty.
>

Greetings Earthling .....


I am a silicon based life form from a galaxy far, far
away, visiting your P.C.
I have transformed myself into this email.
As you are reading it, I am having sex with your
eyeballs.


Oh god that feels good!


I especially enjoy it when you scroll down on me.


That's it . ... . keep scrolling.


Don't stop!


Click it baby, click it!


Faster


Faster


more ooohh yeahh



harder


give it to me , just like I like it


Faster



That was amazing!



You are the best I've had yet.
And I know you enjoyed it too because you are smiling.
Do you know how I know that you're smiling?
'cos I can see you.

Now please pass me on to someone else because I'm
really horny

The owner of a gasoline station in Tattnall County, Georgia was trying
to
>increase his sales, so he put up a billboard showing "FREE SEX WITH
>FILL-UP!"
>Soon a local young man, Jim filled his tank, and then asked for his
free
>sex.
>The owner told him "pick a number froom 1 to 10; if you pick the right
>number, you will get your free sex." Jim picked the numner 8, and the
gas
>station owner said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex
this
>time."
>A week later Jim, along with his buddy Bill, pulled into the station.
Jim
>filled his gas tank, and again asked for his free sex. The station
owner
>gave him the same story again, and asked him to guess a
>number. This time, Jim guessed 2. The station owner said, "Sorry, the
>correct number was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
>As they were driving away from the gasoline station, Jim said to Bill,
"I
>think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex."
>Bill replied, "No it ain't rigged Jim. My wife won twice last week
>

Be carefull what you say.......
 

This guy want's to buy a harley. So he goes down to the local bike store and has a gander. He goes up to one bike and sees that it's a soft tail classic. He's hovering around it when the owner of the shop come out. You know, full beard, tatts, beer gut.
He says "hey can I help ya mate?"
"Yeah I want to get a bike."
"Well ok then, the one you were just looking at is a harley soft tail classic. Everything is chrome, forks, spokes,hanndle bars etc."
"how much?"
"Well it's $30,000"
"shit I don't have that much."
"Well what do you have then?"
"Well I got $20,000."
"Tell ya what, you look like an honest enough guy, come have a look at this one over here." So he takes him over to another bike that looks the same as the soft tail. "Ok this one is just like the soft tail but is all stainless steel. You know the forks, handle bars etc. It's $20,000."
"Ok I'll take it." So he fixes up the man and just as he leaves the owner says "Oh one more thing, as it is all stainless steel you'll have to put some vasaline on the spokes when it rains, so they don't rust."

So he rides it to his g/f place. They all come out to see the bike. Her mum makes a big dinner and they all sit down after. Dishes everywhere.
The old lady says
"Well that's it, I've had enough. I've been washing these dishes for the last 30 yrs and I'm not doing them anymore."
Well the old man says "well I haven't been doing them for the last 30 yrs and I'm not going to start now."
The g/f says "well if I start doing them now, I'll be doing them for the next 30 yrs, so I'm not going to start now."
The young bloke says "well I don' want to start any new habbits so I'm not doing them."

So the old man decides that the first to speak does the dishes.

The are all sitting around the table and half an hour goes by and the young man starts to feel horny, so he grabs his g/f, bends her over the table and goes for it. No one says a thing coz they don't want to do the dishes. So they finish up and sit down. About an hour goes by and again he feels horny so he grabs the old lady bends her over the table and goes for it, but nobody says anything coz they don't want to do the dishes. Well they finish up and sit down.

He hear's a rubble of lightning and thinks to himself "my bike" and pulls out a tub of vasaline from his pocket. The old man stands up and says "ok ok I'll do the dishes!!!!!!"

A different meaning on "football." (Aussie rules)
 

This guy walks into a bar. At one end is two drunks laughing at their own jokes, at the other is a poof (gay guy).
He notices that there is no stage, TAB, pokie machines or a juke box. Just tables and chairs. So he walks up to the bar and order's a beer and sit's down at a table. The poof get's up and sit's next to him.
"Hi how are you?"
"Yeah not bad." "
Ohh goody. Do you want to play football?"
The guy jumps up out of his chair and says "aussie rules fuck yeah!"
The poof says "no it's our own kind of football. you see we get two empty beer cans and put them on the table, you pull your pants down and fart. If you knock one over it's a behind, if you knock them both over it's a goal." Well he says "no thanks not into that."
Poof says "oh come on, you're here in a bar what's the worst that could happen."
So the poof get's two cans and put's them on the table and says
"well give it a go then."
So the guy drops his
daks and let's out a ripper.... Only one can falls over.
The poof get's excited
"oh a behind goody." He put's the
can back next to the other one.
"Have another go and see if you can get a goal"
So the guy drops his daks again and the poof comes up behind also with his daks down and get's behind him.
"what the fuck are you doing?!!!!"
"ohhh I'm smothering the kick."

A couple is in the delivery room.

Identical twins...the doctor exclaims!

What will you name the boys?

We'll call them Juan and Amal, say the proud parents.

The father takes out his camera and snaps some pictures to show his friends.

At the bar, the proud father tells everyone the good news.

He passes around a few pictures and someone asks, "Which baby is this"?

That's Juan, dad says.

May I see a picture of the other baby?

Dad says, "If you've seen Juan...you've seen Amal"!

Explaining Life
 

OMG ... ROTFLMAO Lixy. That's great.

Here's a cute one (I think) ...

Subject: On the first day God created the dog.

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said:

"That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.
__________________________________________________ ____

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said:

"Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.
__________________________________________________ ____

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said:

"That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.
__________________________________________________ ____

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said:

"Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
__________________________________________________ ____

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

DEAR DAD...

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice-even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, John

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

: Outhouse] > > > > > > > > >Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.... > >"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!" > > > >Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse." > > > >Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it." > > > >So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, > >"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! " > > > >Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" > > > >Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!" > > > >Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix." > > > >So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells > >back, "Ma, There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" > > > >Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" > > > >Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma, > > >Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" > > > >To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!?"

BIG NFL News
 

The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the league. They decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, therefore saving jobs.

They will be known as the TAM-PACKS. Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string.

Jim wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
Christmas Party. Jim is not normally a drinker, but the drinks
didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he

got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jim had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he
sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side
table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jim sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned
and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in
perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He
takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye

staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a

note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red
with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in
lipstick!:


"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get
groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling!
Love,
Jillian

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot
breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son
is also at the table, eating. Jim asks, "Son... what happened
last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You
fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the
hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect
order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waitior
me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and
when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me
alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table $79.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins .38



Saying the right thing, at the right time . Priceless!!!

"It's a mitzvah!"
 

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a
religious wedding meets with their rabbi for counseling.
The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before
they leave.

The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men
to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But,
we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi.
"It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own
wife?"

"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we
finally have sex?"

"Of course!," replies the rabbi.

"Sex is a mitzvah within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man?

"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"

"From behind with my wife on her knees?"

"Sure! Another mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot
oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a
bucket of honey and a sex video ?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No." says the rabbi.

"Why not?" asks the man.

"Could lead to dancing."

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V 32 instead of a V 8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than 50." "Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

Sunday Morning Sex
>
>On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan
went
>straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old
>grandmother and comfort her.
>
>When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
>replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday
>morning."
>
>Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that 2 people
>nearly 100 years old
>having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
>
>"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
>advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the
>church bells would
>start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and
>slow and even.
>
>Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the
>Dong." She paused,
>wiped away a tear and then continued, "he'd be alive
>today if that damned
>ice cream truck hadn't come along!"

OMG! That's terrific sodaklostsoul!

Thanks DB...I get a lot of good ones in my email.

Baby Boomers (like me)
 

Got this in an e-mail and loved it (although it says something about my age :))

It was fun being a baby boomer . . . till now. Some of the artists of the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:

Herman's Hermits -- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

The Bee Gees -- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

Bobby Darin -- Splish, Splash,I Was Havin' a Flash

Ringo Starr -- I Get By With a Little Help from Depends

Roberta Flack -- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash -- I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon -- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

Commodores -- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

Marvin Gaye -- I Heard it Through the GrapeNuts

Procol Harum -- A Whiter Shade of Hair

Leo Sayer -- You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations -- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone

Abba -- Denture Queen

Tony Orlando -- Knock 3 Times on the Ceiling if you Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy -- I am Woman, Hear me Snore

Willie Nelson -- On the Throne Again

Important measurements ...
 

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement=1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile perhour=Knotfurlong
7. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year
8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
11. Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower
12. Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line
13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
15. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycles
16. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
18. 10 cards = 1 decacard
19. 52 cards = 1 deckacard
20. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 fig Newton
21. 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen
22. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
23. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
24. 10 rations = 1 decaration
25. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
26. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
27. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
28. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League

Hillbilly Honeymoon
 

The young Hillbilly groom screeches his truck to a halt in front of his pappy's house the morning after his honeymoon. He slams the door and walks up to the front porch where his pappy is whittling in his rocker.

Pappy says, "Well, how'd it go last night boy?"

"I'm gonna have to leave her pa," he says, "she's a virgin"

"Well I don't blame ya boy," pa says, "if she ain't good enough for her own family then she sure tain't gud 'nough for ours!"