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Likewise. :( |
THE HORTH WHITHPERER
If you don't laugh out loud at this, you're just not trying!! A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?' 'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.' So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a Male or female horse. 'A female horth.' So he shows him a prized filly. 'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'? So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. 'Nith eyeth, Can I thee her earzth'? So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. 'Nith earzth, Can I see her mouf'? The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, But he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. 'Nice mouf, Can I see her twat'? Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and sticks the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and plops him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. 'Perhapth I should wephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'? |
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long No
matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his Head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.... And you're single. Just let it go." But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality. Whispering...... Dave....... Dave........ Dave........ .........you're a vet Dave |
Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every summer in Miami for a vacation.
Last year, when one flea gets to Miami, he's shivering and shaking. The other flea asks him,' Why are you shaking so badly?' The first flea says, 'I rode down here from Michigan in the moustache of a guy on a Harley.' The other flea responds saying, 'That's the worst way to travel. Try what I do.' 'Go to the Grand Rapids airport bar and have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess, crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cozy.' 'It's the best way to travel that I can think of.' The flea thanks the other flea and says he will give it a try next summer. A year goes by. When the flea shows up in Miami he is shivering and shaking again. The other flea asks,' Didn't you try what I told you?' 'Yes', says the first flea, 'I did exactly as you said. I went to the Grand Rapids airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep. But when I woke up, I was back in the moustache of a guy on a Harley!' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
Well done soda.
After getting involved in an auto accident, I was being question about the fight that followed. " Officer, this is how the fight started... I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault. So, we both pull over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver of the car that I hit gets out of his car. . . and you know how you just get SO stressed...and life...sometimes life seems...suddenly funny? Well, the driver of the car I hit is a DWARF! He gets out of his car and I get out of my car. He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me. Right up close to me he looks up in my face and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!' And I don't know what possessed me, Officer, but I looked down at him and I said, 'Well, if you're not Happy -- which one are you?' .... and that's when the fight started " |
Lamo^^^^^^^^^^^^!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I Am Not Happy!!!!!!!!
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Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer
1.Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down. 2.Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?" 3.Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" 4.After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger. 5.Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips. 6.If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. 7.If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?" 8.Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from. 9.If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. 10.When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." |
Shouldn't this be in "advice" forum, cos it has some good ideas?
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A terrorist runs into a pet shop .... he puts a bomb on the counter and shouts
"everyone has one minute to get out ........." A tortoise at the back shouts .... " you c*nt ....!! " |
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Today's attitude.
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A rabbi and a priest were enjoying the local 4th of July picnic.
"My friend, the baked ham is delicious!" teased the priest. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but why should such wonderful food be forbidden? You haven't lived until you've tried Virginia baked ham. So, Rabbi? When will you break down and try some?" The rabbi grinned back at the priest, and said, "At your wedding!" |
Good one.
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Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Texas...
If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Texas; If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Texas; If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Texas; If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in Texas; If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas; If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Texas; If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Texas; If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife or sister know how to use them, you may live in Texas; If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody's passing you, you may live in Texas; If you find 60 degrees "a little chilly," you may live in Texas; If you actually understand these jokes, and share them with your Texas friends, you definitely live in Texas. Need to be cheered up? Happy, Texas 79042 Pep, Texas 79353 Smiley, Texas 78159 Paradise, Texas 76073 Rainbow, Texas 76077 Sweet Home, Texas 77987 Comfort, Texas 78013 Friendship, Texas 76530 Love the Sun? Sun City, Texas 78628 Sunrise, Texas 76661 Sunset, Texas 76270 Sundown, Texas 79372 Sunray, Texas 79086 Sunny Side, Texas 77423 Want something to eat? Bacon, Texas 76301 Noodle, Texas 79536 Oatmeal, Texas 78605 Turkey, Texas 79261 Trout, Texas 75789 Sugar Land, Texas 77479 Salty, Texas 76567 Rice, Texas 75155 Sweetwater, Texas 79556 Why travel to other cities? Texas has them all! Detroit, Texas 75436Colorado City, Texas 79512 Cleveland, Texas 77327 Dayton, Texas 77535 Denver City, Texas 79323 Klondike, Texas 75448 Nevada, Texas 75173 Memphis, Texas 79245 Miami, Texas 79059 Boston, Texas 75570 Santa Fe, Texas 77517 Tennessee Colony, Texas 75861 Reno, Texas 75462 Feel like traveling outside the country? Don't bother buying a plane ticket! Athens , Texas 75751 Canadian, Texas 79014 China, Texas 77613Egypt, Texas 77436 Ireland, Texas 76538 Turkey, Texas 79261 London, Texas 76854 New London, Texas 75682 Paris, Texas 75460 No need to travel to Washington D.C. Whitehouse , Texas 75791 We even have a city named after our planet! Earth, Texas 79031 And a city named after our State! Texas City, Texas 77590 Exhausted? Energy, Texas 76452 Cold? Blanket, Texas 76432 Winters, Texas Like to read about History? Santa Anna, Texas Goliad, Texas Alamo, Texas Gun Barrel City, Texas Robert Lee, Texas Need Office Supplies? Staples, Texas 78670 Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, Texas 76084 You guessed it….it's on the state line. Texline, Texas 79087 For the kids... Kermit, Texas 79745 Elmo, Texas 75118 Nemo, Texas 76070 Tarzan, Texas 79783 Winnie, Texas 77665 Sylvester, Texas 79560 Other city names in Texas , to make you smile..... Frognot, Texas 75424 Bigfoot, Texas 78005 Hogeye, Texas 75423 Cactus, Texas 79013 Notrees, Texas 79759 Best, Texas 76932 Veribest, Texas 76886 Kickapoo, Texas 75763 Dime Box, Texas 77853 Old Dime Box, Texas 77853 Telephone, Texas 75488 Telegraph, Texas 76883 Whiteface, Texas 79379 Twitty, Texas 79079 And last but not least, the Anti-Al Gore City. . . Kilgore, Texas 75662 And our favorites... Cut 'n Shoot, Texas Gun Barrell City, Texas Hoop And Holler, Texas Ding Dong, Texas and, of course, Muleshoe, Texas Here are some little known, very interesting facts about Texas. 1. Beaumont to El Paso: 742 miles 2. Beaumont to Chicago: 770 miles 3. El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas 4. World's first rodeo was in Pecos, July 4, 1883. 5. The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built over water. 6. The Heisman Trophy was named after John William Heisman who was the first full-time coach at Rice University in Houston. 7. Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North America. 8. Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America's only remaining flock of whooping cranes. 9. Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978. 10 The worst natural disaster in U.S. history was in 1900, caused by a hurricane, in which over 8,000 lives were lost on Galveston Island. 11. The first word spoken from the moon, July 20, 1969, was "Houston." 12. The King Ranch in South Texas is larger than Rhode Island. 13. Tropical Storm Claudette brought a U.S. rainfall record of 43" in 24 hours in and around Alvin, Texas in July of 1979. 14. Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY, (known as the Constitution of 1845 by the Republic of Texas to enter the Union) instead of by annexation. This allows the Texas Flag to fly at the same height as the U.S. Flag, and may divide into 5 states. 15. A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1500 years old. 16. Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state. 17. Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period in Dr Pepper. 18. Texas has had six capital cities: Washington-on-the Brazos, Harrisburg, Galveston, Velasco, West Columbia and Austin. 19. The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S. which is taller than the Capitol Building in Washington DC (by 7 feet). 20. The name "Texas" comes from the Hasini Indian word "tejas" meaning friends. Tejas is not Spanish for Texas. 21. The State Mascot is the Armadillo (an interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo is they always have four babies. They have one egg, which splits into four, and they either have four males or four females). 22. The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston. Cowboy's Ten Commandments posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie, Texas:(1) Just one God. (2) Honor yer Ma & Pa. (3) No telling tales or gossipin'. (4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting. (5) Put nothin' before God. (6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal. (7) No killin'. (8) Watch yer mouth. (9) Don't take what ain't yers. (10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff. |
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Something to offend almost everyone.
============================= I keep having my profile on that dating website 'Match.com' rejected. One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?'. Apparently 'my dick' is not an acceptable answer. ------------------------------------------------------------------ A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30 seconds to get out!' The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you prick !' ------------------------------------------------------------------- why are women like clouds? eventually they go away and its a really nice day ------------------------------------------------------------------ Whats the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on. ------------------------------------------------------------------- A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat Chunky?' The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him. 'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.' -------------------------------------------------------------------- My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood. We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big big red mark on her forehead. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- I was at an ATM money machine when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Zebo, a half blind five year old south african orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's hilarious.... ---------------------------------------------------------------------- I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks. Bad minton. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'. The reply from his friend...... 'You're so lucky... Mine's still alive...' ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says; "no way, you won't bring it back.' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes. 'Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!' 'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My Wifes an epileptic' |
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